Monday, November 07, 2005

Sunset Monologue 103

Needle Pricks

Blog Musical Mood: I Think I Love You - Dwele

I don caught feelings - Yep I sure have and for whom you ask? For Y-O-U. I don caught feelings for you my blog 'fam'. In the beginning it was the perfect balance of voyeur and exhibitionist - but slowly and surely as I sat back and read, digest and ingested pages and pages of a persons life, I started to 'feel' about you. I now comment on pages and get involved and have taken off my raincoat and hat (it was hot anyway being a peeping tom with all that shit on) and come on in and sat down in your living room. Each day I eagerly look forward to those that had the strength to write and worry about those who haven't in awhile. If I were a cold person - - but I'm not so I 'Feel' and I've fallen for ya'll. I used to not comment to my comments, but I see you all get kinda tingly about me too, so now I communicate back at cha, lol.

I have such a tolerance for stupidity and it makes me mad. I will just keep running into brick walls over and over again, blood running freely from the gaping hole in my forehead. In hindsight - doesn't that make me stupid? I will keep going back to places and people and things - with a new equation, a new thought, a new hope and IT NEVER WORKS!! I have to really give up on one of the things I keep going back to. I know the world is round but it's not the size of a dime, lol Branch out some damn pam!!

If you are raised to have no identity, how do you claim one for yourself? I find this to be the main fight in my life and that of most of my siblings. We grew up devoid of individualism - it was group this and group that, except in reality you are very freaking alone out here in the world and in order to survive you have to be able to present you. I don't need a therapist to tell me the root of my issues because I know - it's 'being devoid of identity'. I've watched my siblings struggle with this and whether they know it or not - this is what binds us. The identity crisis' range from the basic to the extreme - each of us has basically moseied around this world trying to 'find ourselves' pick out the bits and pieces that actually belong to us, not necessarily throwing away what was given but making what is ours important. It has led us in many different paths with the constant being we are siblings so that can go on the back burner. There is an urgency to find this person in all of us because you waste alot of time out here if you don't know who you are. We were told constantly who we were, but out here in the world - exactly how does that fit in? how does that work? It's so fustrating!

One of my siblings has gone the way of Whitney to medicate her pain and create her 'identity'. My heart is sadden by this, my soul is shook by this and I know this identity is not the right one, but a journey she is going to have to take.

In the quest to find self, you become consumed with self and it can be intrepreted as self centered, but you are not blind to the rest of the world and you know what's going on. I pray my sister comes to the realization that the 'soberity' of not knowing is so much better than the 'high' of thinking you know.

The Cafeteria was hoppin today! Do ya'll have a cafeteria style restaurant in your area such as a piccadilly? Man good food, well today we went and right away I was overcome with the scent of the male species, lol lol So many fine men (but then again it's been awhile, my sight might have been impaired due to drought, lol). I spent more time blushing and Mind Screwing eye flirting than eating (which is probably a good thing. Sometimes you just want confirmation you don't look like Yoda - so it was all good.

"But Grandpa you said nigga 62 times yesterday I counted" "Hush Nigga" LOL LOL LOL Well there you have it The Boondocks have made their television debut. OF course some folks are bitching and complaining but I'll be honest, in the household I grew up in we talked about Keeblers like that on the daily and still do. Stop frontin - ok alot of us don't talk that candidly or use the word nigga (and I just spell it that way aint no difference to me), but alot of us do, I don't call any of my family or friends nigga, but I will use the word in broad discussion. I don't and won't use it alot on here mainly because it's more effective as it rolls off the tongue, lol lol. I prefer Negroes myself - it bites harder, lol lol. I ain't plussed about it.


Well folks, let me go finish up the 'debate' about my random thought about the wonders of the male sexual organ. Amazing, how someone can call to question a thought from my damn head. If I were in to coochies it would be full of wonderment to me BUT I AIN'T - so it's a compliment and ode to the mystic that is the....penis. DAYUM!! NEGORES!! LOL LOL LOL
Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:20 PM :: 9 comments

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