Monday, October 31, 2005

Sunset Monologue 97

For A Good Time Call Pam

Blog Musical Mood: Thriller - Michael Jackson




Happy Halloween Everybody!! LOL LOL So I have turned off my light and will pretend I'm not home. I don't do halloween, yet I hope MTV shows Mike's Halloween movie short - that was cool. I scared the bejeez out of myself this weekend watching Bravo's "100 scariest horror movie scenes" Man oh Man - we are twisted, lol. If you are like me, you spend the first couple of days when we adjust the time - dealing in two zones - what time it actually is and what time it was, lol I am immediately enjoying not leaving in the dead of night however.

Let me tell ya'll - I'm in a really good place right now in my head. That epiphany I had yesterday was overpowering. I find it so intriguing why I am who I am. What makes me...ME and how do I reconcile and just be ME. People act like this is the easiest thing in the world. If I had been born and raised MYSELF alone by myself - then maybe this would be because everything in me was put in me by me. But we don't get anything from ourselves - we are the collective property of everyone who's ever had any influence whether first person or third person with us. So to me, you should spend sometime - defining what of that is YOU. Because until you get to that point - you are NOT being you.

Part of that discovery was that I had actually 'lied' about something - I want to expound on that for yah in the way I do it,lol. Because I sincerely believe that life is like High School (is there a book called that), I'm telling my story that way (as well as this story happened in HighSchool - which is a discussion group I belong to).

Soooo - awhile back, I went into the bathroom and wrote on the wall that I had slept with the Captain of the Football team at a rival school. For reasons I've discussed, I felt under a tremendous amount of pressure to 'BE' (be what is still under debate in my head). everyone crowded around and said "whew pam did the captain of the football team - good for her' even sat at the cool table for that day, except as I walked around, I had to keep saying to myself 'you know I dont' even KNOW the captain of the football team' Not to mention the captain of the basketball team whre I was was going to invite me to the prom - yet he heard I did the captain of the football team over there so now I've been 'labeled' and he doesn't.

Writing that on the wall did NOTHING for me - because it wasn't me and Cause I keep thinking if I get lettered, that will DO SOMETHING not to mention I still haven't even MET the captain of the football team,lol

So for me - I had a growth and an awakening that being ME and getting noticed for me takes far less energy then remembering what I wrote on the bathroom wall.

So I took a bucket and I came clean and erased it in front of everyone. Did I HAVE to go back and clean it off - NOPE cause folks have moved on but that doesn't absolve me from the fact I wrote it. So I am erasing it. And even if someone months later (like I myself months later) came into that stall and it was gone - then that works for me.

So the debate ranges from "You are lying now to cover up that your crown is crooked" to "I'm not applauding or respecting you anymore for you doing something you should be doing all along...telling the truth'.

If we do all this reading and writing and relating and we don't be a bit selfish and use it for our own journey - then we are wasting our time!

So I had an epiphany and I consider this one - like three giant steps. I feel like I took off one more coat and I am feeling good - I could spend time dwelling on HOW and the SITUATIONS that put me in such a position as to have to really deal with 'fitting in' and straddling that fence all the time. I call it my "Marvin Gaye" Syndrome Spirituality vs Sexuality to the hilt - but really sometimes you should more wisely spend your time just redefining because as we know in this bastard language - there are always more than one definition to everything, lol.

Shouldn't I....CARE

CARE: Close attention; painstaking application;Upkeep; maintenance; Watchful oversight; charge or supervision; Attentive assistance or treatment to those in need; To be concerned or interested; To provide needed assistance or watchful supervision: To object or mind.

Part of the 'emotions' that we teach our kids is the capacity to care only for them to get grown and be told "You shouldn't care - why do you care - you shouldn't care what other people think" Well guess what I DO CARE. I care about how I'm perceived because it's the mark I'm leaving on the world. I care about most things that I do. How do you get the capacity and is it steeped in reality that 'you don't care'. Why is that assoicated negatively with being 'sensitive'. Shouldn't we be? To me to say "I don't care" is a smoke screen to hide the fact that you do - so I won't be saying that anymore because I DO care.

But that don't mean I Give A Damn! (Insert Halloween like Screech here!)
Posted by Pamalicious :: 6:15 PM :: 5 comments

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