ThE EmAnCiPaTiOn oF pAmMiE

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Sunshine Monologue 53


Delete, Delete, Delete - what a crisp cool morning. The perfect morning for oatmeal and coffee, lol I started out this morning on here - cleaning up the Messenger. I have 'issues' with people I've saved who never have the whereforall to contact me to say hello - it is usually men - so I had to get rid of all the dead weight. I have deleted so many people in just the five years I've had my current screen name - I wonder whose list I'm still on, lol lol. I am seriously considering changing my name the day of my Birthday. Now that would be a trip! I might even have a contest to decide what, lol

So I am more and more feeling loose and free and in a non-constrictive mode, so I don't need defined topics etc. (I will bold something in order to indicate SWITCH) and I will be cursing a bit more. I curse in my real life - not vulgur but a well placed damn or hell (my two favorite words) just work. My daddy always told me that people who curse alot are devoid of understanding of the English language. So I always make sure I do know WHAT to say and just choose to curse instead, lol lol. The first signs of the breakdown of a civilization is the breakdown of the language, which is why I DON'T talk Ebonics, lol lol When I was little a 'summer assignment' was to write the entire Webster Dictionary. I still will look up words and not take any on face value - I want to know what it means. It's amazing how when you assign defination to something, the whole flow changes. That's why things I want to remain in (i.e. Me and Mobetta) I don't define - because I know the realization of that defination would just ruin it, lol lol.

You know I like Mini-Me she's so different than me. I know supposedly at some point I'm not going to like her (since love is constant). She's suppose to make me really not like her as a person, but I won't subscribe to that and put it in the atmosphere. I want to go with it and see where it takes us. Automatically assuming I am going to have a problem - almost assures I am. My mom didn't have this big huge problem out of me and I am approaching it that way with her. I'm not quite sure who Mini-me is at this point. She's a fragile soul (that is like me) but she had wayyyy more spunk than me and she's a fighter as well - she will kick your ass, lol boys, girls doesn't matter, lol lol. She's a bit of a loner and has alot of single child syndrome in her pocket, but the thing I like most about her - is that she's 'affected' and that she's 'compassionate' - I truly think she's going to work with the mentally, emotionally and physically handicapped in her adult life, if not sooner. She has a way of making you feel comfortable and loved - that I have no idea where she got it from, because truthfully both me and her father lack seriously in those departments, lol. She loves and wants family (both of us could very well do without), she doesn't hide the effects of peer pressure etc. (both of us are probably messed up today because of it - well you know her Father is dead, so go with me on this one), she struggles with walking her own line but close enough to be a part of (I didn't), and she struggles with the assignment of beauty to her (I'll pass on this one, lol).

I say all that to say (and every parent for the most part has felt this) it is a most painful thing, when you can't give your child everything their heart desires. I didn't say it was something you have to do, because any idiot knows that's the wrong thing to do - YET you would like in your mind to think that you can, it's a parent thing.

Here's how you take pain, dress it up and make better - but it's still a pig in a dress. I proclaimed a long time ago that things like clothes etc. aren't really my thing. I just so happen (and this is the truth) to enjoy shopping second hand, it really does relax me - so in my 'attempt' to hide (whether it be weight issues, money issues etc. etc.) I have let that 'idea' replace the truth of the matter that I do like going shopping. I stay away so that I won't be disappointed. I've never been able to struture my money to be able to 'shop' like I see other women shopping. I just have always been 'practical' I didn't grow up with no Fashionistas, so it was never a priority. MISTAKE!!! because now I'm almost 40 and I've been thinking - I wanna shop! LOL, but I have no to begin to change my personal culture to adopt this practice.

I go to the mall and I literally become overwelmed and stressed. There's so much going on, I feel inadequate and ill equipped. I want soooo much, I am the child and Mini-me turns into the parent - except she doesn't know it. I feel like a damn fool!
I'm in a space where I want to be selfish and explore my own growing needs about this YET I have to steer her in the right direction. Because I still dont' want her becoming a 'slave to popularity and fashion' She has got to be comfortable doing her.

This has all come to a head because after years this is the first one where she doesn't have to wear a uniform! Thus I am faced with my own demons. My mind goes back to my childhood and the two outfits from Zayres a school year we got and how I was made to think alot of things were a bad thing to cover up for just what my parents couldn't or wouldn't do and WALAH I have turned parents. I looked at all those cool cool girlie clothes and I wanted to get that stuff for my baby - but I just didn't have the money. She picked out some cute jeans and a cute bolero shirt and on the way back to the car, she thanked me and then bit by bit - had a nervous breakdown.

Apparently her friend said she wore this one pair of jeans all the time - now Mini-Me has clothes - she's choosing to wear these jeans all the time and because they are distinct - you can tell when she wears them more than once. Well her tears fall and I feel under ALOT OF PRESSURE. (1) I'm mad because I couldn't get me shit! (2) Because I'm counting my money and it's disappearing fast and I just got paid FRIDAY. It's swirling all around me. So we get in the car and we go over to the thrift. We go in and I go straight to the girls and we quickly pick out four pairs of pants - all brand name and all cute. Can I even afford this right now? NOPE. She puts her hand on my elbow and says "Mom let's go" We go to the register and I pay and we are silent on the way home. When we get there - she takes her stuff in her room and lays it all out. She has a pair of Tommy Hilfiger Cords, some Guess boot cut jeans and some old navy ones with embellishments. She quickly puts together outfits and she comes out and models for me. We don't have to have any conversation - She looks at me and knows and I look at her and know and I am light years away from where me and my mother have ever been.

I really feel a blog coming on about at what point does your childhood come back to haunt you......

Posted by Pamalicious :: 11:00 AM :: 0 comments

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