Saturday, October 15, 2005

Sunshine Monologue 51

Back Up Off Me

Blog Musical Mood: "Scream" Michael & Janet Jackson

Whoooooo this has been one week. I have to accept something that is new in my life and try to work with it but for now and for the past few months it's been running thangs. When all I want to do is commit murder...what can it be? When the more I'm alone the better I feel..what can it be? When HUMANITY works my last nerve...what can it be? When you better sit your five dollar ass down before I make change...what can it be? When talking to Janet is like talking to Brenda K. Starr...what can it be?

Three Letters People.......

P...........................M.........................S!

Arghhhhhhh! I have been one who has said it is a cop out and abused by women excuse some of our funky ass behaviour, yet lo and behold for the past few months I've been tracking my moods etc. (especialy since I got off the pill) and I have been bitten with this shit! I am known to have an evil streak as it is, lol I don't need fuel.

I mean really - the whole world can currently KISS MY CARAMEL ASS!! I felt it coming on like Monday, I overslept and it put me in a rush mood. Now add Mini-Me's pocketbook getting stolen, a change in the save the date, my thought process about that, my perputual brokeness, stupid niggas and stupid thoughts, the realization that you working for the amusement of others....Honey, Jack Daniels and I had a close conversation last night!!

I was sooo tight last nite, I set the showered on 'whoop ass' and it still didn't loosen me up, lol lol I don't know how to deal with this because I be damn if it's going to run me, yet I have to give into it in order to keep going. Acknowleging the breakdown emotionally into just an angry little ball - helps it. Because then I can counteract it with positivity. Yet it is hard. On some level, I feel like it's my way of spurring myself on so to speak. Most of the 'feelings' I am having are actually directed at me and my life stance and where I am in my life. I am a complacent person - I am perfectly fine at mediocre - I am NOT an overachiever, lol.

I am a wanderer and a drifter and basically if it were 1972, I would be in my hippie gear with a guitar I couldn't play, a VW van and I would be living in an apt. part time with 14 other people. That's who I am. Never understood that seeing as I was raised up by Two Type A on speed personalities. Then I found out about and met my biological father and it came full circle. Didn't even know I 'had' a biological until I was well into my 30's (not enough bandwidth on blogger for that story, lol) but all of a sudden - something clicked and though I need to constantly work on self - I have made peace with the description of self and that is what started me to thinking about a 'journey' towards 40 in the first place.

My epiphanies while I've been in this funk has been profound:

"Dating is on my shit list, lol So I'll just let it go, lol. I just don't know where a sista like me fits in anymore in the big picture - so the best thing for me to do when I am feeling this way, which means you won't be getting the best I have to offer anyway - is to sit this one out and wait for that Brother to come out the crowd and say "hey I saw you sitting over here by yourself, mind if I sit as well" (methaphorically speaking of course, but you know what I'm talking about). I know I'm a gemini but damn - even I can't be that many people, lol ME always rises to the top and I'm just not in style right now - but I will be again one day!"

"I would hope and wish that one day I could declare that I am in luvvvvv - but the reality is that I have been single for a lonnnnnng time and living alone for a lonnnnnng time. I have been single for 10+ years and living alone (w/o an adult counterpart) for the same length (subtract the 9 months I lived with young and fun) and thought I got my fantasy all intact the older I get the more reality creeps in and I see myself waking up six months and 1 day and going 'sooo I really am going to see you......everyday" LOL LOL I mean we got kids, families, friends, issues, pasts, habits, alone time needs etc. etc. and the list just goes on and on. At least I have 10 years of former matrimony under my belt.


Is it even going to work at this point? do you even really want the hassle? Have I boxed myself into a corner and even if I got a partner would I really know how to sustain a relationship?"

This should take the rest of the winter to figure out, lol lol. I think that sometimes we need to ask ourselves the hard questions in order to get to a place where the answers are more realistic. Right now I'm thinking "Duplex" and we visit each other often, ROTFL ROTFL.

Sooo today is a NEW DAY and I need to adopt a NEW IDEA about how I'm going to deal with my hormonal issues - (the quickest being get back on the pill, lol) Today is a mega-yard sale and so I'm about to get up and get ready to go to that. I am sure to get me something that will make my day!

So ya'll have a blessed one!
Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:34 AM :: 0 comments

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