Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Sunset Monologue 84

Doing Me

Blogging Musical Mood: "He Is" - Brandy


I wasn't even going to write but as I sat at the ghetto strip mall after getting Okra for my Chicken Stew; I saw a rainbow. It was brillant in the sky and just affirmed to me that something is brewing in my ole life. I can feel it in my bones - so I felt like I needed to write.

I've been 'doing me' which for some people is a difficult thing. I have been spending time with me, dealing with me and enjoying me. I just decided to step off the world for a little while and let me tell you things are looking so clear right about now.

I carry stress in my shoulders. They get so tight it hurts, I've been chipping away at that stress in my shoulders. A colonic will you for the shoulders, lol I'm removing stuff from years ago. It feels good. I'm sleeping better, my face and eyes are clear and I just feel good.

Had me another epiphany today about repeated behavior with the same mindset:

It's like you were a former drug addict and you are now clean but you insist on keeping going to the crack house because that's where your peeps are!! and then get mad when someone says 'hey you want a hit' you sitting up in the crack house what do you EXPECT someone to think and say.

Now if you sitting in Church and someone offers you a hit - then that's wrong because you are not trying to say you different but have not changed any of your surroundings etc.

Sometimes the only way to clearly distance yourself from the past is to LEAVE that CRACK HOUSE ALONE!

I am going to start following my own advice, lol because sometimes I hover on the crackhouse steps just cause I wanna get a wiff. Honey it ain't no good for you - so leave it alone and everyone who subscribes to the behavior!

I was talking with 'Mobetta' and he said sometimes you just gotta lose control. Now outside of that being the most oxymoron statement I've probably ever heard him speak - it threw me for a shock - this man knows how to switch the game up seamlessly, lol I USED to be a person who gave up control, I would spin around like a kid in a dandelion field - but I've had to change and adapt, to be able to survive out here in this world. I can't lose control of my being, my loins or my heart. It's a sad testament if you ask me; always sad when you can't be you because you will be eaten alive. I keep those parts of me close to the cuff but I await the day when I can lose control. That would be the ULTIMATE FREEDOM.

I haven't been engaging in the kind of social interaction that produces stories - so I apologize for that. I just been chillin, lol the phone has been silent, my mind has been silent and I've stripped naked in some respects. I am not wearing any makeup because I want to be able to be 'mask free', I've been wearing my glasses because I want a shield to my soul - so you have to work to get to that portion of me.

Now you would think as 'homely' as I've been puttering around Atlanta looking - I'd be invisible - but quite the contrary. A wink here, a wave there, an acknowledgement; maybe I'm finally going to be SEEN.

I saw a rainbow today and it affirmed alot for me.
Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:15 PM :: 2 comments

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