Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunset Monologue 97
For A Good Time Call Pam
Blog Musical Mood: Thriller - Michael Jackson
Happy Halloween Everybody!! LOL LOL So I have turned off my light and will pretend I'm not home. I don't do halloween, yet I hope MTV shows Mike's Halloween movie short - that was cool. I scared the bejeez out of myself this weekend watching Bravo's "100 scariest horror movie scenes" Man oh Man - we are twisted, lol. If you are like me, you spend the first couple of days when we adjust the time - dealing in two zones - what time it actually is and what time it was, lol I am immediately enjoying not leaving in the dead of night however.
Let me tell ya'll - I'm in a really good place right now in my head. That epiphany I had yesterday was overpowering. I find it so intriguing why I am who I am. What makes me...ME and how do I reconcile and just be ME. People act like this is the easiest thing in the world. If I had been born and raised MYSELF alone by myself - then maybe this would be because everything in me was put in me by me. But we don't get anything from ourselves - we are the collective property of everyone who's ever had any influence whether first person or third person with us. So to me, you should spend sometime - defining what of that is YOU. Because until you get to that point - you are NOT being you.
Part of that discovery was that I had actually 'lied' about something - I want to expound on that for yah in the way I do it,lol. Because I sincerely believe that life is like High School (is there a book called that), I'm telling my story that way (as well as this story happened in HighSchool - which is a discussion group I belong to).
Soooo - awhile back, I went into the bathroom and wrote on the wall that I had slept with the Captain of the Football team at a rival school. For reasons I've discussed, I felt under a tremendous amount of pressure to 'BE' (be what is still under debate in my head). everyone crowded around and said "whew pam did the captain of the football team - good for her' even sat at the cool table for that day, except as I walked around, I had to keep saying to myself 'you know I dont' even KNOW the captain of the football team' Not to mention the captain of the basketball team whre I was was going to invite me to the prom - yet he heard I did the captain of the football team over there so now I've been 'labeled' and he doesn't.
Writing that on the wall did NOTHING for me - because it wasn't me and Cause I keep thinking if I get lettered, that will DO SOMETHING not to mention I still haven't even MET the captain of the football team,lol
So for me - I had a growth and an awakening that being ME and getting noticed for me takes far less energy then remembering what I wrote on the bathroom wall.
So I took a bucket and I came clean and erased it in front of everyone. Did I HAVE to go back and clean it off - NOPE cause folks have moved on but that doesn't absolve me from the fact I wrote it. So I am erasing it. And even if someone months later (like I myself months later) came into that stall and it was gone - then that works for me.
So the debate ranges from "You are lying now to cover up that your crown is crooked" to "I'm not applauding or respecting you anymore for you doing something you should be doing all along...telling the truth'.
If we do all this reading and writing and relating and we don't be a bit selfish and use it for our own journey - then we are wasting our time!
So I had an epiphany and I consider this one - like three giant steps. I feel like I took off one more coat and I am feeling good - I could spend time dwelling on HOW and the SITUATIONS that put me in such a position as to have to really deal with 'fitting in' and straddling that fence all the time. I call it my "Marvin Gaye" Syndrome Spirituality vs Sexuality to the hilt - but really sometimes you should more wisely spend your time just redefining because as we know in this bastard language - there are always more than one definition to everything, lol.Shouldn't I....CARECARE: Close attention; painstaking application;Upkeep; maintenance; Watchful oversight; charge or supervision; Attentive assistance or treatment to those in need; To be concerned or interested; To provide needed assistance or watchful supervision: To object or mind.
Part of the 'emotions' that we teach our kids is the capacity to care only for them to get grown and be told "You shouldn't care - why do you care - you shouldn't care what other people think" Well guess what I DO CARE. I care about how I'm perceived because it's the mark I'm leaving on the world. I care about most things that I do. How do you get the capacity and is it steeped in reality that 'you don't care'. Why is that assoicated negatively with being 'sensitive'. Shouldn't we be? To me to say "I don't care" is a smoke screen to hide the fact that you do - so I won't be saying that anymore because I DO care.
But that don't mean I Give A Damn! (Insert Halloween like Screech here!)
Posted by Pamalicious ::
6:15 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Sunset Monologue 96
Blog Musical Mood: "Dance Little Sista" - Terrance Trent D'arby
I dug into my crates and found my "Hardline" CD. That Album is such a classic to me. I usually run this in tandem with Michelle N'degochello (I didn't misspell it as bad as I thought, lol) first CD. They go together like hot rolls and butter, lol.
Deep Deep Sigh - what a boring day! I didn't say it was a bad day, but it was hella boring. A lesser sane person would have freaked out, but I took it in stride. I have come to the conclusion that my life is a series of hills and valleys and to get to each of these spots there must be some flat road. I am peddling away on the open plains right now.
We finished the Parent/Child Book Comparative. It came out pretty well. Hopefully the creative will make up for the bullshit content.
I did alot of blog reading today. There are sooo many stories! I feel bad I can't read them all, but I did add some new ones to my collection. Take a moment to check these peeps out and I'll add them to my roll on the side:
Tim's Weblog, Chubby Chocolate, Getting Myself Together, Confessions of a Serial Dater, Pieces of my soul, Thoughts and Reflections of a Blackman In America, Round Midnight,Tales From The P,The Unconquerable Soul and Young, Black and Fabulous
You see how addicting this is?! How and where in the hell do I have time to read all these blogs daily, lol Yet I will, lol Because blogging has made me get in touch with my inner-nosiness like never before.
I saw Crash today and to be honest, it wasn't all that people had hyped it up to being. Maybe because I don't have blindfolds on when it comes to those kinds of things. I don't spend anytime trying to fool myself into thinking that I don't have prejudices or that everyone around me doesn't either. So it was not shocking, it was not mindblowing and it was not something that I am going to be thinking about tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder if it were a bad move to have people I know read my blog. Alot of these people I interact with daily and here they are reading all about me. Could I do a sex entry? Could I tell an explicit story about something and feel comfortable? You know there are those sides to me as well, lol.
Now it might not seem like it seeing as since the beginning of this blog February of this year I have had sex - ONCE!!!!!!!!!!! That's right ONCE!! Now I have dated...alot, but nothing has lead to sex. I sometimes wonder about the single sexing folks - is it that easy to get some? How come it's not easy for me? Is it my fault? Have I backed my own self into a corner because I think to much?
Earlier this week me and 'mobetta' were talking about our favorite subject - sex and recreational sex and booty partners. I just don't have the bandwidth or shall I say won't acquire the bandwidth to maintain such a coupling. In my minds eye (and of course this is just me) There is sooo much fakeness surrounding it. You call and we both have to summond up some fantasy or some fake feeling to say the right things and make the right noises to get to a point where your physical overpowers your mental. Then you have to play by all these stupid rules and you can't talk and you can't call and you can't snuggle and you can't - fuck all that! I'd rather just be by myself. The energy it takes to maintain a booty call (at least for me) is just not worth it. I shrivel up and freak out and then somewhere there is a man or two walking the earth - convinced I'm a toad, lol lol. When I'm really not. I just really have never been one to get off on genitals alone. Usually if my mind is having multiple orgasms - then the rest of me is and if I have to bring myself close to orgams before you even get there - then it's not going to last. Not to mention, I will freak out (I can be honest) and try to find something deeper which leads to the above statement about men walking around thinking I'm wack.
I did alot of dating this summer and didn't give up any ass. There were plenty who wanted it, but I was just not feeling it. I teeter between being a so-called women of the present and trying to do some actual 'relating' to a negro.
Here's something that might be odd - 'mobetta' knows about every man I've ever been with in detail. How and Why? I can't really explain because pretty much I need him visually to have been with just me and his ex-wife, lol. Yet he has this enormous ability to receive information alot of brothas ain't even trying to hear. Now yes I know that is part of his most powerful game and probably one of the reasons I'm somewhat still trapped in his web, but I find it interesting that I can say to him "I had sex with so and so and it was xyz and we xyz and I found it to be xyz" and he not blink.
Now I feel compelled to say - I still have appendages on my hands and feet that have not been counted when it comes to partners - so if I have 20 fingers and toes - you can do the math and kinda ascertain my overall (give or take a few) conquests, lol lol. I met my husband at 18 a virgin, I was with him for 10 years, I took about a year and half to mourn his death - I'm 39 now....Do I think I have missed anything that maybe my more 'worldly' sisterly counterparts have encountered? NOPE - the interesting thing about my sexual life is that each encounter has been a complete lesson in something or the other. The fact that I also had sooo much book knowledge and know myself soo well also helps. I am quite the cameleon and I like that. I am quite particular about my bedding choices - yet when I do engage; I gets my groove on. I like that about myself. Do NOT let the cover fool you, lol lol.
Hmmmmm - how did I end up on the topic of sex? Maybe because it crossed my mind today, lol. Well it is crossing my mind alot lately - it's been a minute. Especially since I really don't see myself getting any in the remainder that is 2005. Damn! Sometimes I get envious of the women who have learned how to disassociate themselves from their vaginas and have sex just for the sake of sex. That have figured out how to have multiple men to create them a 'Frankenstein' of sorts - a couple of men to make up their one dream man. That group of late 30 folks that can meet, greet, have a $12 dinner and whooo hoooo let's get to fucking; but seeing as everytime I have tried to 'recreate' my persona to possibly go down that road - it's been a disaster..(I am ashamed to say that I have even lied about an encounter to fit in - peer pressure for adults ain't THAT a bitch) I don't have to fall but once and scrape my knee to know that I might not be good at that. That sure doesn't mean that I couldn't use a good stiff one..........and I'd like a mint garnish with that, lol.
But you know what, I just have not (if I'm honest) met anyone that I have been attracted to, not physically or mentally in a minute as well. That's why I know that I've made the right decision (even if it is painful, lol) to back out the dating world as an aggressor (i.e. dating sites etc.) for now. Give it all time to refresh you know. Everone should have Plan A and Plan B but if you are now contemplating Plan C - then maybe you need to just sit this dance out. I was starting to go out with my C list and we all know - we prefer to stay in the A and B range.
So I've rambled enough - I just basically placed my fingers on the keyboard and let it flow and this is the direction it flowed in.
Posted by Pamalicious ::
8:45 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Sunshine Monologue 58
A Year Older, An Hour More Sleep
Woke up all confused last night because I didn't set back the clocks. I had this coughing fit and ended up watching three episodes of "Girl Friends" for the 10th time on BET. Just couldn't sleep. After redressing the bratz doll and having her do the laffy taffy at 8am this morning, I went ahead and put my neckbones (beef) in the crock pot and downloaded 32 songs for "mini-me" on her new MP3 player. She is estatic, lol.
No this isn't her blog, but if I'm talking about me, there is room to share the spotlight with that which I birthed. Don't worry, I'll be back to peeking inside my head this week, because I jotted some good stuff down that was on my mind on my T2 last week. All of this - just rounds out...me. Soooo don't trip if I'm spending time talking about my daughter.
So we all gathered at the crib to go to D&B yesterday to have the 'nonparty'. Now I really was meaning to scale this way down, but then I had a thought. I wanted 'mini-me' to be exposed to the 'right' crowd and I wanted us to get in with that group. So it was worth it for me to take this first year of middle school and foot the bill to get in said crowd. She had already met the girls (sorry but from my minds eye - you can sit outside any school and pick out the 'types' you don't want your children milling around) and if you give them the right eye to look out of - they will group according to what direction you trying to get your child to go in. So the girls had already gravitated towards each other.
All us parents stood around and talked a good hour, lol lol. The activities they did, the goals they had and the direction they were trying to send their daughters in was right in line with me - so I certainly wanted to make sure that they knew without a shadow of a doubt; me and 'minime' were (with this non-party) officially applying for membership.
Remember when you were 12 - things like time and space had no concrete meaning. I say that because four girls piled into the Hyundai together in the back seat and had no problem, lol lol. Janet and I rode in the front of course and we took off up 285 to 85 to get to D&B. One little girl was meeting us there.
"Mini-Me" was going for the real life bratz look to a certain extent and she pulled it off. She was georgous - all the girls were looking young and fresh (slap me for using an old school word, lol).
As we all got out the car - there were a group of boys about 10 or so and they got wayy flustered. Janet and I looked at each other and died laughing.
We sat at two different tables by the bar and Janet and I agreed, D&B had greatly expanded their drink menu. She had a 'snowcone and I had a 'candy shop'. YUMMMMY! The girls effectively turned over three different glasses on their table, but otherwise they ordered and sat and talked etc. They were itching to get up and play games, but I warned them and they cooled out.
It took me back, of course, to when I was 12 and the differences. Nowadays kids travel - they go out together and it's a parents job to facilitate it. I didn't go NO DAMN WHERE when I was 12, lol. Gathering, interacting and playing were so different. You did it all on your block! You created activitity yourself and your range of motion was whereever your bike could take you. All these car trips and bussing your kids to so and so's house - NADA back in 1978, lol lol.
As adults our role was to basically keep an eye on the girls as they moved about playing games after we ate. They each had $10 worth of playing time (that came with the meal). The particular D&B we went to isn't really that crowded during the day, so it was easy to see them all around for the most part.
Suddenly all five of them came flying over "A Grown Man tried to talk to mini-me!" Janet and I looked at each other and then looked at them. "A grown man said mini-me was cute and I called him a pervert and yelled run" So now on instinct, I am up and saying show me who. We round the corner and....SCREECH! It's a young man around 15-16 or so. Janet and I look at each other and then I identify the age bracket to them and say that you don't have to respond to comments, you can say thank you and just walk away. He's a teenager. If he says anything else to you, let me know. LORD HAVE MERCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We stayed about three hours as I had planned. As soon as Janets behind hit the seat she was out cold......AMATEUR, lol lol.
Opening gifts was alot of fun and 'mini-me' got a nice little chunk of change that we will go and round out her winter needs with.
I am anal about pictures etc. so before the night was over, I had linked and sent out the b'day pictures to family and friends, printed out a picture of the girls for each of them to keep, chose the ones I wanted to put on my desk and printed out a couple for her to take to school. I like to put finality on an event.
Soo all in all a good time was had - I got a taste of my immediate future in terms of...boys and chilled at Dave and Busters.
No not a man worth mentioning in the entire establishment!!!!!!!
Well now I have to go and put my foot in 'mini-me's ASS because the parent/student comparative book study project is due tomorrow and she's left the book at school and neither one of us has read the last chapter!!!
Posted by Pamalicious ::
12:30 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Sunshine Monologue 57
Mini-Me Party Time
Well today we are going to do the lunch thing at Dave and Busters today. The house is clean, the gifts are wrapped and I will be having a shot before I go. "Janet" is coming to help assist. I'll be back this evening....
SHHHHHH.......Here's what I got her
Except hers is Disney "That's So Raven' (It's hella cool!) - now I can lower my stock in AA batteries (well you know I still got some stock for um..other reasons, lol) because it's rechargable and we can TOSS the CD player and her collection she drags around. It's memory expandable too! Right now she's feeling "Javier, Dwele and Maroon 5 and this greatest hits of Ella Fitz Gerald" (Yes I made sure she was exposed to other music)
She's at that age where she wants a doll, but she wants to be more interactive with said doll! WALAH! The damn thing got tats, lol lol Not to mention I can't wait to get on her head, lol lol Sometimes Mini-Me will wake up and I've done all their hair and posed them around the room (she has about five or six heads). While she was away on Winter Break - "Janet" and I spent alot of time playing with these doll heads, lol lol
Posted by Pamalicious ::
9:15 AM ::
Speak Your Piece
Friday, October 28, 2005
Sunshine Monologue 55
There’s A Meeting InThe Ladies Room
Just came off of a two day meeting at one of our popular airport hotels. As I don’t talk specifically about my job – I can’t really expound, but I saw this as a great blog opportunity (who else looks at the world thru blog eyes) so I decided to for the meeting – write down as many random thoughts as I could capture while taking meeting notes, that came to my mind, lol Sooo good people in no particular order, with no rhyme or reason – here yah go!
- If the Big Scandavian Keebler Woman who grabbed the big box and slung it like a man caught me in an alley would she beat me up?
- Exactly when did my name become Heat and/or Cold Miser?!
- If you have a lot of back fat – can you lay comfortably on your back
- Did anyone have a booty call?
- Is anyones dick hard at this table right now?
- Does keebler dick have any ‘wow’ factor about it?
- What is everyone else thinking about?
- Who thought up note taking when people are speaking real time – they need to be shot!
- Where does all the wasted food go?
- Anyone invite a hotel African back to their room for a little mandingo love?
- Who is doing kegals like me?
- Who had phone sex last nite?
- Did anyone do anything nasty in this food?
- Why are there never any black men?
- Is an all black attendee meeting ghetto? Never been to one
- Has anyone missed me online?
- I want a jump drive those are cool
- Why has my stove broken so close to Thanksgiving…Gotta get that fixed!
- Why is the only thing that taste good to me lately fruit?
- Gotta watch my netflix movies this weekend
- I’m backing off dating until 2006 – start anew – unless Tyrese showed up
- If I slide a powerpoint of slavery in the mix would anyone notice?
- I need me an interactive website to take me to the next level once I turn 40
- So tired of being broke!
- why have I only made eight cents on my google ads? Damn!
- Hope there is no traffic – I’m not in the mood
- Whoever made control top pantyhose needs to wear them for a day
- Can’t Wait for my day off next Friday
- Oh dear Lord don’t let me fall asleep
- Humming….”Hey Girl How yah doing? First name Charlie, last name Wilson
- Why is my income tax for next year already spent?
- Can anyone see me text sexing ‘mobetter’ under the table
- Open Message – You are such a freak, I miss you
- I know this on both counts – Send Message
- Open Message - Remember when we *&^^^%&^%
- Yea I hit my head on the TV when I flew off *)$&*– Send Message
- I’m getting me a new cell phone in December
- Open Message - yea we didn’t disturb the carpet marks
- Yea that was to much *&^^%$ - Send Message
- Do they still sell electric blankets? I need 2
- Cats have HIV – damn!
- Am I only cute…..to me?
- Is assigning goodness to your sex - - arrogant and misguided? Who told you this and do you or they really believe it?
- How come if drinks are by consumption I can’t get a damn full size glass instead of a juice sized one
- I need some hair sheen, my scalp is dry
- I want to go home and put on my PJ’s
- Wonder if some handsome men are going to be at Dave and Busters tomorrow?
- If you’re not totally ‘grown’ at 40 - - then what? Are you ever fully grown? Or is life about reconciling it Ilife) for the rest of your life?
- Do most things need to be chucked up to WTF? And just leave it at that?
- If I had sex now, after this many months – would it even be worth it?
- I need to write down these blog entry ideas I have before I forget
- I need to read the new blogs I found
- Gotta Remember to tear these papers up
Posted by Pamalicious ::
2:28 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Sunset Monologue 95
Isn’t She Lovely
Blog Musical Mood: Greatest Love Of All – George Benson (Whitney Houston)
She's finally here!
She came into this world at 10:03am. She was an opinionated something, lol. Most of my pregnancy she sat Indian style looking out – her hair blowing in the wind, lol (I have sonograms of this). I was just surprised she didn’t come out glowing – seeing as I had about a DOZEN ultrasounds. I used to laugh at her hair waving in the fluid. As I looked at them hold her high above me – I saw she had enough hair for a barrette at birth!
Her Father was on his way from NJ (since she came three weeks early) and so he missed the birth – but we both were sitting there when they finally after several hours under the lights (because I had gestational diabetes when we broke our connection – she had the shakes) they brought her into the room. She was the spitting image of….HIM, lol. I had never seen a baby with such dark hair and eyes. She was a little wisp of something to 5 lbs. 15 oz. She was hella alert as well those piercing eyes looking at us like “Ok now what?”.
I remember the first sign she was musically inclined. She was about a week old and Tevin Campbell’s “Can We Talk?” came on the radio – I loved that song and listened to it quite often during the latter portion of my pregnancy. She immediately went looking for the music – she recognized it (and the theme of the Young and the Restless, lol).
She was always awake but not crying – just looking around. She wanted to see everything. She wasn’t too keen on the breast – that was coming to slow and she wanted bottles for babies six months when she was two weeks old. I laugh at the pictures of her gulping down that milk – the whole bottle covering her face, lol
She had A LOT of attitude as well. One conversation her father had was distinctly telling her she had to get a better attitude. She would just stare at you instead of cry and basically look like fire starter, lol She wouldn’t cry she would growl at you, lol lol
I remember her little six month old hand – patting on the casket of her father…………..
She started fighting early – like 10 months, lol I have a picture of her basically leaping out my arms to attack her cousin, lol lol The girl was wild, lol lol but looked like a living doll.
She also wasn’t really feeling that whole ‘baby’ thing. She threw her own bottle away at 9 months and it took me maybe two weeks to potty train her.
She’s always been an entertainer, but it really picked up when she was about two. She always wanted a Microphone and her pocketbook, lol She would sing and sing and dance and perform.
She’s grown up in a home and a family who have overwhelmed her with love. She has an aura about her that is a bit older than her years. She’s a jet setter having begun flying alone at 5 and she has been more places than me…..but isn’t that what it’s all about.
I look at the pictures of that little peanut I used to hold, who used to fight and who’s hair is so sharp that it will cut your fingernails clean off, who left the house saying she was going to Hollywood in a raincoat and cowboy boots…..
And I see the budding young woman she is today. She still has those dark eyes and her hair is the same hair that was on her head at birth (sometimes when you’re born with hair it falls out – not hers). She enjoys anything artsy, her green tea w/milk and Teen Nick. She doesn’t like boys yet famous or otherwise and has decided that she wants to compose music because as she says “Performers are lame – the money is in writing
So HAPPY 12th BIRTHDAY MY DEAR!! Your Momma’s journey would just not be complete without you on it!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS!
Posted by Pamalicious ::
6:48 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Sunset Monologue 94
ABC...As Easy As 123
Blog Musical Mood: Billie Jean - Michael Jackson
Soooooo I can't read minds, I didn't acquire any super powers and I can't predict the next big lottery numbers - which means the bump on my head was for naught! Damn!
However, I feel a bit woozy - so I'll just do a Mem that I jacked from Zed, who Jacked it from Twin who lifted it from Butta, lol lol (and you better read my blog friends!)
A - Age: 39
B - Best Friends: "Mo Betta" and "Janet"
C - Choice of Meat: That Yard Bird - Chicken
D - Dream Date: Island, dark man, titties bronzing in the sun
E - Exciting Adventure: Was held hostage in the jungles of Central America
F - Favorite Food: Frosted Flakes & milk w/ice chips
G - Greatest Accomplishment: My work in progress - my entire life
H - Happiest Day of Your Life: The day Mini-Me was born
I - Interests: Writing, Reading, Vibing, Internetting, other Ing's
J - Joke: "Thundercat, Thundercat, Thundercat...HOEEE" Said on Nick Cannon's Show
K - Kool-Aid: RED w/Lemon in it
L - Love: Sunday Mornings
M - Most valued possession: My sanity
N - Name: Pamalicious
O - Outfit You Love: Big T just showing the curve of my booty
P - Pizza Toppings: Hamburger turds and mushrooms
Q - Question Asked To You the Most: "When Are You Going to write a book?"
R - Radio Station: Right now 91.7 Jamz
S - Sport: Ironman competitions
T - Television Show: Everybody Hates Chris, Law & Order Franchise, ANTM
U - Umbrella in the rain?: Hell yea! Hairdresser expensive!
V - Video: The Question by Kindred
W - Winter: Can do without it
X - X-rays recently?: None
Y - Year Born: 1966
Z - Zodiac Sign: I met Gemini - oo what a sex drive - she wanted it from the front
back to the left to the right - "Signs of Lovemaking" Tyrese
Here's one more for you from Sista Morena
- Delve into your blog archive.
- Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
- Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
- Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. Ponder it for meaning, subtext or hidden agendas..
Here yah go!
Sunset Monologue 23 - March
Lip Gloss application is one sexy thing if done right (wink)(wink)
My Mind was bright, my aura shining, my 'it' on fire.
Sunshine Monologue 23 - July
I remember waking at 4am because me and 'mobetta' would talk on the phone
Hmmm, quite interseting - Back Down Memory Lane or is it Deja Vue or is it Memorex or is it Stagnation or is it a Glimpse of hope............
Posted by Pamalicious ::
7:30 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Sunshine Monologue 54
Today is Tuesday, October 25, 2005 and at 6:05 this morning I fell off the commode and cracked my head on the tub - Actually was balancing myself via my forehead. This is a sign and message on so many levels - Blogger doesn't make enough bandwidth for me to expound.
Have A Nice Day!
Posted by Pamalicious ::
7:12 AM ::
Speak Your Piece
Monday, October 24, 2005
Sunset Monologue 93
Nouns, Adjectives, Pronouns, Verbs
"You have a story to tell" "You sure should write a book" "When are you going to start writing" I hear this on almost a daily basis - except I never really clarify so let me do it now......I AM WRITING! LOL LOL. This daily linkage of letters, syllables and words is writing, lol. My belief is that you should not write for 'financial reward or compensation' - writing by timelines and thru editorial comment etc. is not where I am at right now.
I have 7000+ (and counting, thanks) verifying that I am writing. I started when I was around 11. I have four boxes of journals, two half written manuscripts, one novelette of short erotic stories, a couple of poems and this here blog - I have effectively put together the ground work for my greatest masterpiece - My Memoirs when....I...Die. That may sound morbid, but in looking back - I've done an incredible thing - This is the "Dairy of Pamela" Not Alicia Keys, nor Anne Frank - but Pamela.....Damn!
I might one day crank something out, that would count as 'money making', but I don't mind - giving it away - everything you possess shouldn't always be for sale to the highest bidder - sometimes you have to give to get.
I'm walking in my mind barefoot with a guitar and a funky afro in about 1969. I'm sitting in Central Park, playing my guitar.....just because - - this is my spot in central park and you all smile stop by and listen. I'm fine, I'm happy, and I am.....WRITING!
As if I needed something else to send me swanging, lol
- Read a good book last night, made me hyperventilate - "I'm Ok, You're My Parents." - Was able to put some of this into effect - IMMEDIATELY - Every Little Step I take, I am standing taller and taller, eventually I will be walking in my own shadow....
- Decided to go look at some men to remember what they look like, lol and who did I see all grinning etc but....."Italy". Wow! On one hand I was like ok he on the prowl, but on another hand it disturbs me how we (myself included) just toss people aside and have encounters and then poof it don't mean shit! The internet has fucked up relationships....FOREVER!
- If you are want some grooves to move to while you are internetting check out this music site.
- Let me get my picture ready to get me some POSTAGE STAMPS
- Let me take a moment to give a shameless plug. This right HERE represents The first man on the moon - one bold step for man and one bolder step for my mom! LOL LOL So check it out - maybe purchase something and check it out again.
- Work off some energy beating some ass
- Want to play with PAPERDOLLS?
"Janet" is quite worried about that little 'story' about her birthing something. I sure hope I don't get on the hot seat - I already got enough issues after I painted on stomach muscles, lol lol.
Almost as nice as a warm man on a cold nite - a warm bowl of hearty homemade chicken noodle soup done NY style - meaning - you cook the noodles separate from the broth - so no sogginess. Yep those are whole wheat noodles - quite tasty!
Posted by Pamalicious ::
5:25 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Sunshine Monologue 53
Delete, Delete, Delete - what a crisp cool morning. The perfect morning for oatmeal and coffee, lol I started out this morning on here - cleaning up the Messenger. I have 'issues' with people I've saved who never have the whereforall to contact me to say hello - it is usually men - so I had to get rid of all the dead weight. I have deleted so many people in just the five years I've had my current screen name - I wonder whose list I'm still on, lol lol. I am seriously considering changing my name the day of my Birthday. Now that would be a trip! I might even have a contest to decide what, lol
So I am more and more feeling loose and free and in a non-constrictive mode, so I don't need defined topics etc. (I will bold something in order to indicate SWITCH) and I will be cursing a bit more. I curse in my real life - not vulgur but a well placed damn or hell (my two favorite words) just work. My daddy always told me that people who curse alot are devoid of understanding of the English language. So I always make sure I do know WHAT to say and just choose to curse instead, lol lol. The first signs of the breakdown of a civilization is the breakdown of the language, which is why I DON'T talk Ebonics, lol lol When I was little a 'summer assignment' was to write the entire Webster Dictionary. I still will look up words and not take any on face value - I want to know what it means. It's amazing how when you assign defination to something, the whole flow changes. That's why things I want to remain in (i.e. Me and Mobetta) I don't define - because I know the realization of that defination would just ruin it, lol lol.
You know I like Mini-Me she's so different than me. I know supposedly at some point I'm not going to like her (since love is constant). She's suppose to make me really not like her as a person, but I won't subscribe to that and put it in the atmosphere. I want to go with it and see where it takes us. Automatically assuming I am going to have a problem - almost assures I am. My mom didn't have this big huge problem out of me and I am approaching it that way with her. I'm not quite sure who Mini-me is at this point. She's a fragile soul (that is like me) but she had wayyyy more spunk than me and she's a fighter as well - she will kick your ass, lol boys, girls doesn't matter, lol lol. She's a bit of a loner and has alot of single child syndrome in her pocket, but the thing I like most about her - is that she's 'affected' and that she's 'compassionate' - I truly think she's going to work with the mentally, emotionally and physically handicapped in her adult life, if not sooner. She has a way of making you feel comfortable and loved - that I have no idea where she got it from, because truthfully both me and her father lack seriously in those departments, lol. She loves and wants family (both of us could very well do without), she doesn't hide the effects of peer pressure etc. (both of us are probably messed up today because of it - well you know her Father is dead, so go with me on this one), she struggles with walking her own line but close enough to be a part of (I didn't), and she struggles with the assignment of beauty to her (I'll pass on this one, lol).
I say all that to say (and every parent for the most part has felt this) it is a most painful thing, when you can't give your child everything their heart desires. I didn't say it was something you have to do, because any idiot knows that's the wrong thing to do - YET you would like in your mind to think that you can, it's a parent thing.
Here's how you take pain, dress it up and make better - but it's still a pig in a dress. I proclaimed a long time ago that things like clothes etc. aren't really my thing. I just so happen (and this is the truth) to enjoy shopping second hand, it really does relax me - so in my 'attempt' to hide (whether it be weight issues, money issues etc. etc.) I have let that 'idea' replace the truth of the matter that I do like going shopping. I stay away so that I won't be disappointed. I've never been able to struture my money to be able to 'shop' like I see other women shopping. I just have always been 'practical' I didn't grow up with no Fashionistas, so it was never a priority. MISTAKE!!! because now I'm almost 40 and I've been thinking - I wanna shop! LOL, but I have no idea.....how to begin to change my personal culture to adopt this practice.
I go to the mall and I literally become overwelmed and stressed. There's so much going on, I feel inadequate and ill equipped. I want soooo much, I am the child and Mini-me turns into the parent - except she doesn't know it. I feel like a damn fool!
I'm in a space where I want to be selfish and explore my own growing needs about this YET I have to steer her in the right direction. Because I still dont' want her becoming a 'slave to popularity and fashion' She has got to be comfortable doing her.
This has all come to a head because after years this is the first one where she doesn't have to wear a uniform! Thus I am faced with my own demons. My mind goes back to my childhood and the two outfits from Zayres a school year we got and how I was made to think alot of things were a bad thing to cover up for just what my parents couldn't or wouldn't do and WALAH I have turned into.....my parents. I looked at all those cool cool girlie clothes and I wanted to get that stuff for my baby - but I just didn't have the money. She picked out some cute jeans and a cute bolero shirt and on the way back to the car, she thanked me and then bit by bit - had a nervous breakdown.
Apparently her friend said she wore this one pair of jeans all the time - now Mini-Me has clothes - she's choosing to wear these jeans all the time and because they are distinct - you can tell when she wears them more than once. Well her tears fall and I feel under ALOT OF PRESSURE. (1) I'm mad because I couldn't get me shit! (2) Because I'm counting my money and it's disappearing fast and I just got paid FRIDAY. It's swirling all around me. So we get in the car and we go over to the thrift. We go in and I go straight to the girls and we quickly pick out four pairs of pants - all brand name and all cute. Can I even afford this right now? NOPE. She puts her hand on my elbow and says "Mom let's go" We go to the register and I pay and we are silent on the way home. When we get there - she takes her stuff in her room and lays it all out. She has a pair of Tommy Hilfiger Cords, some Guess boot cut jeans and some old navy ones with embellishments. She quickly puts together outfits and she comes out and models for me. We don't have to have any conversation - She looks at me and knows and I look at her and know and I am light years away from where me and my mother have ever been.
I really feel a blog coming on about at what point does your childhood come back to haunt you......
Posted by Pamalicious ::
11:00 AM ::
Speak Your Piece
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Sunset Monologue 92
Evidence of Life As I Know It
P'licious unphotoshopped and devoid of makeup.....taken five minutes ago.....
I may be Black, I may be Broke, I may be Plump and to some I may even be unattractive...But I'm Alive and Here World!!
Ever notice how self-portraits always have you looking like you a deer in the middle of the road, lol
Just an afterthought: One Day I'm going to do "Sex and Plicious" now THAT should be quite interesting, lol lol
Posted by Pamalicious ::
9:11 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Sunset Monologue 91
Wow What A Party
Blog Musical Mood: "Destiny" by The Jacksons
Smack, Smack - is your mouth as dry as mine after that off the chain PITY PARTY I gave? Whew, talk about wore out, lol I do give a good party. No I'm not trivializing a real portion of my life - just, like when most of us 'go there', putting it all in perspective. I have a laundry list of things I can throw a party about from why I am $35 overdrawn at the bank, to my relationship with my Mother, but you can't thrive or survive if you give all of it power. You just DEAL and sometimes one gets away from you. My life is 80% Good - so I have to really look at that portion that is and sometimes just looking around, can give you perspective, knowing that your God hasn't forgotten about you and really has His hands full, so as long as you breathing, walking around and doing your thang (even if it's not going your way) suck that shit up.
I burned everything I tried to cook last nite and 'mini-me' said "Mom you doing to much, we could have just had Tuna Fish" wisdom of children - sometimes outweights all the theological books combined,lol
I think alot of my problem is that I am the 'go to' and I have no one to 'go to' myself. Even amongst my own angst these last two days - I doled out some advice to a friend which I'll get to later.
I was glad (oh so glad) that I didn't get a flurry of 'advice' or better yet the 'Let me take you out' IM's and Emails, lol. Sometimes I think about the fact that people I actually know, some family reads this bad boy and if I am revealing to much of myself - but then again - so what? This is me, take it or leave it. Guess what there is even MORE to me - I could write four blogs about four different subjects and still have more bandwidth for more, lol I'm a deeep sista, lol lol.
I do want to let you know however that even in the fetal position on the corner of my bed naked, here are some things I did NOT consider: 1. White men - I'd rather get with a cracked out Brotha two days outta rehab than a keebler. 2. Women - Nah I'll stick to ashy with a penis.
So far as I'm concerned all is safe with the world. What I would like is for me to be out (be it social or otherwise) and be APPROACHED by a man and spoken to and flirted with and then he ask for my number. You know straight "Hello How Yah Doing, first Name Charlie Last Name Wilson" now I'd probably miss the date cause I would have fainted - but I do know that you can meet people and it not begin with "I saw your ad and you are fine and I wanna holla at you" I damn sure know it!
I have been enjoying "Everybody Loves
Hates Chris" and you know, I needs me a blue collar Brotha. I bet you the more we watch this show the more those brothas are going to come in style. Remember when we acted like Light Skin Brothers sat with God on a daily basis - until all of a sudden the Wesleys and Tyreses and Morris' of the world took over - well mark my words - The "I work in an office and have permit parking" Brothers might be on the way out, lol Now IT Brothers are the 'new day blue collar' brothers but Nah, I'm talking Blue jumpsuit wearing, name sewed in the tag, old steel toe work boot Brothas!! I have always had an affinity for Truck Drivers, and coming from a mother who has a "Jesus" complex (every man she's ever been with has been a carpenter) I have never had anything against our Garbage, Cable, Construction type Brothas. I bet they know what side their bread is buttered on, lol. I be they would appreciate me all up in their grill with a hot meal, a warm towel some clean dry clothes and some constant loving, lol lol. I'd get me some nice pats on the ass then - and they would be real enough to appreciate relationships. Now of course - I'm in la la land cause we ALL got issues, but I'm just giving the Real Blue Collar Brothers a shout out, the ones who think Red Lobster is a five star restaurant, who when they get dressed up, don't equate that to mean we gotta go smooze with the 'beautiful people', one who likes to bowl, the ones who knows alot, but isn't stressing because he hasn't gotten his masters degree, the ones who got them rough hands and like you to lotion them up for them, the ones who will tell you they threw a keeblers can in their hedges - - just because, lol lol That's who I'm shouting out!!
Above I mentioned that I gave a dear friend some 'sisterly' advice. Let me introduce you to him (I have his permission). He has a problem: Some kinda way what probably started off as a devious diabolic plan went terribly to the left. We all know "William" from the UPN Show Girlfriends (which by the way is in the crapper - they need some black writers QUICK!,but I digress) the best male/girl friend you could ever have. Well my friend decided that was going to be his 'rap' except for one thing - he removed all his testosterone from the equation, lol lol Over the years I have looked at this man morph into an smurf or something,lol. He has hoards of women everywhere he goes on the net - they giggle and encourage him on etc. etc. etc. but he can't seem to get a date or develop his romantic life. Soooo I've seen him on his blog - slowly co-signing my pity party. Well he came to me, because I told him I read his post. I would love for him to get his mojo back, so I told him 'go right now and RECLAIM YOUR BALLS!!" IF YOU SHOW UP NEUTERED, WE WON'T OFFER YOU A CAN OF BALLS!! (now of course I came harsh - cause I was going thru something and he toned it down for his blog,lol), but it's the truth - yea we want you to be our friend AFTER you've established that you're the man. Didn't Chris Rock, do a bit on this 'how you end up in the friend zone' in one of his comedy specials? Oh yes he did. Let US put you there - don't go there willingly damn! I want you to step to me - ego on 1000, testosterone leaking out your pours, your manliness smelling up the room - THEN as part of your overall turn me on factor - be attentive, get to know me, act interested etc. etc. All the women he knows for the most part did him a disservice, we encouraged this, someone closer to him than me, should have told him this. If all those women jocking him are not considering DOING HIM - Snip Snip cut em loose!!!!! Don't entertain but so much teasing and so much 'Aww you cool"
FuckFreak all that! LOL LOL That's for Teddy Bears - you trying to meet viable women, date and maybe get you some,lol I think he got the message :)
ONE MORE THING.....
My name is available on Yahoo - can someone hit me up and tell me what direction I could go in if I became Pamalicious.com - - thanks!
Posted by Pamalicious ::
4:45 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Sunset Monologue 90
Picking It Up Off The Floor
Blog Musical Mood: "Far Away" Kindred & the family soul
As I sat at my desk today, watching my carefully applied facade leak away, it dawned on me that if I don't take care of myself - I'm no good to anyone else. I wasn't feeling well, but I felt this pressure to perform and so there I sat until I said ENOUGH, I'm going home. I barely made it to the car before the tears started to fall. I'm not a cryer, so if I start to cry it is definately to release the toxins from my body. It becomes refreshing for me. Sometimes I have to break all the way down to build myself back up - kinda like a snake shedding it's skin. I looked back over the summer of my reality and it didn't exactly look like I wanted it to look. Couple that with I guess the tail end of some awful PMS and....
then the realization that 'mobetta' really tried to come and play with the band - we're at a pivitol part of this movie of ours. Your trumpet won't be sold..........I wish they had showed the other part of that story.....I need to know my lines, my script and what I am doing before I'm asked to 'save you'. Spike give me a call.
I stared in the mirror and chastised myself for taking myself there. I looked closely at my eyes - looking into my soul - forcing myself to count my blessings - cursing myself for all the mistakes I've made and my 'feelings' and 'morality' and 'Marvin Gaye Issues' that have messed up opportunities at relating in my life. I don't want to stop 'feeling' - if I do then I would have officially died. I can't separate myself from myself. I can't separate my coochie from my body, I can't detatch and become a part-time with a part-time soul available for some part-time pleasure.
I slept long and hard. no dreams, no thoughts - just rest. I tried to log into the alternate server a couple of times but it is down - God has told me to rest on that -it ain't going nowhere and I'm sure they got along just fine.
Expressing myself here is awesome - just me and my thoughts - no advice - no words of wisdom - no slinging other parts of that which is a complicated me in my face - just me and some cheap self-therapy, lol
There was a these type of feelings would be followed by a couple of personal ads. I would reach out to make sure I still got it. That won't be a part of the map this time - mainly because that's not where he is - If I went back today the SAME MEN are on the site - what does that tell you? Hey how you doing? You broke down enough? Ready to join the party? It's taken some time and some fine finessing of words, but I knew you would be back......for me to hit it. That's okay, that's okay.
What I am going to do is continue on doing what I am doing. Get my strut together and get my drag together and roll on into the winter with 'mini-me' - feeding my soul with the things I do have available to me right now; my writing, my reading, my blogging, my friends, my movies etc. Going to tell a bill collector or two they can wait and I'm going shopping and treat myself to a couple of outfits (which is not my method of self medication) - speaking of....
What I won't do is EAT THIS! Food is the perfect lover. Warm, tastey, engaging, intriguing, it listens, it is there at night, it curls up with you and scoops your booty while you're sleep it's the perfect date (it always knows what you wanna do), it includes you in all activities, it speaks to you openly and freely......I cancelled my date! Lose my Number!
Well as any parent can testify - time to suck it up because my mother duties are calling and they don't give a damn about any of this, lol
Reminder...if you dare!
Tonite at 10pm est on LOGO (the gay/lesbian channel) Noah's Arc premieres. The lives of Black Gay Men in dramedy form.
No More Drama
I don't usually post females up in this joint - but based on how I feel today - I wanted to post these pictures of Mary J. Blige. The Emergence of a Woman touched by love - It's a beautiful thang!!!
Posted by Pamalicious ::
5:03 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Sunshine Monologue 52
Behind these smiling eyes of mine
'Somewhere There's A Love Just For Me' sitting silently by myself, with myself, I undress myself as the tears silently fall. Is there no love for me? Have I already used up my chances? Am I being punished? I see it all around me, I want to feel it...again. Am I out of style? Am I not seen? Smiling, laughing trying to keep up the happy spirit - - while alone with my loneliness I sit. I go about my life, holding my head up high - daily prepared for if this is the day I get....love. Is this the day that the twinkle in my eye, the wittiness in my words, the bounce in my step - catches his eye.....for more than a minute...or for longer than the possibility of sex looms off in the horizon.
Do I want it too bad? How can you want love to bad? Something you hold close to your heart which is probably why you don't have it. I could have said I loved people - because that is in fashion - but it's too powerful and too meaningful to just toss around like old socks.
Every once in awhile - I can't hold back the feeling behind these smiling eyes of mine - and the sadness overspills.......Peace to you all!
Posted by Pamalicious ::
9:45 AM ::
Speak Your Piece
Monday, October 17, 2005
Sunset Monologue 89
Moan Moan Moan
Bones ache, head hurts, chills, feeling cold, ears poppin, nasty taste in mouth - needs to be OVER by in the morning. I'm only conscious long enough to cook dinner and get 'mini-me' on the right track. I stayed home today because I was up most of the night - - trying to breathe! My chest kept closing up. Now I am one not to want to take alot of meds, but I took some and that only caused my head to open up thus the freaking drainage. YUCK! I gotta go in tomorrow (and ya'll know I don't discuss my job but please insert a deep sigh). What's funny is that 'mini-me' rarely and I mean if once a year ok, gets sick. This girl is a rock. She tends to take care of me more than I take care of her in this department. She makes a mean green tea with a hint of milk (she started drinking tea when she was 9 and has tea cups etc. she likes to use). She hates when I do get sick, because I cry (fake cry) but I pretty much reduce down to a baby. The 'crying' opens up my chest - but she is just like 'grow up' LOL LOL.
Now you know when you are in a drug induced sleep - you usually will just wake up suddenly. That happen twice last nite and each time some of the most craziest shit was on the tube. First time I woke up - two women were getting it on quite explicitly I might add. I mean butt naked and joined at the coochie, lol lol. I thought it must be the drugs so I drifted back off - second time I woke up a man was speaking about having a Veneral Disease in his THROAT and wanted safe tips to performing oral on his girlfriends!!!!! I was like WTF is with late nite on Lifetime!! I cut CNN on and went back to sleep. I'd rather wake up to world tragedy than late nite freakdom, lol lol
Um I birthed you
So I'm coming home from picking up 'mini-me' and I look at her as she adjusts her glasses. She's always had the most lush eyelashes ever. I mean it's like she has two rows on the top. I notice that they are especially lush and full and curled....I just very calmly say "Mini-me, don't wear anymore mascara" I really need to carry a camera. MOMMMMM HOW DID YOU KNOW?! Because I birthed you and I know what you look like! and that Covergirl eye you got going Ms. Eva is not what's normal. So then she explains they are so long they get in her eye (I know this) and so she started using the brow brush (I know this) then one day she used the mascara and it held them up so well - she kept going, lol lol lol No Mam not at 11 3/4. No makeup! She didn't fight it but I could tell she was just amazed. I actually laughed, because it wasn't suppose to be a fight - it was I see what you did and don't do it again...cause Mother knows, lol lol
Drug induced clarity
I have been the participant in 'long term dating' as opposed to relationships. Relationships stay home on a Sunday and just watch movies. Relationships don't require makeup 24/7, relationships don't have to get up and go home, relationships wanna stay in bed all weekend and lounge together, relationships need no specific activity surrounding togetherness, relationships are not 'erect' and 'moist' all the time, relationships are some of the most corny conversations, relationships come by and check on me and act like they dont' want to kiss me cause I'm sick, but kiss me on the forehead, relationships thanks me for getting up and cooking steak, jamaican rice and string beans,
Long term dating - doesn't give a hot damn about anything outside of the activity that leads to the screwing.....
Posted by Pamalicious ::
5:35 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Sunset Monologue 88
Every Second Counts
Blog Musical Mood: "Unbreakable" Alicia Keys
You know I rank Alicia up there with Mary J - I swear I don't like them, but always have them in rotation, lol lol. Well I am sitting here with my Al B. Sure t-shirt jammed up my nose. There's a tidbit about me, I don't like Kleenex, so I use old cotton T-shirts - cotton hankerchiefs if you will. I went into the depths of our closets and switched out our clothes. So of course an allergy attack immediately followed. I've sneezed so hard and so long this evening that my uterus feels like it fell out..Damn! I took some medicine but it only opened up my passages which is why I'm sitting here looking just miserable. It's nights like these, you are glad you don't have anyone looking you in the face but then again....
Singledom is for the birds
I found this out this summer and it still rings true - whoever 'chooses' to be single is a damn fool. I hate it and it's the most boring time of my life overall I've ever had. Why in the world would I honestly (I didn't say purposedly because you make due with that you are given) say that I was content and happy living up in here without any adult interaction in my life? If I didn't have 'mini-me' I'd have a room mate. I have so much free time it makes no damn sense.
Today was the most beautiful day in Decatur. The sky clear and a most maginificent blue. I thought about the difference a man would make on this perfect day. A call to ask what's up? What my plans were - maybe make plans to go out and enjoy this weather. An inhouse man would be even better because then we all could take a drive, go to a park and enjoy this weather.
I find myself either full or empty and no in between. If I'm not 'pursuing' dates by means of the internet etc. - then I have no male friends persay. No one just calls me from my past an goes "hey Pam what's shaking - wanna hang out?" what's up with that?! You know what nevermind...don't tell me,lol I don't even wanna know and I don't want any Instant Messages tomorrow - giving me some shout out. SAVE IT!
That's how long I was on the phone with "mobetta" today. I know I just got thru going off above, but this is different. I know only one person who I wuold even devote this much energy to and that is "mobetta" - we are an endless pitt of conversation - the whole world is a subject and we intend to speak at least one sentence on it all. I am never bereft of words for this man. It's a very scary place to be sometimes - but I can't let it go - I won't let it go - - 18,000 seconds of harmony, unity, peace and understanding - if only - if only
For The Love of You
Saturday, I just didn't want to be home. I want to be out in the world, so I decided to add some thrill and take "Mini-Me" on her b'day walk thru. This is the time of year where I go to the store and just follow behind her while she gushes over b'day wishes. I remember when all this took was a walk thru Toys R Us - nowwww it involves (gasp) the mall!! I felt a shiver go down my back just typing this. You all know I am not a mall person - I can stay away from months at a time. But like any good mother, I have to go where 'mini-me' feels most comfortable and so thats where we went. She did okay, she got only a tiny attitude. We are at the stage where apparently I am an 'embarassment'. It makes me feel bad, because I think I'm a young, cool mom (which in reality is probably THE reason I am an embarassment to begin with, lol). We spent 7 hours out the house on Saturday as I took note of everything she expressed interest in. She's teetering she wants toys AND tween stuff. She'll get one of each. As a parent you wish you could just give your child the entire world - as a good parent and a broke one, you know that wouldn't benefit her any. So I saw a few things that I think she would be most thrilled with. Her birthday is in two weeks....she will be.........12.
Boots: 9 Clothes: ZIP
Well I have taken out the winter clothes. It was a several hour proces today. I am one who puts up clothes according to season. I don't have the closet space to keep all my clothes out. I am always surprised at what I find because I usually forget what I have. I came away from my excursion with "mini-me" a bit depressed because I too see alot I would love to have. I think that's the real reason why I've decided to 'hate the mall' - it causes to much anxiety in me. Anyway, after pulling out all my stuff, it only excalated that feeling. My winter wardrobe is seriously lacking! "Mini-Me" has plenty of tops but very few bottoms.
There is one thing that I am complete in and that's...BOOTSSSSS. Lawd I didn't realize I had acquired so many pairs. I know at the beginning of this blog, I spoke about my love for boots. Well I lined em all up and looky here - I wonder if I could get away with shirts and boots all winter, lol.
Posted by Pamalicious ::
8:16 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Sunshine Monologue 51
Back Up Off Me
Blog Musical Mood: "Scream" Michael & Janet Jackson
Whoooooo this has been one week. I have to accept something that is new in my life and try to work with it but for now and for the past few months it's been running thangs. When all I want to do is commit murder...what can it be? When the more I'm alone the better I feel..what can it be? When HUMANITY works my last nerve...what can it be? When you better sit your five dollar ass down before I make change...what can it be? When talking to Janet is like talking to Brenda K. Starr...what can it be?
Three Letters People.......
Arghhhhhhh! I have been one who has said it is a cop out and abused by women excuse some of our funky ass behaviour, yet lo and behold for the past few months I've been tracking my moods etc. (especialy since I got off the pill) and I have been bitten with this shit! I am known to have an evil streak as it is, lol I don't need fuel.
I mean really - the whole world can currently KISS MY CARAMEL ASS!! I felt it coming on like Monday, I overslept and it put me in a rush mood. Now add Mini-Me's pocketbook getting stolen, a change in the save the date, my thought process about that, my perputual brokeness, stupid niggas and stupid thoughts, the realization that you working for the amusement of others....Honey, Jack Daniels and I had a close conversation last night!!
I was sooo tight last nite, I set the showered on 'whoop ass' and it still didn't loosen me up, lol lol I don't know how to deal with this because I be damn if it's going to run me, yet I have to give into it in order to keep going. Acknowleging the breakdown emotionally into just an angry little ball - helps it. Because then I can counteract it with positivity. Yet it is hard. On some level, I feel like it's my way of spurring myself on so to speak. Most of the 'feelings' I am having are actually directed at me and my life stance and where I am in my life. I am a complacent person - I am perfectly fine at mediocre - I am NOT an overachiever, lol.
I am a wanderer and a drifter and basically if it were 1972, I would be in my hippie gear with a guitar I couldn't play, a VW van and I would be living in an apt. part time with 14 other people. That's who I am. Never understood that seeing as I was raised up by Two Type A on speed personalities. Then I found out about and met my biological father and it came full circle. Didn't even know I 'had' a biological until I was well into my 30's (not enough bandwidth on blogger for that story, lol) but all of a sudden - something clicked and though I need to constantly work on self - I have made peace with the description of self and that is what started me to thinking about a 'journey' towards 40 in the first place.
My epiphanies while I've been in this funk has been profound:
"Dating is on my shit list, lol So I'll just let it go, lol. I just don't know where a sista like me fits in anymore in the big picture - so the best thing for me to do when I am feeling this way, which means you won't be getting the best I have to offer anyway - is to sit this one out and wait for that Brother to come out the crowd and say "hey I saw you sitting over here by yourself, mind if I sit as well" (methaphorically speaking of course, but you know what I'm talking about). I know I'm a gemini but damn - even I can't be that many people, lol ME always rises to the top and I'm just not in style right now - but I will be again one day!"
"I would hope and wish that one day I could declare that I am in luvvvvv - but the reality is that I have been single for a lonnnnnng time and living alone for a lonnnnnng time. I have been single for 10+ years and living alone (w/o an adult counterpart) for the same length (subtract the 9 months I lived with young and fun) and thought I got my fantasy all intact the older I get the more reality creeps in and I see myself waking up six months and 1 day and going 'sooo I really am going to see you......everyday" LOL LOL I mean we got kids, families, friends, issues, pasts, habits, alone time needs etc. etc. and the list just goes on and on. At least I have 10 years of former matrimony under my belt.
Is it even going to work at this point? do you even really want the hassle? Have I boxed myself into a corner and even if I got a partner would I really know how to sustain a relationship?"
This should take the rest of the winter to figure out, lol lol. I think that sometimes we need to ask ourselves the hard questions in order to get to a place where the answers are more realistic. Right now I'm thinking "Duplex" and we visit each other often, ROTFL ROTFL.
Sooo today is a NEW DAY and I need to adopt a NEW IDEA about how I'm going to deal with my hormonal issues - (the quickest being get back on the pill, lol) Today is a mega-yard sale and so I'm about to get up and get ready to go to that. I am sure to get me something that will make my day!
So ya'll have a blessed one!
Posted by Pamalicious ::
8:34 AM ::
Speak Your Piece
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Sunshine Monologue 50
Blog Musical Mood: “Break of Dawn” Michael Jackson
ATTENTION!! ATTENTION! Women size 14-20, get to plucking, waxing, shaving, manicuring, pedicuring, Lane Bryant and Avenue shopping – Why?! (starting the Carlton Banks Dance) Cause ‘WE GON GET A MAN! WE GON GET A MAN!’ How do I know this? (well I don’t but go with me on this, lol) Fall is here and the weather is changing – what goes perfect with a cold beer and a good football game…….A CHUBBY SISTA!!!! You got it – all the skinny broads are on their way being put up on the shelf, lol Winter time is here and Brothas will be looking for some ‘blankets’ to curl up with at night. And Heating bills are going to be going up too – HELL YEA!! I might even get me TWO MEN, lol lol One for the week and one for the weekend.
If you have been looking around – you see Bros looking at cha. I know you see it, because I see it. Brothers have started talking about Thanksgiving and how good their momma throws down – now is the time for you to get out your cookbooks and start dropping hints sistas. Start talking about how you can’t wait to make those apple pies from scratch etc. Now be aware - Big Girl Season only lasts till Spring Break. Realize that Skinny nem have been lying in wait all winter at the gym and will be pulling out the thongs in full force for this time of year to recapture the male attention. You have a small window of opportunity to be the it girl – so don’t blow this. Almost 40% of us will actually keep the man too. Sometimes we just need a chance, and here it is.
So don’t say I didn’t warn you – I’m getting ready!!!!!!!!!!!
Chipping Away at Innocence
Mini-me got her purse stolen at school yesterday. She called me and I saw a toddler in my mind as she told me. She was so upset. No she didn’t have any money, but she had what most of us have in this situation – emotional attachments. My pictures, my 12,000 vials of lip gloss (she is 11, lol). I hate when I see my child’s innocence being chipped away at by the ills of society.
Of course I went up there after school and sometimes just knowing a child ‘belongs’ to someone helps. As I walked down that hallway with my ‘loud pumps’ on so that you could hear the ‘determined parent’ gait echoing in the hall – I knew there was probably nothing that could be done, but I wanted to show my face regardless.
Well lo and behold after talking to the principal and having them give this a bit more attention – the pocketbook was found under the gym bleachers. I am glad, now I could speak to her about how to protect herself and her property in a den full of thieves.
Posted by Pamalicious ::
8:37 AM ::
Speak Your Piece
Monday, October 10, 2005
Sunset Monologue 87
Just Another Manic Monday
Blog Musical Mood: "Unbreakable" Alicia Keys
At some point don't you wish things would shake up? You know Wednesday be the first day of the week? You work 9pm to 5am - just something to make you 'react' Am I still breathing?! Is this thing ONN?! Today's Lesson "Speaketh and thou shall fuck it upth" I need to keep my mouth SHUT! Let me say now - due to the playoffs - the October 21st show has been preempted. Please stay tuned for a future date to mark in your palm pilot, lol Well let me get it started....
OH NO MOM WAS THAT YOU!?
You know I tease about sending Mini-me to the shrinks couch, but I think I've accidently achieved that goal - - she gets in the car today and begins to relate a story she was told at before care today - her friend and her family were having dinner and her mom stands up and says "the funniest part of my weekend was I was at a party and I saw Mini-Me's mom and she was.....DROPPING IT LIKE IT WAS HOT!" and then she proceeded to show her family. Ok ya'll the look on my daughters face was priceless as she tried to do the dance and I said 'Oh this" and did the booty shake, Let me tell you - I saw years of shrink bills right before my eyes, lol lol lol Now on the flip side - this girls momma was making fun of me (probably because her husband indicated he 'liked' me so she hating anyway) but I found that to be the funniest thing I have heard in months. Janet almost wrecked her car laughing.
First realization that Mom doesn't live and die to be....MOM,lol (Parental disclaimer - I spoke briefly about the fact I wasn't out anywhere embarassing myself or conducting myself in a way I would be ashamed of) - that was funny as all get out.
Posted by Pamalicious ::
9:13 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Sunset Monologue 86
In Da Club
Blog Musical Mood: "Emotional Rollercoaster" - Vivian Green
If you listen close you will hear the sound of my bones creaking,lol. What a whirlwind weekend! I feel like I didn't get anything done, but in actuality I did. It's already Sunday evening and the week starts and I got a whole heap of stuff to try to fit into only hours a day. I have alot to tell ya'll about so let me get started.
Be Ready at 7:30pm
As evidenced by the title of this entry; a sista went out. Janet and I have been trying to explore where the grown and sexy go - so when we got an invite to Old School Second Saturday - we jumped on it! Now I haven't been out on this level of social since mid-summer, so I was anticipating this. Both Janet and I are awaiting royalty checks so we broke as hell and the lure of 'free before 10' was calling our names - except for one problem - WE ARE NEVER ON TIME!! For various reasons - we just can't seem to get that together. This time however, we said we were going to step outside our comfort zone and be on time, lol. Which meant, I had to start getting ready at around NOON that day, lol lol
Now sit back and enter the world of a woman getting ready to go out for the evening, lol. As I looked in my closet - straight panic overtook me. My heart pounded, sweat beaded up on my forehead and the universal sign of distress among all women went up "I have nothing to wear!" I pulled out five outfits and laid them out on the bed and proceeded to try each of them on, complete with jewelry. It's that iffy time of year where you don't know if you wanna rock late summer or fall gear. I fought the urge to run up the street to get me something and picked out the old standby black dress - then phase two, what shoe. I tried on various strappy sandles; dancing around my room trying to imagine what they would feel like after two straight hours on a slippery dance floor. I settled on a pair and laid everthing out on the opposite side of the bed.
I'm not sure about other women, but if I'm not seeing anyone, I tend to go bohemian. By that I mean, let the hair grow wild like corn stalks in the wind, lol lol Lately I've been communing with nature big time. Wearing pants and what not to cover up. Now I got a short dress to put on - so as I stand in the mirror looking like Sasquatch, it's time to get it all together. I got to bathe, shave, do nails and feet and make it quick. Now since this STILL ain't bout no man, I do a half shave which means up to just above the knee - if I shave up to my upper thigh ( and ladies please do the back of your legs, I have almost upchuck several lunches looking at a sista in hoochie shorts all shaved in the front turn around and she look like she got some nigga in a headlock with the back of her thighs)that means I'm on a date and If I'm clipping the cooch - IT'S ON!! So I get out all the appliances that we as women use and cart them all in the bathroom to transform into the dewey soft female all the men love.....
Soooo, now I'm out the shower, time to start the preliminary mind games. I cut on some soft music and begin lotioning up with the stuff to match the bath gel I just used. As I rub the cream in I seduce myself letting me know that I'm attractive, I'm desirable and I'm going to turn at least one head this evening.
By now the bathroom has become free of steam and I can go and put on my face. For some people this requires a cement mixer, but for me just a dab of foundation and some glittery eyeliner in 'old school' silver for the occasion and transforming these 'white girl' lips into something kissable, lol
Next up, tossling the hair and slipping the dress over my head. I'm feeling good....the the phone rings and it's Janet and we are excited because we're running on time and then I asked the question "what are you wearing?" and she begins the nightmare "Jeans" WHATTTTTTT?! "Yea you can wear jeans so to be comfortable, jeans and a funky top" I hang the phone up and look at myself and immediately run into the room. Damn Damn Damn - in five minutes I've totally changed clothes and glamed it down a bit, but now I'm late leaving the house and it's a 30-40 minute ride out to Janet's property.
EMERGENCY EMERGENCY CALL 911! I decided for some strange reason to put on TWO girdles. I don't know, it was a good time to get a sauna treatment in all that dancing I was going to be doing, lol Well I had not sat down in a good two hours, so when I got in the car - WHOOSH all the air was squeezed from my body and I couldn't breathe!! Seriously!!! I yanked the seat belt off and began trying to get the hell out of the python deathtrap I had made. After about 10 minutes,let the air flow. (As soon as I got to Janet's I took one of them off - she just shook her head in the "Mariah - you are going to HAVE to do better - shake")
Finally we are ready to go and we have one hour to get to our destination, yet it took us oooooo FIVE or so hours to get ready - - we were C-U-T-E!
Welcome Welcome to the party
The party was held at a hotel downtown and lo and behold we made it in free. We were feeling right. I had invited Sista Morena to join us and she beat us there. We found her and sat for a minute to take in our surroundings. I always have to do this because I'm not a clubber like that. I'm more a people watcher, lol I wanna see what's up. Within 2 minutes of coming on the floor where the party was being held I had scoped out the finest brotha at the set - so my work was done, lol lol. I scanned the room and identified every tall brotha in the joint and then went back and categorized all of them into Fine, Nice, Nah and Hide. Now as we all know the Hide category was the one that would probably ask you to dance...first, lol. Sitting give you a good vantage point because if you can see over a Bro's head then you know he's from here - I was looking for lower backs, lol. During this time is when I straddle the fence of adulthood. There were Brothers there in their late 40's which at my age are technically in my 'dating sphere' but they might as well date my mom, lol I was not feeling these double breasted suit, corona, fade wearing bros in the least bit. I'm still working on that one, lol
It was early but the dance floor was full already. People were mingling and what not and you know how black folks over 30 do, it's wayy more about profiling than anything else - the only saving grace for this event was it was 'old school' and that usually allows you to put your guard down.
I don't just dance to anything. Janet and I were waiting on 'that song' you know the song that you scream and race to the dance floor on. Usually for us that's a Mike song, but there are others. I just tapped my foot until that time came. Then it was ONNN!
Fifth Grade Dance
Clubbing for me is like a fifth grade dance. All the women end up dancing in the 'sista circle' You've seen the 'sista circle' groups of womens who dance together. One of the many reasons why I enjoy being a female - because we can do that, lol. Now I don't fault the Bros per say - they can't dance with everyone. I mean there are picking orders in the club. First the naked sistas, then the banging body sistas, then the sistas who got they man at the club and then the rest of us. This is Atlanta as well so most Brothas are just to damn pretty to break a sweat. The majority of them stand around just.....looking.
Well we finally hit the floor but there was a problem THE DJ SUCKED ASS!! I mean damn! He was horrible! All that scratching unnecessariy, not flowing records properly and it just broke your stride. We were doing the electric slide at like 10pm WTF?! Thats what you do when you wore out at the end. I was quite disappointed in the DJ but due to the 'genre' of music again - it could carry it's own weight.
Let me digress a moment to something I find fascinating. The worse piece of electronic equipment every made is the........CELLPHONE! Who the hell are you talking to in a loud ass room full of other people right in your face. More Negroes walking around talking on cell phones. Especially Brothas. Come on let's be real - you ain't making no deals on wall street, not checking no bank accounts, no tucking no kids in - so who the hell are you talking to?! That's level one corny as hell to me.
Shake Your Body Down to The Ground
The music took a needed shift about 11pm to straight classic hip hop. That brought everyone to the floor and the crowd of dancers was way bigger than the dance floor. The funny thing about rap is that in actuality what the hell kinda dance do you do - you are more inclined to.....RAP. We all knew all the words so there was alot of hand gesturing, posturing and threatening, lol lol than actual dancing. He took us East Coast and the West Coast and then to the dirty dirty. Now we all know I have this 'thing' for booty bass music, however, I have never danced to it in a club scenario (ain't that funny). Well now was my chance. As the strains of Luke started Janet looked at me and I look at Janet and dropped it like it was hot. We danced in that feverish rhythmic shake the music demanded and just let it all hang out. POP THAT COOCHIE!! It's poppin....it's poppin.......
My Neck My Back
Well after all that coochie poppin me and my group limped out into the lobby to catch a breeze and decided it was time to go. I really enjoyed myself and didn't let the fact that not one man approached me for any reason all night, throw me off. I was cute, I was with friends and it was all good. Sista Morena and I got separated, but I hope that I divided my time adequately. I admire the sista - she is one of those Sis. that is definately comfortable in her own skin. I watched her dancing with herself , enjoying the music and herself - GOOD FOR HER! Cause I couldn't do it, lol lol.
I woke up this morning and had an odd thought -could the following be going on in choirs across Atlanta this Sunday Morning after all that partying "Praise The Lord (Scrub the ground)"
Baby Daddy of the Week
I finally have found the apex of my desire, lol
Posted by Pamalicious ::
10:15 PM ::
Speak Your Piece
Friday, October 07, 2005
Sunset Monologue 85
Rainy Night In Georgia
Blog Musical Mood: "Rain On Me" - Ashanti
Ahh listen to the rain on the house. This is the perfect night to get undressed, cut out the lights, turn on the slow jams and lay in the dark on crisp sheets saying goodbye to summer and hello to winter. I look outside and see the rain playing in the street lights. My heart thumps in rhythm to the sound of the rain - I'm so glad I have a heart and that it's beating in the rhythm of.....God.
They Love Me
I have no idea how this happened and it kinda snuck up on me, but I am booked for the next FOUR WEEKENDS with some kinda activity. Now nothing is 100% sure but let me tell you - this weekend Old School Saturday w/the girls, next weekend Homecoming w/the class - weekend after that I'll leave alone and the last weekend Mini-Me's Birthday.
I am especially 'touched' by the circumstances surrounding Old School Saturday. I didn't plan on going because Mini-Me is sucking money from me like a Hoover - and so when I get like this I try to fade into the scenery. Well "Janet" was like "We are going end of summer dancing and I really don't want to party without you - so I'm footing 1/2 the babysitting" It brought tears to my eyes for reasons I can't even expound upon the first being I come from a place where nothing is free for me. I have to pay for everything, so when someone who is not biologically related - extends their hand in family, it touches me (it also sets me back about 10 days in my reconciliation of that issue, lol) but I feel it and it feels good.
Now I just gotta figure out how short I want my dress to be, lol Of course I'll be giving the wrap-up cause ya'll know I can't go anywhere without a story to tell, lol
Ok I have this affinity for meeting folks on line, lol I can't help it - it's this thing I do. I also am donating alot of time to the reading of blogs and I have read some from Atlanta folks. What I didn't know is that bloggers actually meet sometimes. EJFlavors IM'ed me out the blue and opened the door to another aspect of this bad boy I hadn't considered - the three-dimensional blogger,lol Now I've added a couple of specific blogs to my list (EJ's linked above) and Theprimeone and Sagaciously - be sure to check them all out.
Ummm What Had Happen Was
Ok, I know I know - I went off a couple of months ago on this whole diet kick. Even developed a separate mini-blog to document the horror. Well peeps - let me tel you I TRIED! I really did for like 68 days I was Atkins Queen. I even did a bit of exercise and I didn't drop ONE POUND. Well excuse me I did lose two pounds. I don't know what the problem was. So I'm like freak it. It gave me an opportunity to purge all the bad things from my diet which is excellent for my Diabetes sake. I also got back on track with my medication etc. and we have been making good choices. I feel better and I look better, my skin etc. and I haven't gained any weight. I feel a bit tighter as well (ok that was to fool myself). I'm cooking we no longer are doing 'white' (as in flour, rice, noodles, sugar etc.) and it's going well. Even my junk food has changed. I usually just don't have any but instead of fast food - I'm building quite a nest egg for Tastee Jamaica - damn their food is good. I get one spoon of rice and lots of cabbage and because I'm cute (lol) I get extra tails on the small platter. I used to spend $6.19 just at the Popeyes, now when I want 'fast' I spend the same amount on this. I ate half and I'll eat half tomorrow for lunch. Good stuff ya'll!!
I Wouldn't Tell Nobody That
We all have these. Those things we might have done in our lives that defy intellect, lol Even you sit around like - what in the world was I thinking about, lol Well as we know I got a penchant for meeting the most interesting characters of the male species this side of the Mason Dixie Line; I also test the boundaries of normality. As part of Rainy Friday Nite - let me relay one such story......
When I first arrived in Atlanta from Philly - I got a job working at one of the mail corresopndence school you see on TV. I taught HighSchool English. I loved that job, I have the personality to talk to folks all day on the phone anyway, lol It was so intersting hearing people's stories as to why they didn't graduate from High School etc. etc. You just sat in a little cubicle with all the books you needed and took calls all day from students who needed help etc. If only they didn't pay like $15 a week, lol (that was one of those if I didn't have Mini-me moments), well one day everyone was abuzz, apparently some dude had called that had a voice to DIE FOR, I was like hmmm - hope I get him one day. Well lo and behold, one day I answer the phone and heard a voice that made my panty elastic just start popping! Good Lawd! This man introduced himself as 'Officer Go-Go Music', who was working with under privledged youth in the DC area and he was checking up on someone. Something between us just clicked and against company rules we spoke for awhile. He began calling everyday requesting to be transferred to me. Well the ladies were up in arms about that shit. Eventually we exchanged personal phone numbers and would talk for HOURS. He played the drums in a local go-go band and could cook and was funny and witty and sexy and I could go on and on. I smile just thinking about it now. I was in a 'new' town and he just came along at the right time. He would send me money to pay for the off the chain phone bill and I would send him little gifts. There was one problem - I had no idea what this brotha looked like! Finally we exchanged pictures - he actually sent me (hold on to your horses) an expired ID card with his picture on it. I think I still have that card somewhere - - I was so hooked on this man - he would take his phone (this was early cell phone) to his concerts and I would listen to him play! and yes we had a very special and real sex life. He and I were on some serious ganja, lol. We would go to restaurants call each other and have 'dates' together. His friends knew about me and my friends knew about him - his roommate and I were very cool with one another. I remember one time - we both were like what the hell are we doing? and decided to stop calling one another. That lasted one week and then we were on the phone crying and making up.
We had never discussed actually meeting each other. I 'dated' this man for.....A YEAR!! I know you can go ahead and be like WTF?! It's expected. Just as smoothly as he entered my life - he began fading out, work hours changed for him, this fine fireman came to my new job one day (lol) and we drifted apart. The calls got less frequent until finally I looked up and they had just stopped.
A couple of years after that - I found his number and I just took a chance and called and his wonderful voice filled my head as I listened to his message. He called me back and I kid you not we both shed tears at the memory of our time together. We both were doing fine, he was seeing someone and I was seeing someone and it was just a chat with an old friend.
I'm a firm believer that each encounter we have has happen for a reason and to quote Mia from 'The Best Man' "It was what I wanted, it was what I needed and he was a gentleman, we shared something special that was as endearing as a forehead kiss"
I'm going and cut on the slow jams :) Good Nite!
Posted by Pamalicious ::
9:35 PM ::
Speak Your Piece