Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Sunset Monologue 90

Picking It Up Off The Floor

Blog Musical Mood: "Far Away" Kindred & the family soul


As I sat at my desk today, watching my carefully applied facade leak away, it dawned on me that if I don't take care of myself - I'm no good to anyone else. I wasn't feeling well, but I felt this pressure to perform and so there I sat until I said ENOUGH, I'm going home. I barely made it to the car before the tears started to fall. I'm not a cryer, so if I start to cry it is definately to release the toxins from my body. It becomes refreshing for me. Sometimes I have to break all the way down to build myself back up - kinda like a snake shedding it's skin. I looked back over the summer of my reality and it didn't exactly look like I wanted it to look. Couple that with I guess the tail end of some awful PMS and....

then the realization that 'mobetta' really tried to come and play with the band - we're at a pivitol part of this movie of ours. Your trumpet won't be sold..........I wish they had showed the other part of that story.....I need to know my lines, my script and what I am doing before I'm asked to 'save you'. Spike give me a call.

I stared in the mirror and chastised myself for taking myself there. I looked closely at my eyes - looking into my soul - forcing myself to count my blessings - cursing myself for all the mistakes I've made and my 'feelings' and 'morality' and 'Marvin Gaye Issues' that have messed up opportunities at relating in my life. I don't want to stop 'feeling' - if I do then I would have officially died. I can't separate myself from myself. I can't separate my coochie from my body, I can't detatch and become a part-time with a part-time soul available for some part-time pleasure.

I slept long and hard. no dreams, no thoughts - just rest. I tried to log into the alternate server a couple of times but it is down - God has told me to rest on that -it ain't going nowhere and I'm sure they got along just fine.

Expressing myself here is awesome - just me and my thoughts - no advice - no words of wisdom - no slinging other parts of that which is a complicated me in my face - just me and some cheap self-therapy, lol

There was a these type of feelings would be followed by a couple of personal ads. I would reach out to make sure I still got it. That won't be a part of the map this time - mainly because that's not where he is - If I went back today the SAME MEN are on the site - what does that tell you? Hey how you doing? You broke down enough? Ready to join the party? It's taken some time and some fine finessing of words, but I knew you would be back......for me to hit it. That's okay, that's okay.

What I am going to do is continue on doing what I am doing. Get my strut together and get my drag together and roll on into the winter with 'mini-me' - feeding my soul with the things I do have available to me right now; my writing, my reading, my blogging, my friends, my movies etc. Going to tell a bill collector or two they can wait and I'm going shopping and treat myself to a couple of outfits (which is not my method of self medication) - speaking of....


What I won't do is EAT THIS! Food is the perfect lover. Warm, tastey, engaging, intriguing, it listens, it is there at night, it curls up with you and scoops your booty while you're sleep it's the perfect date (it always knows what you wanna do), it includes you in all activities, it speaks to you openly and freely......I cancelled my date! Lose my Number!

Well as any parent can testify - time to suck it up because my mother duties are calling and they don't give a damn about any of this, lol

Reminder...if you dare!


Tonite at 10pm est on LOGO (the gay/lesbian channel) Noah's Arc premieres. The lives of Black Gay Men in dramedy form.



No More Drama

I don't usually post females up in this joint - but based on how I feel today - I wanted to post these pictures of Mary J. Blige. The Emergence of a Woman touched by love - It's a beautiful thang!!!




Posted by Pamalicious :: 5:03 PM :: 1 comments

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