ThE EmAnCiPaTiOn oF pAmMiE

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Sunset Monologue 96

Boredom Personafied

Blog Musical Mood: "Dance Little Sista" - Terrance Trent D'arby

I dug into my crates and found my "Hardline" CD. That Album is such a classic to me. I usually run this in tandem with Michelle N'degochello (I didn't misspell it as bad as I thought, lol) first CD. They go together like hot rolls and butter, lol.

Deep Deep Sigh - what a boring day! I didn't say it was a bad day, but it was hella boring. A lesser sane person would have freaked out, but I took it in stride. I have come to the conclusion that my life is a series of hills and valleys and to get to each of these spots there must be some flat road. I am peddling away on the open plains right now.

We finished the Parent/Child Book Comparative. It came out pretty well. Hopefully the creative will make up for the bullshit content.

I did alot of blog reading today. There are sooo many stories! I feel bad I can't read them all, but I did add some new ones to my collection. Take a moment to check these peeps out and I'll add them to my roll on the side:

Tim's Weblog, Chubby Chocolate, Getting Myself Together, Confessions of a Serial Dater, Pieces of my soul, Thoughts and Reflections of a Blackman In America, Round Midnight,Tales From The P,The Unconquerable Soul and Young, Black and Fabulous

You see how addicting this is?! How and where in the hell do I have time to read all these blogs daily, lol Yet I will, lol Because blogging has made me get in touch with my inner-nosiness like never before.

I saw Crash today and to be honest, it wasn't all that people had hyped it up to being. Maybe because I don't have blindfolds on when it comes to those kinds of things. I don't spend anytime trying to fool myself into thinking that I don't have prejudices or that everyone around me doesn't either. So it was not shocking, it was not mindblowing and it was not something that I am going to be thinking about tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder if it were a bad move to have people I know read my blog. Alot of these people I interact with daily and here they are reading all about me. Could I do a sex entry? Could I tell an explicit story about something and feel comfortable? You know there are those sides to me as well, lol.

Now it might not seem like it seeing as since the beginning of this blog February of this year I have had sex - ONCE!!!!!!!!!!! That's right ONCE!! Now I have dated...alot, but nothing has lead to sex. I sometimes wonder about the single sexing folks - is it that easy to get some? How come it's not easy for me? Is it my fault? Have I backed my own self into a corner because I think to much?

Earlier this week me and 'mobetta' were talking about our favorite subject - sex and recreational sex and booty partners. I just don't have the bandwidth or shall I say won't acquire the bandwidth to maintain such a coupling. In my minds eye (and of course this is just me) There is sooo much fakeness surrounding it. You call and we both have to summond up some fantasy or some fake feeling to say the right things and make the right noises to get to a point where your physical overpowers your mental. Then you have to play by all these stupid rules and you can't talk and you can't call and you can't snuggle and you can't - fuck all that! I'd rather just be by myself. The energy it takes to maintain a booty call (at least for me) is just not worth it. I shrivel up and freak out and then somewhere there is a man or two walking the earth - convinced I'm a toad, lol lol. When I'm really not. I just really have never been one to get off on genitals alone. Usually if my mind is having multiple orgasms - then the rest of me is and if I have to bring myself close to orgams before you even get there - then it's not going to last. Not to mention, I will freak out (I can be honest) and try to find something deeper which leads to the above statement about men walking around thinking I'm wack.

I did alot of dating this summer and didn't give up any ass. There were plenty who wanted it, but I was just not feeling it. I teeter between being a so-called women of the present and trying to do some actual 'relating' to a negro.

Here's something that might be odd - 'mobetta' knows about every man I've ever been with in detail. How and Why? I can't really explain because pretty much I need him visually to have been with just me and his ex-wife, lol. Yet he has this enormous ability to receive information alot of brothas ain't even trying to hear. Now yes I know that is part of his most powerful game and probably one of the reasons I'm somewhat still trapped in his web, but I find it interesting that I can say to him "I had sex with so and so and it was xyz and we xyz and I found it to be xyz" and he not blink.

Now I feel compelled to say - I still have appendages on my hands and feet that have not been counted when it comes to partners - so if I have 20 fingers and toes - you can do the math and kinda ascertain my overall (give or take a few) conquests, lol lol. I met my husband at 18 a virgin, I was with him for 10 years, I took about a year and half to mourn his death - I'm 39 now....Do I think I have missed anything that maybe my more 'worldly' sisterly counterparts have encountered? NOPE - the interesting thing about my sexual life is that each encounter has been a complete lesson in something or the other. The fact that I also had sooo much book knowledge and know myself soo well also helps. I am quite the cameleon and I like that. I am quite particular about my bedding choices - yet when I do engage; I gets my groove on. I like that about myself. Do NOT let the cover fool you, lol lol.

Hmmmmm - how did I end up on the topic of sex? Maybe because it crossed my mind today, lol. Well it is crossing my mind alot lately - it's been a minute. Especially since I really don't see myself getting any in the remainder that is 2005. Damn! Sometimes I get envious of the women who have learned how to disassociate themselves from their vaginas and have sex just for the sake of sex. That have figured out how to have multiple men to create them a 'Frankenstein' of sorts - a couple of men to make up their one dream man. That group of late 30 folks that can meet, greet, have a $12 dinner and whooo hoooo let's get to fucking; but seeing as everytime I have tried to 'recreate' my persona to possibly go down that road - it's been a disaster..(I am ashamed to say that I have even lied about an encounter to fit in - peer pressure for adults ain't THAT a bitch) I don't have to fall but once and scrape my knee to know that I might not be good at that. That sure doesn't mean that I couldn't use a good stiff one..........and I'd like a mint garnish with that, lol.

But you know what, I just have not (if I'm honest) met anyone that I have been attracted to, not physically or mentally in a minute as well. That's why I know that I've made the right decision (even if it is painful, lol) to back out the dating world as an aggressor (i.e. dating sites etc.) for now. Give it all time to refresh you know. Everone should have Plan A and Plan B but if you are now contemplating Plan C - then maybe you need to just sit this dance out. I was starting to go out with my C list and we all know - we prefer to stay in the A and B range.


So I've rambled enough - I just basically placed my fingers on the keyboard and let it flow and this is the direction it flowed in.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:45 PM :: 7 comments

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