ThE EmAnCiPaTiOn oF pAmMiE

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Sunshine Monologue 20

Let's Get This Party Started Right!

Whew what a Saturday! Sometime last week "Janet" and I said we needed to just go do something. We contacted two other Sistas we know and had made plans to go to Tennessee and just do the touristy thing. It was then that someone sent me an invite to the Crabbash. I had never even heard of this and it was the 8th Annual! So we talked about it and decided to go be with the people.

Now you all know how I feel about being with the people. I am very much in love with my people and whatnot and enjoy hanging with them. I love outdoor events, where we are together, laughing and just chillin. This was going to be great because the FOOD WAS INCLUDED in the price to get in - $10. I even read about it on one of the blogs I frequent Freakygoodman. I was like yea, he cutting edge, so I have to see what this about. I also was quite intrigued by the very prominent ADULTS ONLY!! So the only thing we had to come up with was booze, snacks and other picnic supplies.

It was on my side of town, so of course that made me even more excited. I travel alot out of my space to add my energy to others space. I quite enjoy it when I get the feeling back.

Totally hyped about our outing - we set off. As customary with black folks the 3:00 get there early notification was totally ignored and we slowly started dragging in. We found us a great spot on the lawn and rolled out our blanket and immediately settled in. I am always at home in these settings and I sit back and take a look all around me. Soaking it all in. There was not the 1500 people the website boasted, but there were enough people. We immediately introduced ourselves to 'K' and his partna (who's name is escaping me). Nice looking brothas - who had brought a cooler of beer and something we forgot - water. Now we came more than prepared with libation fit for queens, lol I started drinking almost immediately. Someone found the food and we all took turns going to get our plate. Sitting in the hot sun, eating,drinking, laughing and people watching.

Looking around, I came to a thought about something. As black people in our 30's, we have become overly conscious of the moniker 'ghetto' and sometimes try soo hard NOT to be ghetto that we don't have any fun. Too many sistas just sitting around looking at each other as if on display. Brothas having a wayyy better time.

Our blanket became a hot spot, because as our voices carried in the wind and the fact - we were (drumroll please) Approachable!!

We weren't even trying to mack - it was just about being comfortable and being us. We met some cool Brothas: We have 'B' who is suppose to be having some kinda party for one of his boys who comes in from somewhere and apparently deserves a party, lol If anyone knows where it's gonna be, because we were invited - let me know,lol

Then there was 'L'. 'L' was 6'6 - feeling nice and quite comical.
'L' stopped by many a time and we took pictures and just had a ball with 'L'. I sure hope he got home okay - he said he played for the Clippers - I have to go check out their roster, lol Glad there was no game today - cause Bro was out of it, lol

Also met Be Ellis the poet! That was hella cool, because I met him via internet thru my Philly Muse Mo. It is always interesting to pull someone out of emaildom and into the real world. Nice Chocolate Brotha with the gift of the written word, now I have to go see him :)

Now I had been getting my drink on. I wasn't driving, it was my side of town and a straight shot to get home - so I was enjoying myself. As I walked around and what not, I felt sooooo comfortable in my skin. I was sooo with me being 39, grown, sexy, sane, and just doing my thing. The freedom I have acquired in my mind - has been great and to me it shows. I was grooving and the cranberry and absolute was playing my tune.

Fast forward to 12:30am - I am in the bed - things are crawling on me - Jack Nicholson the actor portraying the Joker was in my bedroom telling me stuff. I couldn't sleep, I thought my eyes were open but they were closed, I remember vaguely coming in the house, I know I was ripped at the park and so my girls and I,noticing the lightening, began packing it up. Some friends from High School, actually came and joined our neck of the woods and they have more booze that I was drinking.

I know "Janet" got me in the house and we split up our belongings and I was pretending to be sane. I found my clothes right in the living room by the front door.

I remember speaking with 'brooklyn' and I called 'Italy' (what's up with HIM? He usually returns calls in 24 hours). I remember thinking about the fact that I wished despite my good time that I was with a man. I could have made us the romantic picnic basket and we could have chilled and then came home and made passionate love all nite - I would have only gotten enough buzz to put it on him and not be in the state I was in at that particular time which was just drunk.

Hangovers don't follow when I've had to much to drink, but a queasy stomach does. So today I have been eating bread (to soak up the brine) and chillin. Got some more sleep and been just kinda wandering around the house. Phone calls to a minimum, nothing else going on.

I had a great weekend (it was hot as three levels of hell, I have the cutest tan now,lol)!!

Dateless in Atlanta

Hmmmm, I am suddenly not so focused on the whole dateless thing - because I have been dating. Dating is about meeting people and experiencing situations to try to get to know them better. I've had some nice dates with some non-keepers. I am no longer being the one calling and expressing interest. IF a man is interested, he needs to make it known. Go ask an elder if in your pursuit of coochie - you've forgotten how to show true interest. 'Video Vibrations' like most satellite dishes - went out in the rain and never came back on.

Went out with 'Brooklyn' on Friday. Went to see Fantastic Four. Loved it! I love those kinda movies. It got bad reviews, but I liked it. He fixed the fuse in my car so now I have light. We ate at the IHOP where Reverend Leon Lonnie Love and his flock were also dining. We didn't want to get trapped in that service, so we finished and left. He lives out near "Janet" and since I'm out there always that's cool. A bit younger than me, but insanity I have learned is an equal opportunity employer, lol I first and foremost want SANITY, next PASSION. We enjoyed each others company - he's at some places in his life I've been and going in some places I probably don't want to go. But I put no expectations on anything anymore so we had a good time, I enjoyed his company and he's quite handomse, I believe he enjoyed my company...what else is there to say? You know second dates are fleeting in my life - so I make sure I enjoy the first one, lol

Reach out and touch somebody's hand

'Mobetta' and I are talking again. Yes I instigated this one, but it's of no consequences, because we are even in that respect. One thing I can say - the co-dependency we have for one another is equal, lol

He has been reaching out of his self-imposed cocoon to me and I am surprised that I even have anything to give. I think because the things that are troubling him are the very things that throw salt in my fantasy as to why we aren't together. All the things he says he wants to get to - are the things I need for him to be and the things he hurts me with the most because he can't.....or won't. I don't try to explain me and mobetta anymore because on the surface to an outsider looking in, I'm a fool - I've been told this in so many words. However, you have to walk the walk I'm walking to understand why his reststop is one I frequent and frankly vice versa.

I sometimes still think - I need to be with him - but I can't be where I'm not wanted and I choose to get in where I fit in, even if it's the tiniest hole available - I will at least get to stick my pinky in. Then I think about the fact that maybe we would feed off of each other, pick the bones clean and leave, lol lol He takes alot of work and I take my fair share - so what does that say.

My momma once told me that most women end up dealing with the same 1-3 brothas in a cycle that they have always dealt with.

I keep dealing with 'mobetta' and he keeps dealing with me for a reason. I wish I knew, I wish I really wanted to take the time to figure it out. I tried once, and every road led to some fantasy happiness - so I don't anymore. I just stop at the rest stop knowing that soon they are going to run out of essential and close - and then I'll just wait for the reststop to open again - I do find it interesting that just when I'm on "E" I see the rest stop off in the distance - - I wish I could just park and rest there.....forever.

You Go, I Go, LOGO

The premiere of the first all gay network LOGO (comcast channel 288) has peaked my interest. I have watched quite a bit of it. Nosy, Curious, whatever you want to call it. I look at it with the same viewing capacity I looked at BET and TV-One when they emerged as all black networks. I was/am particularly interested in the advertising dollars being spent and the way it would present itself. As we know BET decided to take all our worst, but a bow on it and roll it out and I wanted to see, if LOGO wss going to do the same. Would we have flaming, gum popping, lavender wearing shows that made the entire group look well well gay, lol lol Or could I as a straight person, come in and have my mind opened to something new?

So far and I have to agree with Entertainment Weekly - who have been keeping me up to date. I am enjoying some of the new programming, especially the documentaries. I know it all looks like a good time to the outsider looking in, but the struggle and battle has been a doosey. I do take offense to the notion that it has been equivalent with the black struggle in America - but I applaud the ability to mobilize in this day and age - seeing as alot of Black America are on pause.

What I do know is that 'the life' is no different than other subcultures. The same issues that keep me shaking my head over here in the hetro world, keep them shaking their heads.

Tonite, they are rolling out the first basically look at black gays with a movie called "The Ski Trip". I don't know why I'm nervous about it. I shouldn't be, doesn't have anything to do with me right? Wrong, the word Black is associated with it and though I have definite ideas from various angles (religiously and otherwise) about the happenstance of homosexuality - I don't want any part of 'us' misrepresented or made mockery of just for the benefit of being made mockery of. I have thru the world of blog - read some GREAT GREAT things by people, who are out here just trying to live and if they are going to have a channel that is going to represent an entire subculture, I don't want the 'black' to be misconstrued.

So it comes on at 10pm est. - if you are open to just exploring something different (and this will probably fall on deaf ears among my hetro men set, lol) check it out.

I'm waiting on some fabulous show by RuPaul - Can a sista get a concert or something?!

Showing some Love

Holiday-N - GOD BLESS YAH!!! Thanks! Thanks! and Thanks! A sista needed that!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:03 PM :: 4 comments

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