Thursday, May 19, 2005

Sunshine Monologue 10

The Battle Edition

Swell -vs- Swole

Sitting here pondering some things and it dawned on me that I pretty much am attracted to men I am calling "Swole" not necessarily physically, but in all that they do. Just over the top. Now don't get this confused with 'bad boys'; sometimes there is a crossover and fine line but basically the 'swole' brotha is the one with an abundance of personality, he's a free blackman in every sense of the word, he's always got two projects going and looking for a third, he's usually quite arrogant and basically represents the 'Saviour' complex I think I have, lol lol He is the one that sweeps me up, tosses me around and then (and here comes the bad part) I land flat on my ass!

Now the "Swell" brotha is the one I SHOULD be with. He's the brotha that likes to marinate. He has a great steady simple life and he likes it that way. His blood pressure is normal, lol He takes his time and cultivates relationships. He is unassuming but you look up and BAM he got you open, lol

Every blue moon I encounter a hybrid of sorts (which is ultimately what I would like to encounter) you know the brotha who is over the top YET he is about that extra step of peepin me out etc. He is able to take me on the 'ride' I so desperately need, but not kick me out the moving car in the process, lol lol

I really have been thinking on why am I attracted and I can say it's because (1) My Father was swole and kinda conditioned me to want to be with that kinda brotha and (2) it merges my fantasy and reality. I am such a complex personality, but I have to have something to feed upon. If you step to me as the 'swell' brotha then I am evaluating that on it's merits, if you step to me as the 'swole' brotha then I am usually hopping aboard that ride because it will leave you at the gate. Is this destructive? In the long run yes because I am also being something I might not be, but can't fanthom why I can't have it all.

I like 'swell' brothas I really do, this is who I should marry - the man who is about getting a house, having sunday dinner etc. etc. but I also want him to have a good dose of Plicious....let's go OR Plicious lets have some friends over OR Plicious lt's play hooky from work" It's like after awhile my heart beat slows down and I begin to drag if I don't have that boost of what the "swole" man brings to the table.

I know a "swell" brotha now and I had to stop myself from freaking out at the quietness of it all. I am determined to let it run it's course, because a slow boil sometimes is the best boil and history has shown me that 'swole' brothas though exciting are not in for the long haul and I can't keep proclaiming I want the long haul YET I exclude the very brotha who can give it to me.
Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:01 AM :: 0 comments

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