Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Sunset Monologue 34

It's Not Easy Being Green

At 38 (turning 39 in June) you would think that I'd be comfortable in my own skin, but sometimes....I'm not. I love me, I'm cool peeps, but to be quite honest sometimes I think I'm just not in the loop. It's like I'm standing around in a petticoat or something and the rest of the world is in Baby Phat and Sean John, lol

I have always carried my moral fiber around like a badge and there was a time where it was shined upon - I remember being the virgin popular girl in HS, Ms. ROTC, a Debutante - always rocking the finest of the fine on my arm and making a point that you can have fun and be popular and NOT be having sex. It was the times, lots of girls wern't having sex - it was the 'norm'.

Now at 38, I sometimes struggle with that. Not the not having sex part, but how to fit in in a world of non-commitment and casualness. How to interact with my peers and potential mates and not come across as fuddy-duddy, lame and corny. Sometimes even as adults, peer pressure (now disguised as media and society pressure) is alive and well.

Now I'm no saint and don't profess to be, but I do have an internal 'electric fence' you know the invisible ones that people put to keep their pets in line, lol I go as far as that fence will let me and then I get shocked. I can thank my parents for that one (they should rest assured they did a good job).

I sit in wonderment, even today listening to the women talk about this man and that man and this bootycall and that one and how their rent got paid and how He did such and such etc. Now I know good and damn well - I'm not trying to live my life like that - but they are having soo much fun, while I sit at home night after night convincing myself that my wit and my intelligence and the fact that I rock cute but not necessarily fine (by todays standards) is going to get me thru. My day is coming....HELLO I'M ALMOST 40!!!! Exactly, what's the hold up?!

Everytime I try to do the no attachment thing, I have some kinda 'issue', and I wonder about that, 'Mobetta' tells me "You're just not built like that, be you" Well ok, I'm not built like that - but sitting back here like Tara from Gone With The Wind" might not be the best way to be built either, lol I think of Bell Biv Devoe "Hip Hop smoothed Out on the R&B TiP" that's me, lol lol lol lol

I knew one day 'traditionalism' and 'oldfashionedness' was going to be replaced by the flash and glitter of........HELL and that HELL was made specifically to throw you off your path to HEAVEN. HELL is sooo alluring sometimes ya'll...so alluring when you sit around by yourself, with yourself to yourself.

THEN I think about Mini-Me and the fact that she adores me and looks up to me and is already forming strong images of how a woman should be from me, I'm shaping some of the way she's going to carry herself when she's out here in the world. Then I think of all the positive experiences I have had with men and women and how alot of people look up to me, for remaining true to myself even at great sacrifice and bouts of lonliness. Brothas like 'mobetta' and 'italy' finest of the fine, knowing what a firecracker I truly am, because THEY were really the ones true to the game and peeped what a gem I am.

Someone said I looked old today and someone else thought I looked a bit old fashioned and it kinda shook my ego for a minute - so I had to regroup and go to the place where I list all the reasons why I'm ME and I always end with paraphrasing Celie from "The Color Purple" I may be fat, I may not be a video hoochie, my shorts may not be one inch from my crotch but I'm HERE GOD!!!!

It ain't easy being green!
Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:41 PM :: 1 comments

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