Sunday, May 28, 2006

Sunset Monologue 188



What you see is not a test.....Yea right! How are you all this evening. Everyone
must be enjoying the weekend/holiday. The net is DEAD! I haven't been on much myself today so I understand. I'm glad to see that folks still know how to live outside this little box.

I decided to do my BBq'ing this morning - so that I could chill tomorrow. Woke up early full of invigoration about the whole process. CAUN was up as well and this is the craziest thing - we hang around each other constantly, but today is the day I had to deal with some of my issues all over...the BBQ!!

I started freaking out. I was so agitated as he tried to help me. I was in full 'Stormeka' and then to top it off - I was fustrated because in all honesty, I couldn't identify exactly why I was feeling this way. It was as if he were encroaching on some sacred space - the BBQ. Of course he noticed it and he took it, but I wanted to work through it within myself - by expressing it to him. I was ashamed that I was lashing out and didn't even know why - so I began to try to verbalize it. He beat me to it however and very calmly - explained to me that I was used to the man who came over AFTER if AT ALL, I had done everything. He always had family, stops, things to do and came over when I had done all the work and he could reap the benefits. I was used to men in general who reaped the benefits and were not committed to doing anything to get it to that point. He was not going anywhere and he wanted to be involved in every aspect towards the goal and not just come around for the reward. What painful words to hear. I had to get away, so I hopped in the car to take a ride to the store. I screamed on that ride - releasing the pent up fustration that I, Pamalicious, Pretty steady sista - had some.....BAGGAGE! I mean I know I am not exempt from baggage, but the manifestation of some contents of it can be unnerving.

For someone to even 'read me' on that level, was unjarring. I've been read before but not for MY benefit, always as a way for someone to access, how much they could expect to get. I resolved to push through the issue, decompress the power the issue could take on - which would have been that I could shut him out and take control. IT IS SO DAMN HARD AS A BLACK WOMAN TO GIVE POWER TO SOMEONE ELSE!!! We be so tired, but it is still hard to say 'ok - he's not going to.....hurt me'.

So when I got back - there he was in his wife beater and shorts ready to open my car door, take my bags and.....help me. I stuffed my IKE (what?! you trying to help Ike) back in that damn bag and handed him the reigns. He cooked the hotdogs, chicken and steak and I did the lamb ribs. I also did the Kale, potato salad, baked beans and whipped up a cheesecake.

We had a wonderful day and I feel good that I did not let an issue take over me. It - hell - ya'll really don't understand.......CAUN is a beautiful beautiful person and he's forcing me to shift alot of cabinet space around in my head, heart and life, but that's a good thing - alot of us (sistas) never get that chance and we can't figure out or won't figure out how to, as much as we have been running around exclaiming we are, EXHALE. It's hard and it hurts your chest - but it can be done and dammit - I'm going to do it, because I be damn if I'm going to choke me....or him.
Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:36 PM :: 0 comments

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