Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Sunset Monologue 146

Channeling Maury Povich

Blog Musical Mood: If I Were A Bell - Teena Marie


Ok, so I said that I had an interesting postscript to the My Daddy Entry. You know it wouldn't (1) be life or (2) be blog worthy or (3) be the life of Pam, if the story didn't have something dramatic attached to it.....

I was minding my own business, living my life when at 35 years of age, I found out that the man who raised me, gave me my foundation and loved me till his heart bled - was NOT THE FATHER!!!! That's right people - it seems as if I were a classic FIRST TIME HAVING SEX WITH THE HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND ON SR. PROM NIGHT BABY! So I'm living proof it takes ONE TIME!

Now the crazy thing about this is that I literally was the only one that didn't know. EVERYONE including all my siblings etc. knew this...but me. I tell you, I have no idea where the hell I've been all these years. Apparently, my biological father was alive and kicking all this time. When the truth came out it took a couple of minutes for it to all register. Then things started happening quickly - I got an email from an Aunt and then a call from....a sister. I have two additional sisters. My youngest one was soo excited. She spilled out that she had actually written Maury looking for me and that she had been searching for me for years on her own, behind our fathers back. Then she told me she always was told she had an older sister and that at family reunion pictures there would be an empty chair representing...ME! Now all of this was a bit overwelming. My head was spinning.

Then I finally talked to....him. Ever had a small feeling somewhere that something just ain't right, but you can't quite put your finger on it. For alot of my life, it kinda 'bugged' me that I just wasn't like my two immediate siblings (ok my pops had 12 kids, my mom had 3 and it's this immediate family I refer to in my blogs - not the rest). I just acted so different, had a different attitude about things, had this creative side they lacked, had this peaceful side they couldn't find, had this spacey - fantasy - moral overdrive they didn't possess. I just figured it was genes - well when this man got on the phone - such a powerful feeling of peace befell me - no lie - I got woozy and almost fainted on the phone. It was as if this blankness in my life that I couldn't identify filled. He was JUST LIKE ME, lol. He was also polar opposite to my parents. He had dreds down to his waist, never really held a real job, kinda drifted doing poetry, planning drums etc. is very metaphysical, spiritual, calm. It was amazing.

Now as a show (well to me at least) of the very inner core of who I am as a person - and I am being very truthful - I took this whole situation with a grain of salt. No angry accusations, no therapy needed, no freakouts, no nothing. I've heard both sides of the story and it was between my parents and I am leaving it at that. I can't spend any time 'upset or hating or blaming' my parents or him for his inactivity in my life. Now of course, my eyebrow raised at the sheer notion that basically a conspiracy took place my whole life - but my life was and is not a lie. I didn't 'miss' anything or feel as if I were 'deprived' much.

I met my biological father for the first time July 04. I look like him (well I look like my daddy too, lol). I didn't necessarily know how to act so I just let him hold me for as long as he needed to in order to be able to fill that 'void' that had been in his life all these years. The last time he saw me in person I was three years old. Now he produced pictures of me all the way up until 2004 as well as pictures of my daughter etc. etc. I will also admit that is the thing that kinda pissed me off - I didn't like the fact someone out here knew about me and I had no idea about them. I was quite excited to find out I had the sisters and all these cousins and folks that were waiting to meet me. He gave me pictures of him and I - he had the bracelet I wore in the hospital. Pictures of him, me and my mother etc. These were all precious to me.

It is now 2006 - where do we stand? Well I know him and where he is and likewise with him. We speak on holidays and birthdays etc. and I try to write him, but I have yet to go to the 'hometown' and meet everyone else. I talk to my sista maybe once a month but the one right under me - wants nothing to do with me - seems she always felt she was competing with a 'ghost' and now that I've been 'found' - she is uneasy with that - I give her that option and respect her wishes. I feel SO BLESSED, to have had my daddy and in his absence, my Father. I call him by his first name and to be honest - I don't have the kind of connection that I had with my daddy - but I feel WHOLE and I feel COMPLETE and I feel SOLID out here in the world because...that nagging feeling is gone.
Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:59 PM :: 1 comments

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