Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Sunshine Monologue 186

Rain On Me

Blog Musical Mood: Inseparable - Will Downing

"You have a man now - I got/you got" The money sat on the table. It represented roughly 50% of the second job. Now if you got a million then 50% isn't so bad, but if you got a dollar, then 50% means something significant. And in my world it was a defining moment. Ever caught a movie sequence where a person life flashes before them and beams out from their body? I listened intently as he quietly explained to me the who, what, when and why's of his gesture. However, my mind was sparking and racing all over the place.

Sometimes when we take a journey - we want the past steps on that journey to disappear. Some things, mind you, need to - but alot of our journey is forever just below the surface for us to go over, use accordingly etc. Relationships, unfortunately are one of those things. Not just your romantic laisions but all of them - our interaction with other humans is a pivital aspect of our make-up in my opinion and that's why they never really fade away. You have a decision to make, you can either spend your life's journey throwing your past into boxes, bags and closets and exerting unnecessary energy pretending that at each striking of 12:01am the previous day didn't exist, or you can find you a spot and catalogue, scrapbook and file your past and feel secure enough to pull out a chapter sometimes.

As I sat there - the drawer marked 'Love Journey's' flew open and a strong wind tossed those memories right up in my face. Except something was different - the words smeared on those pages cleared up and I had an epiphany...........I had never really had a man before. I've had dating, I've had marriage (!!), but I haven't really had a man.....before.......today. I know, I know - you think the prime grade A 100% fine specimen of NIGRESS in me, wants to start ripping to shreds all of my past relationships and their shortcomings, but to do that would be crack my own self across the skull exposing the white meat. However, the truth is the truth. I've had lovers of my flesh, I've had lovers of my personality, I've had lovers of what I could give - but I've never had a straight up, no afraid, not ashamed, not conflicted, open lover of...ME. I should curl up in the shower naked and let scalding hot water beat down on me at that realization - but instead I feel good! I feel good that the little bits and pieces of goodness that I find in all Brothers all put together equals LA's Finest Right SOCK, lol Because the rest of the outfit of Love this Brother wears and it's custom tailored and it looks good on....ME!

I wanted to get angry, I wanted to lash out, I wanted to call up and ask every Ex - what was it that made them afraid, but I've acknowledged my own fear, and that's enough. We are who we are and we are where we were during each encounter with each man. I am now HERE and the journey has taken on new forms and shapes and I'm now spinning in my cocoon closer to my emergence on June 4th -

So it's raining on me - the paper with the time I was bleeding internally for 15 days and couldn't find or reach my 'man' is soaked, the post it note with the time my 'man' called me a fat bitch in front of my daughter is all gummy, the notebook paper with my 'man' explaining that I wasn't really fly enough to be on the arm of a record producer is soaked - I throw my arms out to receive the rain and then strong arms encircle me and pull me under the shelter - they wrap a warm towel around me and hand me some hot chocolate....."You Got A Man Now...It's Okay....It's Okay"
Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:02 AM :: 5 comments

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