Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Sunset Monologue 150

Whoa Nelly!

Blog Muscial Mood: Lady Marmalade - Labelle

Of course I'll be singing that all night and tomorrow after watching 'American Idol' (no link ya'll know how to get there, lol). What's up peeps? I have been royally bloglazy to tell the truth. Just haven't been able to focus and write and now more than ever is NOT the time to not be able to...write.

• What The Hell Have I Gotten Myself Into?! I started class today and already I need to withdraw, lol. After I printed out the handy dandy 48 page welcome to HellPsyc 199 - I immediately realized that I need to hook back up my auxillary printer. I have my good one for photos etc. and I have a black and white one - well I need to be printing off that bad boy! I printed out over 75 pages today! I also need to make sure I have my school bookmarked at...work.
  
  I chuckled that I had two assignments required TODAY (which I completed), I am graded on my participation on the discussion boards, I have a three page paper due next week, and I have to read three chapters by Thursday with a test on Sunday! DAYUM!



• I need to reconfigure some activities to take place during the daytime to free up my nights for schools



• Why is it that the best conversation you've had in awhile - belongs to a man who is soo busy nothing can really jump off between you two - yet you are intrigued. What irony - which I think is reserved...just for me.



• Why are there instances where you begin to feel like there is only going to be rejection and you would rather spare yourself the 'feeling' - so you push away, even if you are intrigued?



• A Very intriguing 'highschool' research question was posed today: what's your daily battle? (take some time bloggers and answer this question at your leisure?) It's so Bobby Brown Jr.ish, lol. I gave it some thought and came up with two plausible things in my life:
  
  The Orgasmic Pleasure involved with....eating. I am quite disqusted with the fact that I don't have the metabolism to be able to eat the foods that are good. I struggle daily with my real strong desire to get it under control but my very weak resolve to actually do it.
  
  How do you be Black, Southern, Traditional and like to cook and then be cursed with not being able to enjoy it?
  
  AND
  
  My disappointment with the state of male/female relationships and where I fit into the picture. I think to much, I expect more than what apparently is the accepted norm and thus I get fustrated. I don't know how to not look at relating as something important and relevant etc. and just look at it as a fun nut - therefore and thereby - I continue to seek out men who would like to build vertically and not just horizontally. I am now just enjoying having non-sexual friends - because my psychosis about allowing my body to be used up has reached all new highs, lol
  
  As well as - when I have decided to 'join the bandwagon' 100% of the time - it's all a trick and men still very much judge women on that type of thing - regardless of what they telling you....so finding that balance and then finding the motivation to even move on it - sometimes is a 'struggle'.
  
  I really took a moment to chew on this, and no I'm not about to begin my 'spill' - this year I am about 'acceptance' of who I am. It made me think of something else actually....



• I was examing 'lust' in the car on the way home this afternoon and how unfilling I have found it to be. I find much better pleasure in 'desire'. I confirmed this with 'bad decision' because after all that time - I wasn't fulfilled because I didn't desire him - I was just 'lusting'. It was so incredibly empty in that the touch was not 'for me' it was just 'to me' the interaction was not 'about me' it was 'to me'. My touch was stilted and unreal to me because there was nothing that I 'desired'. My body did not even respond accordingly, because I had nothing to feed off of. There was no time for me to let 'him' marinate in the recesses of my mind - for those thoughts to trickle down my spine and settle in my loins. I so like that feeling, where I wake up throbbing because something a man has said, or some interaction we've had has brought forth a thought of how potent, strong and virile his mascuinity is - and how much I want to allow him to prove it to me. It sounds so childish now in hindsight to say 'ooo he fine, I want some of that'. Want some of what? I want a clear definition of 'what' and 'what' it is and the feeling of mutual desire from a man. I want him to have to control himself, to be lit on fire about me thus when he gives of himself to me - it's about....me. I refuse to be a vagina with extremeties - so I guess I should prepare for the longest drought of my life.....



• The Bad Decision example above is a classic way women adjust their 'counts' because due to unfulfillment I can just make his ass magically disappear - however - I'm counting him because regardless to how I want it to go away - it happen - thus he's on the count - dammit! Which is proof positive that I need to stick to WHO I AM, even if it leaves me high and dry - because he's just ONE - what about the sista that rationalize that and tries it again with the next man and the next man and you look up and 100 dicks you have sucked - - at what expense - - I ask?



• Sometimes I feel like I don't care if I never have another man - I'm not even motivated to let him unravel his bullshit and then I beat my own ass, lol Because I do care and as long as I have my own 'turds' I certainly can put up with his.



• Have I been having very powerful straight conversation on behalf of the sisterhood with a select group of brothers who have presented their over 35 manhood as being a penis with legs? Yes I have, I have no shame and no feelings about a man moving on to the next woman - it doesn't even require a soap box - all I need is the right ear to hear and He and I will do just fine

ATTENTION: I may have to do every other day until I get this whole school thing down. I am still reading you all and I am quite confident this class will give me plenty of blog fodder, lol.
Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:37 PM :: 2 comments

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