Sunday, September 18, 2005

Sunshine Monologue 41

Fall(ing)

What a lovely Sunday. No rain since Katrina spun thru, just cool mornings and comfortable afternoons. A perfect day to just sit around in your 'casual' clothes. As a precursor to fall - I pulled out the crock pot and made me some oxtail soup. YUMMY!! Did a bit of writing in my Diary and caught up on some TV. I am so glad it has reappeared in my life - it certainly is something that I welcome and I look forward to snuggling up all winter with it. It makes me laugh, it can get me emotional and show me unconditional love - It can even (if I pick the right channel) satisfy me sexually - now THAT's something you don't want to get rid of and it's alot more reliable than that other thing called a human, lol.

PoliDICKS

"We have different politics", and with that said, 'NY Transplant' DUMPED ME! Yep, a sista got dumped before it even got off the ground - we never even MET face to face. I can't even say it any other kinda way and I'm woman enough to admit that.

If you are a frequent reader at my spot, you know that I took a self-imposed fast from the land of the men. I have been chillin and just doing my thang. Well, this Brotha comes out the blue and I was considering coming out of retirement, since this was not driven by me.

Well as luck would have it - no need to - the transplant failed.

Three weeks of conversation, promises of dates that never transpired and then the above sentence. I saw it coming, the 'tone' changed and so it was only a matter of days. The questions became more focused, more probing into my make up etc. until it all came to a head.

Let's look at a quick definition of POLITICS: the art or science concerned with winning and holding control; the total complex of relations between people living in society; activities characterized by artful and often dishonest practices

I've relabeled it what it really is though - POLIDICKS - because ultimately this is what was different - when I took control of my sex and said I was not just giving it away all willy nilly - we stood on opposite sides of the fence from that point on. My resistance to talking explicitly and to planning beyond a day, obviously put a monkey wrench in his plans and it got the best of him.

Now on the up and up my POLITICS are different than alot of people. I am pro-black, afrocentric, intellectual as well as intelligent, downhome, bougisghetto and some other stuff thrown in the pot. I don't wave flags or pledge alligence or trust Keeblers. I also am Muslim (Nation of Islam to be exact) and I live in the Bible Belt. So no, I'm not necessarily typical but I'm not odd either. I know ALOT of people who carry themselves like me some more to the right than others, all the men I've cruised into some sort of relationship with, pretty much possessed some of the same things I did - which was an attraction.

I don't walk around for a second thinking that a Grown Man is going to change for me or adopt all of my principals and I don't expect him to think that of me either - compromise is something that is a part of any relationship I get involved in on BOTH our parts, even if I were to date a man who was identical to me, lol We been out here molding ourselves for many a year now and the only way to really find out if we click is to spend time together - sometimes you are taken off guard.

Apparently, however, he must have been running out of time or something - so that was unacceptable. I didn't fight it - why? I'm glad it happened now, instead of after lots of babysitting money, and anymore time and energy.

What made this unique to me was that in the midst of all of this - he let me know "You are a beautiful woman, intelligent, I love the way you laugh' I don't remember the rest because I was in an instant state of shock at the audacity to compliment me and then end it with "but you talk to loud and you curse and to be almost 40 listening to 'whoop that trick' seems not good - seems as if you can't decide who you are?"

At first I was going to go off, but I paused, because to go off would further fill his ego and imagination with visions of him being perfect at his attempt at 'game' - I couldn't give him that, lol So I just let him know that I really don't think it's appropriate for us to have a debriefling, since we never even met or were in a relationship.

Then the phone calls started "why do I feel bad about this?" "does this happen to you often?" "so we're not having sex" - I did reply to this one, since I don't do pity screws. I saw a man who had put his foot so far up his ass, that he was tasting leather and on top of that about to fall on a stake in the ground. I told him to not belabor the point and move on - I wish him the very best in his life and I have no issues about shaping up the resume he sent me and constructing him a new cover letter OR emailing some things out for him on my time. Because I'm gonna be blessed - I think I do know who I am - just that he wasn't willing to take the chance - his blow not mine.

Now we all know about my friend 'Red Flag Man' - well he was already pissed about having to come back from his Villa on the French Riveria to police this thing to begin wtih. He would sit and just wave yellow flags tauntingly in my face and then as he boarded his yacht to go back to vacationing - he was mad cause he didn't even get a chance to toss out any red flags, lol So tempermental - he stabbed me with one just out of spite before his boat left the dock.

So I wasn't upset - as a matter of fact he said I didn't have any emotion about it at all - and I actually didn't. Why? to give it energy would just end up hurting me, he's back out in the street looking for two dates and I'm sexing Shamika..and I'm just fine. I like the fact I'm fine. I like the fact that didn't rock my boat, I like the fact I got peace in my life, I like the fact it was just a reminder - just a reminder. I came into it pure and am leaving the same way.

I love that winter is coming - all this crisp air is good for my soul.

Sending Up The Bat Signal



Where are you?
Why must you hide?
I'm so disappointed you won't show your face.
You've sent parts of you to me, to remind me that you exist - but where is all of you.
Do I have on the wrong outfit?
Do I need to change my contacts, because I can't see you -
Sometimes you send a messenger with words of encouragement, a little bit longer and you're on your way.
I have been waiting and waiting but my heart is getting smaller and smaller
It needs your light to grow again - to beat new blood - to produce that glow
I'm wilting because your sunshine is being blocked
Please come and make it alright......alright.

Baby Daddy of the Week


Posted by Pamalicious :: 2:20 PM :: 1 comments

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