Thursday, August 18, 2005

Sunset Monologue 69

A Productive Morning Drive

I gotta get me an alarm clock. I've never been one to want to wake up like that and I haven't used one in years - but two things are going to make it a neccessity (1) I'm not as young and spry as I used to be, meaning I need my sleep (2) I don't get said sleep because I wake up looking at the clock; so I need to take care of that. I wonder do they have something gentle?

I cruised in this morning listening to Chante Moore's First CD! I don't know what was up with all her subsequent ones, but this one is a classic, every song on their is my JAM! Nice soothing music for the morning commute. It also opened up my head a bit so that I could get some fragments solidified and put it out here for you all to let marinate - so let me get started.

Chemistry


On the way to work this morning, I was thinking about what exactly was missing with the dating I did this summer. It dawned on me...CHEMISTRY. You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and get all tingly. Their energy sets you aflame. I have not felt any of that in awhile. Not since "Italy", to be honest. I know when I feel it because I actually have shall we say a 'physical' reaction to the person on the spot. I only get this reaction with that and when I first take a drink, lol lol Because it's so strong with me - I term it the BOOM BAM POW! Now don't get me wrong, I have met some nice people and what not - just no BOOM BAM POW! That's why it's just been so-so to me and making this 'haitus' not difficult at all. I like personal excitement. A person who is throwing it back at me like I'm throwing it at them. If you don't have it..I shut down and I think in alot of instances, I have just shut down. Hmmm, this leads me to another thing - I dealt with in a very productive morning drive.

"What Are You Looking For?


That one question can cancel out a potential in the drop of a hat. My initial response has been morphed to 'I'm looking for who is looking for me' - that stands on it's own merit. I thought about something else, fear sometimes keeps me and other women from really laying out what it is we are looking for? The word looking has been manipulated by people to be a negative connotation; "I'm not looking" "If you are looking you won't find" blah blah blah, some brothas take that word and make it out to be the kiss of death. What IS the kiss of death is not having the courage to say what it is you are looking for? Why would a person have fear? How about the reality that what you are looking for might leave you alone? How about if what you are looking for is not the current want of the majority? How about you don't want to scare a man off before he even sits down? All reasons to make sure you have a clever response to that question. As well as, don't get me started on the personal ad entries, lol lol 85% J-O-K-E (there are some sincere people out there on the net).

Part of my journey to 40 (remember this is what this blog is all about, lol, is to really work on my fears and to work on that 'living your life for others' and 'it's okay to receive without giving'. Those two things have stunted alot of my growth over the years. So that's why as I began this 'haitus' from dating (because it's not one from men, I'm just in the passenger seat instead of the driver and so far I'm sitting in the hot sun, waiting, lol), I want to stick to my real 'what I am looking for and that is:

I want to meet a man that is seriously open to the possibility of a serious relationship, not "I'm looking for friends" not "Looking to Casually Date" not "Seeking Intimate Pleasures". I'm looking for a man who has the capablility, maturity and whereforall, to approach a woman in this manner.

Now any SANE person knows that this is not something that happens overnite, and I'm not saying that one date and we a 'couple' but you can tell by the conversation if someone is really trying to get to know you - have that conversation and if I'm not (or I determine you're not) fitting that picture - then let's move on. I'm slowing it wayy down old school style. I've already talked about how I'm not driving to kingdom come and sitting up in your living room, or how I'm not making any phone calls unless I'm returning one, so I'm also going to be LISTENING and if I get the impression you operate your life on 'casual' then I'm not for you.

Saying this is setting myself up for the long haul because as we know, that's not really popular right now and couple that with the whole attraction and chemistry thing and I think it might be a lonnng winter, lol but at some point we as women have to start standing up and saying "I want a MAN, not a BOY, not a live Mastubation Aid, not a vampire" I want a MAN!

Just like when we stood up and said "I'm about to get my whore on" Men adapted, if we stood up and said something similiar to that - guess what? they will adapt again.
Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:35 PM :: 0 comments

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