ThE EmAnCiPaTiOn oF pAmMiE

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Sunset Monologue 61

Music Makes You Loose Control



All weekend I have been having music in my head and in my heart. Little ditties that I have enjoyed for a lifetime as well as new ones that strike my fancy. Filling out that 10 songs I'm digging now, certainly put that into overdrive and I just started thinking about music and the 'soundtracks' of our lives. I mean it's one of the few things that can chart our existence out here, lol. We know what music surrounds all the highs and lows of our life. I know that SPARKLE by Cameo was my song, when I was in love with KL from High School, lol lol. So I thought that I would devote this evenings post to "Music and Me" Come Take this journey with me.

How it all began



I sat watching Soul Train with my family. The Jackson Five were to perform. I wasn't quite sure what all the fuss was about, afterall I was what six, seven years old. Then they came out and began singing. My young heart began beating so fast, I thought I was going to pass out! I looked into those almond eyes staring back at me in those quite colorful clothes and when he said "Come here Girl I think I love yah! Show me what you can do" I got to shaking my little Muslim Hips, cause I just KNEW he was talking to me - this can't possibly be what love is all about - but it was and I had begun my first love affair --- with Michael Jackson. I still have that 45, my mom bought me - I'll never get rid of it.

The Longest most consistent and most satisfying love affair of my life



Well I could do a whole blog about this subject, but I won't and I swear I will keep this short and to the point. Michael Jackson, His Brothers and Sisters for that matter have been thru my entire life with me. I don't necessarily identify with the 'typical' fan because it's about the music for me. I can recognize that Mike has some issues etc. but his music DOESN'T, and that's what I focus on now as an adult; but let's go back to when I was into the MAN, lol. I think he is responsible for the 'romantic dellusions' I have today, lol My entire room as a teenager, was covered with pictures of him. I had diaries devoted to him, letters I wrote weekly, the record player with his face on it and an undying passion to be his wife,lol.

Part of my popularity in late elementary school and early High School was the FIVE VOLUME fairytale that I had written chronicling our life from him meeting me at 16 to us celebrating our 25 wedding anniversary and everything in between. I would hold 'readings' such as they do today, where girls and guys would gather while I read aloud all of our exploits. Five - five subject composition books full of our life, oh and by the time I hit 12, our passionate sex, lol lol I was a PIONEER in EROTIC WRITING, lol lol

When 'Destiny' came out the album cover was a fold out. Mike was at one end and Randy was at the other. I learned about kissing from that album cover. My girlfriend and I would put that record on and as we sat and listened we would 'make out' with them. She was into Randy because I didn't associate with anyone that was into Mike, lol lol I have that cover still and their lips are kissed off, lol

There was a song for EVERYTHING that was ever going on in my life, lol lol As my young adult angst went to an all time high - HE was there, (shit he's STILL there). No matter who I was in love with that week (lol) Mike was the one who could sing about it and make me feel good or better. Parent problems, eventually He covered that for me as well, job issues - He got that covered, stupid negro issues - He always has that covered, Orgasmic heights of bliss, he got that too.

When I see him perform, even in his current 'condition' a few things happen. I get extremely hot and have to take my clothes off and I get woozy. This is no lie, ask Mini-me, lol. When the CBS special came out, I stripped and got right in front of the TV and passed out. You might even be able to ask "Janet" about that. I can cut that special on today and I'll sit there and swear it won't get to me and it does, lol

So now I'm 39, a grown woman, with a few miles of yardage on my heart, but still Mike does and will always be the 'soundtrack of MY Life' and I wanted to first before I go into other music, I've had affairs with - speak about my MAN.


Getting my Freaky Deaky On

I was relatively a time bond waiting to explode on the whole sexuality tip. I had such an innocent relationship with Mike. All bubblegum and puppy dogs. Then one day a short, afroed, man came strollin in, He wore 4 inch heels and played a guitar and wanted to know if I was "Soft and Wet" - Well I looked him dead in the eye (literally) and was like HELL YEA! and thus began my back alley love affair with PRINCE.
All of the wires in my loins got connected and set afire as this man took me on a ride I will never forget. Him and his orgy pals (Vanity 6, The Time, Andre' Cymone etc.) Had me on overdrive. He wanted to do so much to me and I let him, from "Jack u off" to "International Lover" to "Beautiful Ones" I was his hooker baby! Drippin wet pictures of him hid behind the clothes in my closet, low low volume as he took me there time and time again.

I was 15, just got home from school - cut the radio on and they said 103'rd caller, call in. I picked up the phone and suddenly I was on the radio and they were telling me I had won. I was like "what did I win" and they said "Two tickets to see Prince at the Fox the midnite show" KLUNK! that was me passing out on the floor. I wanted to go with a 'date' my first 'date' but Moms wasn't having that, so after she donned a purple feather in her head (don't ask) we went to see Prince. I will FOREVER remember him writhing around in that bed on stage, his sexuality was just so raw - way to raw.....for my momma, lol lol

I am still prone to go off on a binge with him when he's hitting the notes I want to hear. You know you never forget your first sexual partner - and I haven't. He still makes music for my loins.

Somewhere There's A Love Just For Me

I have been a 'romantic' for as long as I can remember. The notion of love and men etc. has just been something I have always wanted. I remember the very first crush I had, his name was....'MC' and He sat next to me at JC Harris elementary school, I was NINE. I LOVED that boy, lol I say that to say that crooners have always been in the forefront of my musical landscape.


Shalamar: I have ALL of their Records in all their incarnations. Jeffrey Daniels, was definately on my 'to do' list, lol They would always have like one or two slow jams on the album and I would just play them over and over. I have followed Howard Hewitt throughout his career as well as Jody Watley (check her site out, and her new remix!)

Debarge: Shaped who I wanted to marry, lol Ahhh gotta love when Light Skinned was in!! El and James were both on my 'to do' list followed much later in life by their edgy brotha "Chico"

Today, I am still very much into 'slow jams' when I hear "Yes Indeed" by Tina Maria, it breaks my HEART! Phyllis Hyman "Living All Alone", Stephfanie Mills "Comfort of a Man".....all songs that touch the inner me.



I came to the conclusion that in a woman's life we have three cycles: Want a Man, Got A Man and Lost A Man. I made a three part CD collection, that musically - takes us on this journey. Still a favorite in my CD player.

Releasing my Inner Becky

At one point, I left my home and went to the other side of the tracks. I was doing the swirl bad. The Only person I associated with from my homeland was Mike, other than that - I was imersed and engulfed in this new world. Jackets filled with buttons of Culture Club, Billy Idol, Cindi Lauper, Madonna, let the world know that I was now batting for the otherside. There were darker sides to this life as well Motley Crue, Twisted Sister, Poison - pseudo dealings with the devil I took glee in. Then there was confusing identity crisis with Duran Duran. I still get dressed and go to some favorite haunts that I enjoyed, have a beer and do the white girl dance with the best of em.

I Used to Love H.E.R.



Today I got to thinking about Hip Hop and when I met 'her' and if she's had any influence on me. I grew up in Atlanta in a world that was black - I rarely interacted with the rest of the world. Black hoods, black people, black schools. Uptopia in a manner of speaking. I have memories of 'her' in passing - we met but it was nothing that made me want to meet 'her' again. The Sugar Hill Gang was catchy but it was seen more as this quirky 'song' that came from some place called New York. At least to my friends. My girlfriends and I couldn't figure out why? NOBODY was cute! She was that girl that stood on the wall and maybe one person asked her to dance..but Mike, Prince, El Debarge were the frivolities of choice.

Then I met my math teacher. He was from 'up north' as we liked to say and one day while we were acting a plum fool - he brought out a cassette player and popped in this tape and "She" came out sat down in front of the class and commanded our attention - 'she' had brought Grand Master Flash and they were telling us they were 'close to the edge'. We looked around at our trees and grass and southern charm and were blown away. Where is this place of urban decay and what is this form of talk/singing? 'She' had passed out party favors and alot of us kept them on our dresser - in sight but not touched.

I moved to Philadelphia and when I stepped out the car and my $10.00 sneakers hit that concrete I was....appalled. So this is urban squalor. Where are the trees, what is this 'accent', how come the homes are...connected?! I just couldn't get it. Then one day up in my older brothers room (and excuse if my chronological order is out of wack) he pulled out an LP and these three guys were on the front with these funny hats and huge glasses. He told us this was RUN DMC and listen to this. When he put the needle to that piece of plastic - 'She' was Carrie at the prom! We sat mesmerized by this music...but unlike Carrie 'she' won prom queen and went on to graduate w/honors.

So many memories of the beginning of the commercialization of rap. We were like the stepford kids - this music was making us act strange, we were moving with jerky movements and the music replaced our former passtime..the television. The first time we heard "Eric B for president" and then.....Public Enemy. We would sit in my brothers little car and I mean little; 2 doors put 5-6 of us in that car as he blasted this music and our heads bobbed in unison. For a voracious reader like myself - this was prose put to music and I could get with that. Hours and Hours on end we were instrumental in making Def Jam rich.

I moved to New York in 1989 - so I lived in the mecca and took part in the pilgrimage! My husband grew up in New York and used to be part of the Wrecking Crew a very popular breakdancin group. "She" had introduced me to her friends :) 'her' consciousness was mind boggling - KRS ONE etc. taught and preached and made us be so proud to be black...Ralph McDaniel became my second cousin, lol and slowly some 'cuteness' began to emerge as well as a reshaping of my personal choice landscape in the form of Big Daddy Kane...oooo la la.

Then one day - a shot rang out from far away..a place called Compton...there were black people in California?! It was intoxicating..mesmerizing...and addictive. Our cousin who we didn't speak about had come home and he was UPSET! Your psyche didn't want to embrace the violence, but it did and in doing so...we slowly self imploded.

Throughout the years 'she' has planted herself firmly in my life. The Chronic, Parents Just Don't Understand Doggie Style Hammer Don't Hurt Em - all parties I have joined in with 'her'.

At 39 however, she has alienated me for the most part. She's now naked, hungry and out of doors. She has lost her own respect and whored out so many of her bretheren. She sits at the grown folks table but the grown folks don't really respect her..anymore. We want to see her cousins from back in the day - sit back, play a little spades and remember when.....

What the Future Holds

Well as part of growing up - you reach back. I am enjoying classic R&B, vibes and grooves where you lose yourself in 'inference' - letting me paint the picture. I still will visit the dark, murky world of the underground - this time as a stripper with the joy of booty bass music - I can hear my stiletto's tapping on the ground, lol,but I'm getting kinda old; back kinda hurting - I think I will one day be grown enough for Jazz - some of it is starting to sound quite soothing.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 6:35 PM :: 2 comments

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