ThE EmAnCiPaTiOn oF pAmMiE

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Sunset Monologue 124


Blog Musical Mood: Somethings Going On - UNV

Dang it's mighty dead on the net today! I guess everyone is getting into the winter slouch,lol. The weather today was mighty weird. It actually had this scary 'warmth' to it and the sky was looking quite spooky. Now tomorrow it's suppose to be five degrees or something.

I went down into the belly of the beast looking for "Her" because she has court at 8am. I didn't find her but verified she did have an apartment. I went to the place where she said she worked and no one had ever heard of her; I wonder should I show up to make sure she did tomorrow, I'll let that marinate tonite.

I don't know how to cut my mind off. Some people can just go with the flow but not me - I gotta cast my net wide and work out mathematical equations. I listen (and read) the tales of people who encounter people and don't think past how attractive, funny they are and WALAH end up in some decadant sexual position and is no worse for wear. I don't have that mechanism - I don't know how to find it and put it to use. Therefore couple that with I've been single to long and I.....remain alone.

I look at how a man speaks, carries himself, approaches me, lays out his life, his life plan - I talk and converse and take mental notes, I insert scenarios, people, places, things. I figure how he fits in my world, would it be someone I would bring around my daughter....I just think to much! Thinking can be murder when coupled with intelligence - but is it really intelligence...or...psychosis.

I don't know when I began thinking to much -

was it when I discovered that the willingness of women to do whatever, whenever, however - caused alot of men to become complacent when it came to dating. They don't have to do anything because we'll pick em up, pay for half, put out great amounts of energy to be with them. The natural order of the ways things should go and the way men approach a women is gone. They don't have to ask us out - we invite our damn selves out, they don't have to pursue us - we're always available. They don't have to seduce us, Pussy cost a dinner at Red Lobster; sometimes just a watered down drink.

was it when more and more 'dating' fell to fast into the three C's Cooking, Couch, Coochie. No need to plan, or be imaginative or explore and experience discovery before we get that familiar.

was it when because of the net and the fact that the one's who will far outweigh the one's who won't, made a sista like me someone not worth the time and effort. If I'm not phone sexing or inviting you over after 11pm after one date and two weeks of phone conversation - there is already a stable in the celly that can take care of that.

I don't know...I think I have more issues ABOUT dating than I have ABOUT being in a relationship, lol.

I don't have outrageous demands but I do have a set of standards, morals, values and a way of carrying myself and a way I was raised that apparently impedes me getting past the first date.

I'd like to be in the passenger seat, I'd like to be courted, I'd like my stress to be about the fact that I want to be in your company so I'm scrambling to get a babysitter.

I can admit that I have middle class ideals and I enjoy living that type of lifestyle. I am broke but I am not broke minded (there is a difference).

I just feel that (not as if someone else doesn't as well) I have alot to consider and alot at stake in my life, to make but so many love mistakes; however maybe that's what it's about making those mistakes, letting things unwind anyway they may -be it good bad or ugly...

Folks (including myself) issues are so close to the surface that they come out before I even have a second to get caught up and once they appear it's just so hard for me to brush them off.

I told some friends that maybe I should go see a therapist and they told me that they were going to beat my ass - if I started to feel that me having some type of standard and not wanting to look up and be like "hmmm I finally have gotten with the one but it took me 100 dicks to find him" Cause however much fun you think the otherside is having - there's a great price you pay for it. It does feel nice (if not lonely) to believe that someone somewhere actually admires my struggle.

Um I'm basically happy and I'd like to stay that way. I have met more than one Brother who is...depressed and our conversations veer from 'getting to know you' to a 'counseling session'. There are a whole heap of us that live alone (not counting kids) and some of us don't handle that well. I've always said that if a person can live comfortably in their own head by themselves - then half the battle is won when it comes to joining on to someone else. If you need others or outside activity to validate you - then the other person becomes your 'source' and not your 'auxillary'.

I have been basically living alone (without extra adult interaction) for almost 12 years now. I am, and I do not lie, absolutely comfortable with that situation. Sure there sometimes gets to be a loud echo up in here, especially when Mini-me is out of town or something - but I don't freak out. I know how to reach out and I enjoy my own company. That's important. To sit in here and whine and moan about not having a life or not having friends or needing a mate to the point of depression is counter productive especially when these are things we contribute to ourselves.

Ho Hum, can you tell I have had an encounter with a man, lol lol. It's too much work, I'm trying to come up - up my happiness quotient, up my activity quotient, up my affection quotient, up my desire quotient - but maybe I should just get a dog -

because I submit and humbly ask God what is the message you are trying to get to me in having the set of men you've introduced me to this year come into my life - I'm about to give this up. Please let me know what you have in mind for me.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:26 PM :: 3 comments

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