Thursday, March 23, 2006

Sunshine Monologue 178

Puzzles, Legos and Lincoln Logs

Blog Musical Mood: Use Your Heart - SWV

Soo as I lay in bed last nite, I was thinking about life's journey and specifically a persons relationship journey and how they get to where ever they are in that journey. I think that relating to different people should provide us with an opportunity to gather 'puzzle pieces' because since no one is perfect - we should take away from each relationship SOMETHING that we want to keep in our pocket because everybody ain't so bad, you can't get something to add to your little pile.

I know for me - my journey has been more about self discovery than anything else. I was thrust into the world with a very strong father figure and having being taken care of emotionally - I knew off the bat that I wanted that to be in my life - the irony of that is that, being raised Muslim - my charge was to go forth and take care of the blackman. So basically I have spent alot of time....GIVING and GIVING while trying to figure out exactly what I wasn't getting. Because I didn't even know, seeing that I used GIVING as my RECEIVING. I derived pleasure from his happiness instead of requiring my own separate happiness.

I had to learn something that wasn't told to me in all my 'training' - in uptopia the clearly defined roles of men and women work - in hell.....they...don't. All people don't deserve the best of what you have to give just on GP. MOST don't, lol

I didn't really hit my stride actually until Mobetta. I gathered quite a few puzzle pieces from that relationship, yet there was a serious flaw and it took me a long time to realize it - even though the shell was right - the insides were not. If I am honest - that relationship drained me so much emotionally. I had to hold this man on my back so many times. Even after the 'relationship' had hit the skids - it became co-dependent and I was just beat down - it wasn't fun anymore did he even know or care about what I was going through?

I was able to add another piece to this puzzle in my next relationship, but I be damn if my own needs were starting to really bubble up. He provided alot of 'I'm into you' yet under pressure I was a......fat bitch (yea I know). I WILL NEVER let a man deplete me in this way! So I had to get rid of that...quickly. I don't do mental/emotional abuse!

So for the past year or so - I been dating and really, taking off layers of bullshit. I was quite conflicted in how to remain me - yet not be taken advantage of. I had not found the right...mixture I was looking for and I certainly had not found a man who was introspective enough to understand that in order to get his needs - he had to provide for some of mines. He had to WANT to even know mines - I don't run on automatic. I had begun to think I did, lol. I just fed off of myself and rejuvenated.

I spoke before about changing from Vanessa Bell to Shari Headly and that's real. I need a person who has space in them to fill up with me. Who can recognize that yes I give and I make men feel GOOD (and I dare one of em to say otherwise), But they need to be in tune to when I need to feel good. It's no longer about me getting him the water - (pop culture is a bitch) it's about him knowing when I'm thirsty (Lawd a White Men Can't Jump Reference, lol). I have put my foot down about that. Instead of being self motivated to GIVE - I need to be convinced it's worth it.

So now I meet LA's FINEST - he's an interesting creature to say the least. He's come with that elusive piece I've been seeking, Sure it's a bit haggard around the edges and the visual is a bit blurry - but when I put it in my relationship puzzle.....it fits. When you get this age, you got an idea about what will make you tick, you have enough relationships casual and otherwise to have an 'idea' of what would make you a good mate if that's what you seek. You have been around enough people to feed off of their good/bad/ugly. There are two things that keep us stuck - FEAR and Public Scrutiny and Criticism (which is another topic). We give alot of other things power over our lives - I've come to some understanding that LIFE is the proverbial baby - there is NEVER going to be a right time, you will NEVER have enough money and all the planning in the world will NOT GUARANTEE it will come out the way you want it to - but every minute of every day in some hospital, home, hut or otherwise - there is a mother looking at a new born baby with that far away look in her eyes - - that's how I am feeling right about now. I don carried and nutured this thing and lo and behold - it has birthed itself. Now ain't that some DEEP SHIT for a Thursday!
Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:18 AM :: 1 comments

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