Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Sunshine Monologue 157

Playing My Instrument - Making My Own Band

Blog Musical Mood: Celebrating Phyllis Hyman this Morning

How in the world are yah?! I think this is the longest I've went without blogging. I was soo missing it...really. I've been journaling - but there is something about projecting outward that I was missing. So yes this might be a bit longer than usual (breaking a coupla of blog rules) but these past couple of days have been chocked full of good stuff.

• 
  This weekend marked the Honda Battle of the Bands at the Georgia Dome. 10 Schools - 10 drumlines - 4 hours of the best of black colleges and universities. Having grown up in the South, this is like Tractor Pulling for Keeblers, lol. We come out! 70,000 strong! (well okay maybe 68,000 of us and 2,000 other). I took Mini-me and her friend. We had pretty good seats as well. We could see the field good, or we could just turn around and watch the jumbotron. Now of course out of said 68.000 - my seat was located next to....Boonquisha's....PARENTS. Which is way worse than Boonquisha herself. The pungent order of old booze, cigarettes and just old funk assaulted my nose to no end. Not to mention they had travel coffee mugs that had more Khaula than Coffee, no doubt, lol. My people! My people! Their kinfolk were in attendance as well and I have to say that along with the weave - I hope that 2006 marks the end of Negro Grunge. It was interesting in the beginning but now it's just trfiling. This unkept, I just rolled out of bed look is NOT CUTE! why are the females dressing up and the males looking like they just got out of solidary confinement is beyond me? Not to mention, if this unkept, uncombed, wrinkled clothed person was trying to talk to me, I'd be walking the other way. The dude I was sitting around actually smelled.....musty as in his clothes hadn't been washed and it was EVIDENT he got them off the floor - exactly what is this suppose to be about?
  
  Now folks know I have prejudices and an event that brings them out heavily is one like this. I'mma need the following things to cease and desist IMMEDIATELY! (1)The severly obese as front line girls i.e flag girls, majorettes etc. The entire concept that everyone should be included has messed up alot of things. There was a time where you had to 'aspire' and be 'prepared' to participate in some things. This was one of them. 140lb SOLID should be the cut-off point..sorry. (2) The we all must have weave is a bit played as well. There was a time it needed to come from your scalp. We are cute as a people with what God gave us (and I like wigs so I'm not overly tripping on this one), but it seems as if now it's about being able to swing hair. (3) Women Drum Majors - no comment (4) Fat people as live jokes - I know I know, I said I don't want them being flag girls but I also don't want them being the butt of the joke. If one more I'm 400 pounds and can do one half step negro comes out BBQ grill in hand.........



• I've begun identifying myself as a 'humorist'. Life itself offers so much fodder, there is no need to focus on anything else. My writing has evolved from journaling, a stint in erotica (basically short stories) and now blogging. However, I think my niche is in this type of writing. I mention this because the whole Newspaper column thing, I'm rethinking. Why? because it's not really my thing to speak 'to the people' in a 'what you should be doing' type manner. I live my example as opposed to columnize about it. Constantly expounding on things from a Cultural standpoint is not something I want to spend alot of time doing - I don't believe that's my mission. I'm not an activist like that. I'm wayy more introspective and among the people, who at this point KNOW what the hell they should be doing. I can hear it in the 'voice' that they would like me to be more representative of their legacy and I have to be representative of mine, no matter how non-descript it may be. I've worked so hard at standing as a separate entity that I am firm about it being accepted at this point. It's a hard place to be in because it seems (and this is just classic mother/daughter psychosis) that never overtly but subtly it just isn't.......enough, it's never quite in the right direction - - and at this point - - I'm not really entertaining that. It will cause me to close back up and keep what I got going on over here where I reside. I opened up a bit, but I feel more comfortable...to the left. So I'll be letting this marinate



• 
  Ahhh, I need to examine exactly what type of crack I was smoking when I decided to go back to school. I'm doing okay, running an A average in this first class - but I want to take a look at who am I doing this for? It seems as if status quo is never enough, but what if it's enough for you? Despite your bitching and moaning - you recognize that you are doing SOMETHING even if it isn't the DAMN THING. When I get this degree, what is in it for me outside of slide two of the powerpoint on the benefits of a college degree. Is it just about accomplishing something bigger than me? Will this guarantee that my child will want to go to College? Will it open any doors for me? Will it advance my mental capacity? Will this degree - just open a door to something else 'the voice' would gently nudge about? These are things I am pondering



• 
  His skin is so smooth, his smile so bright. I just wanna hold his hand as this warm fire engulfs us both. The place I'm in is calm coming from within - so whatever happens, I'm just a floating, so I"m sure I'll land gently



• Soo....why is Heather Headly's song playing in the recesses of my mind.....just let life unfold, I no longer have to jump through hoops. I'm walking, and no longer sitting twiddling my thumbs. If it's you they want, then they must throw caution to the wind - - because I are floating in the breeze of life and no longer want to be weighed down in the possibility - who would have thought 'possibility' was such a heavy word?

Finally......

R.I.P Sista Coretta.


Posted by Pamalicious :: 12:34 PM :: 3 comments

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Monday, January 30, 2006

Sunshine Monologue 71

It's about to bubble over

DON'T THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YA'LL - JUST BEEN HELLA BUSY, BUT BELIEVE YOU ME - I HAVE BEEN JOTTING DOWN SOME GOOD STUFF - SO LOOK FOR ME SPILLING IT TO YAH SOON.

Besides - I'm sure many of you are happy my life is expanding and daily blogging has to make way for...DAILY LIVING!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 1:03 PM :: 1 comments

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

Sunset Monologue 156

Blog Musical Mood: Spend my life with you - Eric Benet/Tamia

Man let me say - folks writing some good entries on the blog spot lately. I'm enjoying reading it. I am stretching myself tighter than a Tranny's g-string, but I'm enjoying it, I really am. I feel like God is giving me my five mintues of direct linkage to Him so I better use it wisely you know? So while I sit here eating some Mayfield Butter Pecan let me download.

• Ahh Jamie....well first off, if Clay Atkins can have a special then hell to the yeah so can he. However, unlike actors etc. a 'sexy singer' has to have this certain 'it' and unfortunately from my minds eye - Jamie doesn't have that. He has overall star quality, but he's not moving me like say a...Fantasia or a Kanye. Jamie is really good as the I got your back guy, but he was not ready to carry no hour long special - - it repeats tomorrow at 8pm est.



• So the twins from Georgia who got arrested after their appearance on "American Idol" got a record deal from So So Def. Now there yah go - do bad and then get rewarded, ain't Amerikka grand!



• Little prob with on-line school. I'm a social person and so the realization of the fact that basically I'm going to school by my damn self - caught me off guard. I had this impression that maybe once a week, we'd 'meet' in real time with the teacher in a chat room format and interact with one another etc. etc. It's week two and I really haven't connected with anyone during our 'assignments' You just go in and write what you need to and answer two or three folks and that's it. I come on every day to see if someone is interacting with me and so far not yet. Okayyy! I got an 'essay' due Monday. Otherwise things are going okay. I am struggling with 'reading motivation' but it's coming along. It's coming along.



• LOGO is giving us Black History a la Fabulous style starting Feb 3rd with "Paris is Burning" They are having a whole set of programming and I can't wait! This has got to be quite interesting



• Be prepared for a Busy Sunday blog entry - because I have an off the chain weekend planned
• 
  
  
• new 'overseer' reporting on Monday - I need to do some deep knee bends



• Trying to get the 'help' to be productive is a full time job. I called my favorite Eye Dr. (He couldn't be my gyno because I'd faint he too fine for that)because it's time to go back to wearing contacts. I'm thru with this portion of my self-acceptance. Apparently, he has himself a new front desk person who he must have hired from the Adult Challenged into the real world program. DAMN!! She was working MY NERVES!!



• preparing mentally for a 14 hour train ride - - Can't even get a good drink in because it's to a religious event. I'm sure you all are biting your nails in anticipation of these pictures, lol



• I'm going to have to cop Keisha Cole's CD - I'm digging her



• I was told this book HERE and this book HERE were reads I should turn down, of course I'll also be squeezing these in the mix, lol
• 
  

Oh and I'm still QUITE GIGGLY!! I got two good topics, I need to write about.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:15 PM :: 1 comments

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Sunset Monologue 155

Um, Mr. Chico Stick

Blog Musical Mood: "Laffy Taffy"

My mind is bereft of wittiness today, lol I am just in a place where it's really cool right now - I'm pleased...with me. Why do I feel like I'm about to have to start wearing my 'I might get some and it be good' drawers - - (don't you just love all these hints I'm giving, lol - I don't want to jinx it, so if it continues, I'll fill ya'll in)... I turned in my first piece for the "Philadelphia Real News" and so we'll see how that goes. I was going to the game, but they decided to have it away and I couldn't make it in time - Atlanta Traffic! I see some shopping off in the horizon - YES!

FINALLY - -

They call him Jolly Rancher cause he stays so hard!!









8:48PM EST

SPECIAL ADDTION TO TONITE'S BLOG:

I tell yah mini-me is gonna get me into celebrity yet, lol lol If I could ever be at the right place at the right time.

She had to dance at the game tonite and at the last minute the game became an 'away' game - so they had to travel. 6th graders aren't allowed to travel, but because they had promised the girls - they took them.

Well they called the parents 10 minutes before it was time to get on the freaking bus and Atlanta traffic prohibited me from getting to the game.

Long story short - Charles Barkley was at the game, lol why was he at a middle school basketball game - never know - but he was good friends with Sakinah's 6th grade principal so they got to sit with him and talk 'space jam' with him and everyone got his autograph and pictures etc.

Apparently he was VERY nice and very down to earth and Sakinah just kept saying 'mom he was TALL"

Now I'm over here crying because I can't believe I missed a big fine man who knows OTHER BIG FINE MEN!!

Yet - I do have an autograph and an Ebay account.....

Posted by Pamalicious :: 4:37 PM :: 3 comments

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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Sunset Monologue 154

Hit Em With The How Come's

Blog Musical Mood: "Ain't Gon Bump No Mo" - Joe Tex

Hey! Just a quickie (which can be quite intense and satisfying).

HOW COME:

• I just finished up 2 1/2 chapters to go online and discover she gave us the wrong chapters to read and my first assignment is due on Thursday. Now I need to just read exactly for the assignment - um I'mma need the freaking teacher to do better!



• If you KNOW you about to light up the freaking bathroom - you don't go to the last stall!!?!! DAMN! that's why they make that stall!! Why would you use the stall right next to the sink, which is more open and more liable to let the funk out!?!



• PTA touted this great educator coming and so I went and it turned out he was the KING of the Methaphors!! Everything was a riddle and why did he cuss in front of the kids?! - - Hmmmmmmm - - at least we got dinner



• Someone somewhere is confusing me with someone who enjoys....WORKING?!



• Rejected applicants for my attention and affection are doing their 'did you change your mind' calls?



• I woke up at 5 a.m. and got mad because there was no one there for some early morning - I'm up, but I don't have to get up yet loving - - DAMN AGAIN



• I'm scared to join the schools boot camp - the women were LIMPING!! I would die a painful death I tell yah!



• How come I kept yelling "The Blacks" while watching American Idol - thanks Trent, lol



• How come this man got me giggling like a freaking school girl - I'm a Grown Ass Woman?!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 11:25 PM :: 2 comments

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Monday, January 23, 2006

Sunset Monologue 153

What's the Rule?

Blog Musical Mood: Can You Feel It? - Jacksons

What a messed up Monday, weather wise. Atlanta folks can barely drive in the sun on dry land, let it rain, lol might as well get a bat and fuck your own car up, avoid the pressure. Otherwise things are going cool.

Took my first test today - got a "B" on my first test and 70% on my writing proficiency. Isn't that interesting? I need 75% to avoid taking 100 series English. What was the tripping point? Grammar. Hmmm, I thought I was using grammar in my day to day life; apparently, not college level. I have to past the test by the end of the course and that I will do, but dang!

That was my first link to the title of this blog entry. My second one is an interesting conversation with someone. Me and 'Morehouse Man' met awhile ago when I was hanging out at another hot spot; it was a conversation that was brief and scattered. We 'reconnected' at the 'club' and exchanged numbers again. We went to lunch once, based on IM conversation. It was a nice lunch. I got the impression neither one of us was overwelmed, but there was no sign of being underwelmed - so cool.

There was a lull - ok; life goes on. So several weeks pass. There are no calls, no ask to go out again etc. etc. So I'm like cool - - moving on in the dating relm. Someone else asks me and shows strong interest, good for him. He calls and asks me again, good for him.

Now a couple of days ago "Morehouse Man" needs a favor. I say I'll look into it, because I understand. Well then we start to chat. There's brief convesation and then he inquires am I cheating on him? I'm looking at the box like huh? I can't cheat on someone who has not made it known I'm their woman, lol.

In a nutshell, I took this opportunity to explain that I don't understand the notion these days that a person is suppose to 'read minds' to figure out what the intent is. If you are interested, then I certainly got no clue as to that! I'm dating, thus I'm continuing to do that - as janky and uneven as my dating life can be - I'm trying to get out there. He explains that, he is interested, but that he is in no financial condition to date and he needs to have his scrilla (that's my urban word of the week folks) straight. So then my thought becomes, so you are mature enough to let that be known - yet you would like your hat thrown into the competition. Well go ahead, because it's not about money, but actions and intent.

He then decides to 'concede' and maybe another time. Okayyyyyy - Did he just make a move and then quit me all in one sentence? I'm at a total loss, as to what that was about. I still say - if a person is interested and neither one of you give any signals that they are a swamp pony then go for yours! PURSUE ME! I hung up the pursuit hat. I'll let you know the coast is clear and that's about it. I'm not calling you all the time, I'm not suggesting going out opportunities, I'm not driving cross country, I'm not doing those things - if you are not doing anything in return.

Have I received a phone call...nope - which to me shows intention, because I've had men be like OH SHIT! and call and put their thang down and recapture my attention.....Oh well, we can be friends. I do need to know him, he has a service I might need for the B'day fandango, but somewhere in there - wires got crossed.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:13 PM :: 0 comments

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Sunday, January 22, 2006

Sunset Monologue 152

All 32's Just A Showing

Blog Musical Mood: Candy - Cameo



Going Out Saturday Nite


The secret to a resilent life in our kind of world is in knowing how to recycle yourself, over and over, letting go of what is no longer you, taking on new strengths, and shaping new chapters for your life, guiding by your own emerging vision. "What we're seeking is an experience of being alive," "so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive" you are the only one who can open the doors into the next chapter of your life. - LifeLaunch.

And thus begins the spillage of academia into my life. What an intriguing interesting concept to embrace! It fits so in line with where I am at this point in my life.

• I give "Holiday" with Queen Latifah the same grade I gave "Hitch" because they had the same problem for me - - a C+. The issue is that when you reach a certain level of 'acceptance' by the Hollywood Machine - as a person of color you are whitewashed to a certain degree, especially if it's seen that you have broad appeal. I mean Samuel L. Jackson has broad appeal, but as a blackman and he doesn't necessarily get out of those roles. Queen and Will have crossed that elusive line where they are no longer 'black' actor/actress - but actor actress and unlike the exhaultation of their non-black counterparts to this sphere, something (to me) is lost in the sauce when we reach this pinnacle. It IS our 'black experience' that adds meat (in my opinion) to storylines. We actually, even though pigeonholed alot of the time, have way more depth than the average white actor. So now we have the Queen - one of my 'sheroes' and I don't have many if any, lol. She has three weeks to live and she goes to....PRAGUE?! HELLO!? She wants to spend her last days on earth in 10 feet of snow with a white chef and other effectively non-ethic bodies?! HUH?! She's dishing out advice to the staff and guests - that is devoid of any flava. It lacked the 'connection' I needed to see. The spark in her eye etc. As much as some of the black relationship movies began to prick at my nerves - I thought all the richness of the 'experience' the characters brought to the table was believable. This really....wasn't.



• I won't even use a brain cell to talk about Sanna's new one and the supposed storyline that she falls for....the help....who is....white - when the black blue collar or no collar...wouldn't get....any play....hmmmmmm...there's storyline for yah



• I wonder when I see all of the 'we are the world' scenes, where blackmen casually hang all over white women or interact on a intimate level, if not in some room, behind some stage - there is quiet conversation if actress A, extra A 'minds' interacting with a blackman on that level?



• 'ATL Newbian Queen' - helped a sista out Saturday in a big way. I am grateful and was telling my step mom about how I am just open to communicating and interacting with this sista. I don't know, maybe I'm dealing with my own unresolved 'HER' issues, but I think I'm just paying it forward to a certain extent and I like her and I like her baby and I just know how it can feel to know that someone reached out a hand, ear and what not. I am not trying to be anyone's momma -but I think I can be a good 'big sista' - - we'll see



• "Why is it that the best conversation you've had in awhile - belongs to a man who is soo busy nothing can really jump off between you two - yet you are intrigued. What irony - which I think is reserved...just for me."- Sunset Monologue 150 He made time......
• 
  
  
• W-2's should be showing up soon. Outside of salvaging some of the 32's that are showing - I plan on doing some decorating around this here house. I'm tired of looking at these walls, curtains, bed spreads etc. I'll certainly show you what it will all look like



• 
  Um Harvey you are becoming a SOFTEE! I don't want to see so much of your wonderful smile. You need to be getting up in those celebrities asses again!



• My Mom has acquired several columns in a Philadelphia African American Paper and she wanted to know if I would like to have a column - well the blog will be going to the masses for real, lol. I have enough fodder on here to piece together a newpaper blog. I thought about calling it 'beating to your own drummer in a band full of savages" but that was too long - so I'm going to think up some things and just clean up some entries from here (since I have over 200) and get it crunk! As soon as I get more information - I'll let yah know where to go check it out

Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:54 PM :: 0 comments

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---------------oOo--------------- Sunset Monologue 151

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

He said I had the most beautiful eyes; they were so enchanting he had to look away - - tonite was a good nite.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 1:59 AM :: 1 comments

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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Sunshine Monologue 70

People Make The World Go Round

Blog Musical Mood: Hold On - EnVogue


My Peeps! My Peeps! How's it hangin? If this weather don't make most of us sick, I tell yah! Last evening it was 31 degrees and it's like 64 right now, lol. I took me a mental health day today, I have time and I'm going to be using it - bump all that. Schools cool - I am finding it difficult to.....care about what the textbook says,lol. I am going to fight the urge to start examining things based on some stuff I read in the book, but it may pop up. As well as, I am not going to drag you all thru everyday of school, lol Just give me a minute to get used to....ok?

So last nite Mini-me shook her groove thang NOT LIKE THIS HOWEVER and it went well. I somewhat chuckle at the fact she wasn't raised in an environment where any real emphasis or praise was put on dancing - as a matter of fact - I'm of the school, you don't have to use your body in an enticing way to enjoy dancing etc. Well she can dance no question, but she's not....gut bucket (now that's an old school word) and so she's coming across 'rehearsed' because she has that 'moral electric fence' in effect. I spoke with her last evening giving her permission to move a bit closer to the fence - it's okay - but I know she won't.

So I'm sitting there on those hard ass bleaches (let me tell you, the so-called advantage of having a cushiony ass is LOST on bleachers, lol. I missed the girls game but got there just in time for the boys. There was a pretty good turnout to watch so it was quite lively.

Here is an equation I am boggled with: Boys+Sports+Men=JOE JACKSON - I just knew some boys were going to be moving cinderblocks last night because of mistakes. I am so intrigued at how men are so passionate about sports and about their boys performance when it comes to sports. Good Lawd! Also, I'm just gonna put it out there - females need to find other Athletic endeavors that are less de-feminizing. Those young girls looked like DUDES walking around the gym, not a feminine bone in em - A whole gym full of Cleo's or something, lol. What happened to home economics? Those were the days.

Today was Mini-me's honor roll program. She aced 6 A's and 1 B this quarter. They had a whole damn instruction manual to try to encourage the kids to (1) Act accordingly and (2) Dress Accordingly - well I gave both a grade of C. It said in big bold underlined letters - NO JEANS! Are some parents never interacting with their children about these things? Why was everyone on the speaking panel in JEANS. I would have chosen other students on the spot and SAVE the - this is all they had to wear - not on them - on their PARENTS. My only other 'issue' was with the right of passage of....wearing heels. I know these young ladies are now bigger than say we were at 12-14 and their feet, good grief! Mini-me and I wear an 8, however, 12 year old need not wear spiked heels..sorry. A small stacked heel is fine, but their ankles are not ready yet and they have not mastered shifting their weight properly to accommodate heels. Those girls were all walking crippled!! and on a slippery gym floor at that. Otherwise it was a nice event. We had a recption afterwards in the media center (for old heads the library, lol). Then the girls begged the principal to eat off campus so we took them to Wendy's and then back to school.

Next up - - the grocery. Ever look in folks carts - especially Keeblers? It's so funny sometimes. I am like what in the world - their grocery bills must be $15 a month. During the day apparently white collar keeblers don't work, so that is who filled the grocery store. Buying their whole grains, wheat, seltzered water, tofu, and other macrobiotic fare that will certainly prevent them from having a negroid ass and keep them here just long enough to outlive one of our Crisco for dayslives, lol.

It made me look in my cart and it wasn't too bad - I had brown rice/spaghetti, lean ground beef, healthy choice chicken noodle soup, fresh broccoli, stew beef and stew veggies for Sunday, no soda, no sugar, navy beans - but they did have Mayfield Icecream 10/$10 so I got some chocolate and butter pecan, but I bought the pints and I intend to eat it correctly. For awhile now it's not been about WHAT I'm eating, it's been about HOW MUCH of what I'm eating. I'm now on phase II of rolling it back which deals with portions and I'm back testing at least twice a day and taking my meds - so next is just getting my body moving. I do know that I am sufficiently 'disgusted' with food and that's the point I wanted to get to. So we'll see.....

Somewhere in all of my people watching - I was suppose to meet a Bro referenced in the previous monologue (he's the one where I felt like I would be rejected). This negro must really be used to that little thing I talk about - where women make GREAT pains to meet a man and as you know - I ceased doing that - if your intention is strong enough we'll both make an effort. This is I don't know the fourth time or so that, I've basically been stood up and then he tries to make me drop everything to come to him....we've never even had a real conversation - well now I'm tired of the whole thing - I'mma let that drift away.

Well folks - what a rambling entry this was, lol. See Ya'll lata!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 4:59 PM :: 1 comments

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Sunset Monologue 150

Whoa Nelly!

Blog Muscial Mood: Lady Marmalade - Labelle

Of course I'll be singing that all night and tomorrow after watching 'American Idol' (no link ya'll know how to get there, lol). What's up peeps? I have been royally bloglazy to tell the truth. Just haven't been able to focus and write and now more than ever is NOT the time to not be able to...write.

• What The Hell Have I Gotten Myself Into?! I started class today and already I need to withdraw, lol. After I printed out the handy dandy 48 page welcome to HellPsyc 199 - I immediately realized that I need to hook back up my auxillary printer. I have my good one for photos etc. and I have a black and white one - well I need to be printing off that bad boy! I printed out over 75 pages today! I also need to make sure I have my school bookmarked at...work.
  
  I chuckled that I had two assignments required TODAY (which I completed), I am graded on my participation on the discussion boards, I have a three page paper due next week, and I have to read three chapters by Thursday with a test on Sunday! DAYUM!



• I need to reconfigure some activities to take place during the daytime to free up my nights for schools



• Why is it that the best conversation you've had in awhile - belongs to a man who is soo busy nothing can really jump off between you two - yet you are intrigued. What irony - which I think is reserved...just for me.



• Why are there instances where you begin to feel like there is only going to be rejection and you would rather spare yourself the 'feeling' - so you push away, even if you are intrigued?



• A Very intriguing 'highschool' research question was posed today: what's your daily battle? (take some time bloggers and answer this question at your leisure?) It's so Bobby Brown Jr.ish, lol. I gave it some thought and came up with two plausible things in my life:
  
  The Orgasmic Pleasure involved with....eating. I am quite disqusted with the fact that I don't have the metabolism to be able to eat the foods that are good. I struggle daily with my real strong desire to get it under control but my very weak resolve to actually do it.
  
  How do you be Black, Southern, Traditional and like to cook and then be cursed with not being able to enjoy it?
  
  AND
  
  My disappointment with the state of male/female relationships and where I fit into the picture. I think to much, I expect more than what apparently is the accepted norm and thus I get fustrated. I don't know how to not look at relating as something important and relevant etc. and just look at it as a fun nut - therefore and thereby - I continue to seek out men who would like to build vertically and not just horizontally. I am now just enjoying having non-sexual friends - because my psychosis about allowing my body to be used up has reached all new highs, lol
  
  As well as - when I have decided to 'join the bandwagon' 100% of the time - it's all a trick and men still very much judge women on that type of thing - regardless of what they telling you....so finding that balance and then finding the motivation to even move on it - sometimes is a 'struggle'.
  
  I really took a moment to chew on this, and no I'm not about to begin my 'spill' - this year I am about 'acceptance' of who I am. It made me think of something else actually....



• I was examing 'lust' in the car on the way home this afternoon and how unfilling I have found it to be. I find much better pleasure in 'desire'. I confirmed this with 'bad decision' because after all that time - I wasn't fulfilled because I didn't desire him - I was just 'lusting'. It was so incredibly empty in that the touch was not 'for me' it was just 'to me' the interaction was not 'about me' it was 'to me'. My touch was stilted and unreal to me because there was nothing that I 'desired'. My body did not even respond accordingly, because I had nothing to feed off of. There was no time for me to let 'him' marinate in the recesses of my mind - for those thoughts to trickle down my spine and settle in my loins. I so like that feeling, where I wake up throbbing because something a man has said, or some interaction we've had has brought forth a thought of how potent, strong and virile his mascuinity is - and how much I want to allow him to prove it to me. It sounds so childish now in hindsight to say 'ooo he fine, I want some of that'. Want some of what? I want a clear definition of 'what' and 'what' it is and the feeling of mutual desire from a man. I want him to have to control himself, to be lit on fire about me thus when he gives of himself to me - it's about....me. I refuse to be a vagina with extremeties - so I guess I should prepare for the longest drought of my life.....



• The Bad Decision example above is a classic way women adjust their 'counts' because due to unfulfillment I can just make his ass magically disappear - however - I'm counting him because regardless to how I want it to go away - it happen - thus he's on the count - dammit! Which is proof positive that I need to stick to WHO I AM, even if it leaves me high and dry - because he's just ONE - what about the sista that rationalize that and tries it again with the next man and the next man and you look up and 100 dicks you have sucked - - at what expense - - I ask?



• Sometimes I feel like I don't care if I never have another man - I'm not even motivated to let him unravel his bullshit and then I beat my own ass, lol Because I do care and as long as I have my own 'turds' I certainly can put up with his.



• Have I been having very powerful straight conversation on behalf of the sisterhood with a select group of brothers who have presented their over 35 manhood as being a penis with legs? Yes I have, I have no shame and no feelings about a man moving on to the next woman - it doesn't even require a soap box - all I need is the right ear to hear and He and I will do just fine

ATTENTION: I may have to do every other day until I get this whole school thing down. I am still reading you all and I am quite confident this class will give me plenty of blog fodder, lol.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:37 PM :: 2 comments

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Sunset Monologue 149

Looka There! Looka There!

Blog Musical Mood: Enjoy Yourself - The Jacksons


It has been so windy here in Decatur that it blew me clean away from the computer for a couple of days, lol. What it is people?! I hope that all is well in blogdom and that everyone is sufficiently neurotic :).

No particular topic tonite - just spitting out the last couple of days.

• First, let me send some Get Well Soon to my sis Nik she going thru it :) As well as send you all in the direction of This Brother - he's having a hard time right now and could use some encouragement



• Why Ya'll treating me like I'm James Frey from the Oprah Bookclub? LOL My Memoirs will not be embellished, lol and if they are - I'll label it 'the way I wanted my life to go',lol. Let me reveal the 'offlimits' list: (1)Anything that would identify my job & telling specifics about it other than the fact I'm a glorified slave Secretary - it keeps this computer going, no need to go there; (2)Specific Information about moms - because she's 'celebrity'; (3)Graphic Sexual Content - because I write better than that and can weave it differently; So folks calm it on down - it's not that serious. I told ya'll I accidently fell off the toilet and slammed my head on the tub and got stuck - UM that should tell ya'll something,lol.


• 2006 is the year that my Highschool graduating class turns 40 and Friday night I attended the first of several parties. What a good time! I now am HYPED about planning mine. "Janet" came with me and got her pregnant dance on. I amazed myself by doing the Laffy Taffy....right,lol. It was a good time. We mentally jotted down several ideas that reflected my personality for mine. I got six months to lose some damn weight and plan one banging party and even if the weight ain't straight - the party has to be. I didn't really have big parties when I was young (no sweet 16) and since I eloped I missed all those parties etc. So I'm looking forward to rolling in the big 4-0 with a good one. I wonder should I rent a helicopter.......


• It was a good Ebay week. I sold two items I had for sale and won me a camcorder - so now I can tape Mini-me and just tape stuff in general to perserve and send to the peeps up the way


• I rolled the blog offline today by meeting 'Atl newbian Queen' today. Nubian is spelled to reflect the fact she's new to Atlanta. We started chatting thru the blog and I just liked her spirit and I know how it felt when I first got down here with a three year old, no family and just trying to see if I can make it on my own - so I extended my hand to the sista (gotta pay it forward and keep the Karma clean). We went to lunch and just kinda rode around - doing my maniac tour of Decatur, lol I know she'll never read the blog the same again,lol. I hope we continue to grow. I don't let alot of sistas in my sphere, but I enjoy creating 'family' in a space where I am devoid of them - there's always slots for little sisters :)


• Speaking of...SHE is out and all charges dropped. Suppose to be coming over tomorrow because as she says "we are the only good people she knows". I think I am going to beat back my contempt and 'feelings' of fake bougieness and try a different feeling and see if I can make some movement in the relationship with HER.


• I made a big step (personally) in just meeting someone without my game face on. I got a last minute invite to lunch and I just went with it - glasses and all. Ya'll KNOW I don't even play about that - however, you know what - I am who I am and I don't think I'm undesirable, so embracing me, means embracing the fact my eyes might be tired and so I have to put my glasses on - as was the case Friday. Now if I could really meet someone who had the capacity and maturity to wanna embrace me and not my genitals - - life would be perfect - - but I'm trudging on - - living in the here and now (I'll speak on the complexities of this tomorrow it's quite interesting) and forcing myself to swallow the bile that rises in my throat at the 'game' and AM RELAXING. I'm doing good ya'll! I'm doing good!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 11:11 PM :: 2 comments

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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Sunset Monologue 148

Beyond Blogsphere

Blog Musical Mood: Remember The Time - Michael Jackson

For some reason everytime I hear this song, I think of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? LOL LOL Have no clue about that one.

Honestly - everything that went on in my life today are things that are not on my blog approved subject matter list. I'm mentally tired from all the wrangling, explaining, outlining, objectifying and what not. I'm slightly stressed from the HER issue and I need about 14 hours of lovemaking, lol lol.

So I'm going to end this here......see ya'll tomorrow.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:44 PM :: 4 comments

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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Sunset Monologue 147

Who's The Shiznit?!

Blog Musical Mood: Beautiful - Tweet



I AM THAT'S WHO!! I had this thought in the car; this society is set up to worship a particular kind of person for something and the rest of us - are just flitting around constantly looking for validation. Well I declare today

NATIONAL TELL US WHY YOU THE SHIT DAY

Use this as a Kinda Meme - the first one for 2006 and write you a blog entry on why you are the bomb! Tell us why you love...YOU - an example is TopMackNigga - this Bro expounds on his greatness DAILY and I appreciate it. It makes me feel good by default. So look in the mirror, look at your scrapbook of accolades, your best porn shots (lol), your Maya Angelou Poems, think about what makes you fabulous and tell us all about it...OKAY!!

I'ma bad Sista. I am cute as all hell with my pretty slightly almond shaped brown eyes and my cherub face that really doesn't show alot of signs of age. I love the way my facial features are put together. I like the fact my lips are full, yet thin. I have a wonderful smile that lights up a room. If I'm smiling then usually I'm laughing and it's a genuine laught and quite infectious.

I have been blessed with great tight skin (thanks to my parents) and so it's quite taunt, even though I'm a bit fluffy - I am not jiggly. I love the fact that when I fall seductively on the bed with a paramour, my entire body hits the bed at one time and my bosom doesn't hit the mattress, lol. The 38's still got some distance to go before they lose their shape.

I have a more rump roast kinda ass and not the bubble. It does the job and is quite feminine - I enjoy the way I swish a bit when I walk - I'm a woman dammit! Lord do I have a great pair of legs! They are firm and my ankle (like my wrist) are so delicate. Which reminds me of what great hands I have. Natural nails that grow out already manicured it seems. They showcase rings from small to large perfectly.

One of my better personality traits is that I can cheer folks up. I am a great listener and give great advice. I genuinely care about black people and our plight and our issues on a group and individual basis. I'm always available to my friend old and new for counseling or just to be a sounding board.

My mind is sharp! It is constantly whirling, looking at situations, examining outcomes etc. etc.

My culinary skills are great! I enjoy cooking and entertaining from standing rib roast to leg of lamb, I might go in the kitchen and knock it out. I am more satisfied with others enjoying than I am with me enjoying what I prepare.

I am a ride and die chick. I'm all about playing Robin to my Batman and if he's bringing a program I can submit to - then he got himself a woman. I like to make my man feel special and appreciate him for what he's bringing to the table and not what society keeps saying he SHOULD be bringing.

I love me some blackmen and you can't say but so much about him negatively. Brothers enjoy conversing, dealing and relating with me (speaking of friends now) because I try to remain balanced when looking at the situation and I am not about trying to disrespect or exault myself above him - he the Man and I'm comfortable with that and thus he's comfortable around me.

I'm a damn good momma. I sacrifice and look at all angles of life in order to present a positive image to mini-me.

I'm passionate, sensual, loving, touching, gifted, talented, corny, cuddly,fabulous...

I AM

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:14 PM :: 0 comments

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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Sunset Monologue 146

Channeling Maury Povich

Blog Musical Mood: If I Were A Bell - Teena Marie


Ok, so I said that I had an interesting postscript to the My Daddy Entry. You know it wouldn't (1) be life or (2) be blog worthy or (3) be the life of Pam, if the story didn't have something dramatic attached to it.....

I was minding my own business, living my life when at 35 years of age, I found out that the man who raised me, gave me my foundation and loved me till his heart bled - was NOT THE FATHER!!!! That's right people - it seems as if I were a classic FIRST TIME HAVING SEX WITH THE HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND ON SR. PROM NIGHT BABY! So I'm living proof it takes ONE TIME!

Now the crazy thing about this is that I literally was the only one that didn't know. EVERYONE including all my siblings etc. knew this...but me. I tell you, I have no idea where the hell I've been all these years. Apparently, my biological father was alive and kicking all this time. When the truth came out it took a couple of minutes for it to all register. Then things started happening quickly - I got an email from an Aunt and then a call from....a sister. I have two additional sisters. My youngest one was soo excited. She spilled out that she had actually written Maury looking for me and that she had been searching for me for years on her own, behind our fathers back. Then she told me she always was told she had an older sister and that at family reunion pictures there would be an empty chair representing...ME! Now all of this was a bit overwelming. My head was spinning.

Then I finally talked to....him. Ever had a small feeling somewhere that something just ain't right, but you can't quite put your finger on it. For alot of my life, it kinda 'bugged' me that I just wasn't like my two immediate siblings (ok my pops had 12 kids, my mom had 3 and it's this immediate family I refer to in my blogs - not the rest). I just acted so different, had a different attitude about things, had this creative side they lacked, had this peaceful side they couldn't find, had this spacey - fantasy - moral overdrive they didn't possess. I just figured it was genes - well when this man got on the phone - such a powerful feeling of peace befell me - no lie - I got woozy and almost fainted on the phone. It was as if this blankness in my life that I couldn't identify filled. He was JUST LIKE ME, lol. He was also polar opposite to my parents. He had dreds down to his waist, never really held a real job, kinda drifted doing poetry, planning drums etc. is very metaphysical, spiritual, calm. It was amazing.

Now as a show (well to me at least) of the very inner core of who I am as a person - and I am being very truthful - I took this whole situation with a grain of salt. No angry accusations, no therapy needed, no freakouts, no nothing. I've heard both sides of the story and it was between my parents and I am leaving it at that. I can't spend any time 'upset or hating or blaming' my parents or him for his inactivity in my life. Now of course, my eyebrow raised at the sheer notion that basically a conspiracy took place my whole life - but my life was and is not a lie. I didn't 'miss' anything or feel as if I were 'deprived' much.

I met my biological father for the first time July 04. I look like him (well I look like my daddy too, lol). I didn't necessarily know how to act so I just let him hold me for as long as he needed to in order to be able to fill that 'void' that had been in his life all these years. The last time he saw me in person I was three years old. Now he produced pictures of me all the way up until 2004 as well as pictures of my daughter etc. etc. I will also admit that is the thing that kinda pissed me off - I didn't like the fact someone out here knew about me and I had no idea about them. I was quite excited to find out I had the sisters and all these cousins and folks that were waiting to meet me. He gave me pictures of him and I - he had the bracelet I wore in the hospital. Pictures of him, me and my mother etc. These were all precious to me.

It is now 2006 - where do we stand? Well I know him and where he is and likewise with him. We speak on holidays and birthdays etc. and I try to write him, but I have yet to go to the 'hometown' and meet everyone else. I talk to my sista maybe once a month but the one right under me - wants nothing to do with me - seems she always felt she was competing with a 'ghost' and now that I've been 'found' - she is uneasy with that - I give her that option and respect her wishes. I feel SO BLESSED, to have had my daddy and in his absence, my Father. I call him by his first name and to be honest - I don't have the kind of connection that I had with my daddy - but I feel WHOLE and I feel COMPLETE and I feel SOLID out here in the world because...that nagging feeling is gone.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:59 PM :: 1 comments

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Monday, January 09, 2006

Sunset Monologue 145

Brain Fart

Blog Musical Mood: Steelo - 702

What's Happening Peeps! Well this was my first full day back at the gig. It's already been too long, lol lol. Nah it went pretty quick. We've been having some kinda very weird weather down here - I have no idea what's up with that. I feel like I gotta wear boots and a swimsuit with a hat to keep from catching cold.

I'm having a major blog brain fart and really have no concrete topic to discuss - so as always bear with me - one will surface soon.

• Did I tell ya'll 'She' is back in jail. Different county. $1k this time. She'll be getting a care package, because no one is getting her out. I will send her pictures of her idol - LiL Kim and tell her - I know I think I'm Mariah/Beyonce/Eva - but those folks are on the UP and UP - you might wanna let being like LiL Kim Go.....I did send her $12 for her books.



• I have been having my winning the lottery fantasy again. Of course it's because of ole girl. But that is such a strong one, that I like to keep it under wraps because it takes alot to make it go away, lol. I am up to how to spend multi-millions - so it will go away soon. I have several and the dollar amount increases until the fantasy just gets put back in my mental rolodex. I like the multi-million dollar one because then it involves 'gailizing' Janet. I did decide if I ever won like $50K I wouldn't tell a soul, lol. Just handle my business. I figure by the time I drive to work tomorrow, it will be over



• Today I had an EXCELLENT man day! I felt quite at ease and confident as I chatted with a couple different brothers at various times through out the day. I'm in a quandry as to how to get any of them offline, but the conversation was good. I am so happy that God decided to wave some positivity in my face. One is particularly...fetching.



• Retraction - I really really thought over my statement about being bitter vs fustrated and even spoke with Janet about it and I'm just fustrated. I've never even had anything done to me that would qualify me to be bitter. I can't even lie - I just get in 'woe is me' mode and unless someone jackslaps me - there is where I'll stay. So I won't be claiming that. It's tough out here - yes, but not impossible. Sometimes I block what God has in store and sometimes God blocks what I think I need - so it's a good working relationship and I'm going to try to keep it going. Funny how just an attitude adjustment can do wonders



• Is it an invitation to hell - to use mini-me's name at black expressions to get me some free books,lol. Why when someone asked me what I was reaing I said "Oh a good book by Trent Jackson" !! - I'm not reading Trent, I'm reading Travis Hunter, but apparently I SHOULD be reading Trent. I'll get to that this year for sure!



• Am I prepared if someone (particularly male) finds my blog? Have I spread myself to thin in my real world to be able to express myself like I would like? I did that awhile ago and it wasn't about a man. I remember "Issues, Inc." talking about this - that if you give someone your blog addy, then you are not looking for them to be anything else but a friend. I beg to differ. The blog gives them an advantage that many might not have, now if their game is to wack to use it, then that's on them. I'm not ashamed of anything I've written and it's been the best therapy EVER. It's linked to my IM addy - so astute individuals will find it anyway....so be it..and there's always room for an anon blog, lol



• I've really been thinking about the sensuality of true attraction and a nice lay in bed all day sleep, screw, sleep kinda day. Play hooky from work and while Maury and the rest of daytime keep us informed - we keep each other occupied. I really feel like I am in training for something really cool that will be coming up in my life. Even my horoscope said that this is the year - hey I need all kinds of prophesy, lol) - I need me a muse bad. I haven't written anything in ages - had no inspiration....

Welp, my favorite channel 'LOGO' is premiering "Transgeneration" this evening and I've been looking forward to this - so let me go clean up the kitchen,get me some water and get settled on the couch for that one.

I haven't given you any eye-candy in a minute so let me blast yah for 2006 (one of these is courtesy Rod 2.0 - he gonna make me get a concussion, trying to lick the computer screen).







For 2006, I need to be inclusive of all my audience - so here's one for the Fellas (They won't show up all the time, but I'll give ya'll some cause I loves Ya'll)


Fellas

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:11 PM :: 2 comments

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Sunday, January 08, 2006

Sunset Monologue 144

Weekend Whatchamacallit

Blog Musical Mood: Anything by LTD

Sitting here this Sunday continuing a trend for the day...doing nothing. I just puttered around the house today. So this entry will be like that - a puttering around the house kinda event, lol.

• A woman has about $15, stops for gas and buys a scratch off. Wins a little bit of money and decides to go in and try her luck again. Buys a $10 scratch off, sits in her car and wins ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! Who is this woman? My brothers baby momma! He is beside himself with excitement and I called in every loan I've ever given that negro. He told me he'd send me a postcard from the islands. I'm sorry - be careful you don't get splashed with the haterade I'm showering in, lol.



• I played $10 worth of scratch offs the other day and didn't win shit



• Why did a Bro I've been talking to casually on the phone call me at 2am last night drunk as a skunk talking out of his head. I called him today and he doesn't remember that conversation......LOL. I'm not even in his rotation like that - so I was really shocked I got the 'drunk call' we've never even met, lol.



• Things are falling into place with my non-resolutions, lol. I think the non's have actually formed itself into a presence and it's called GET OUT THERE AND LIVE LIFE. Everything I'm doing is towards that goal.



• Is textbooks the biggest racket in America? Damn! $125 for one book and I need three! Had a small $100 credit from the school to take that edge off



• Put the promotion code given to me in the system - it said $100 credit and then charged me the full amount. So my rent check is going to probably bounce while I get this figured out tomorrow morning. Tsk Tsk Tsk



• Scana Energy FINALLY accepts normal - payment extensions! Thanks God!



• I'm really enjoying my new celly - now if only it would....RING!



• This is a pivitol year for my HS class - we all at various times this year for the most part will be turning 40. I sent a note out for us to let each other know when and where the parties are.



• Why does Countess Vaughn need to lose weight on Celebrity Fit Club? Shouldn't she just get fit and go to a THERAPIST about that not feeling sexy thang?



• I went on and removed my face from the 'club'. Now I am just popping in to lurk. I got to do better than that, I got to feel better than that



• Ok - I REALLY have been putting the buzz out about I need to find someone to develop a relationship with the come and 'sit' with Mini-me sometimes so I can get out and about. So far no luck - what happened to the art of 'sitting' good grief! I've asked other parents to be on the lookout for me; I've asked the ladies at before care to be on the lookout for me. I'm just looking for either a Sr. or say no older than 25 year old that wouldn't mind - hanging out with mini-me sometimes or an older sister. Why is this so hard? I have all the crap folks want - free local and long distance - platinum cable, food, internet access, music and I'm willing to pay say $35-$40/night. I'm never out all night - I'm usually home before 1am or so. I wish my momma was here.......With no family down here - I've had to struggle with this constantly. I always feel funny about constantly asking my friends (who are folks I would like to go out with) For some reason NOONE knows anyone - apparently EVERYONE has family or something that will keep an eye on their kids. I'm ready to add things to my life on a more consistent basis such as going out - DATING etc. Im tired of 'lunch dates' because I can't find someone and my friends live way the hell out as well. For instance, to go to the Kappa function I had to drive from Decatur to Jonesboro then back downtown to attend the function then back to Jonesboro and then home to decatur. (Atlanta folks know I did some driving, lol) Can't keep doing that. I'm getting restless and antsy - I think I'll make a flyer and post it at my job - that's more controlled. As well as just keep asking folks. Something gotta break soon though. (Atlanta folks hit me up if you know someone)



• SHE is back incarcerated this time for fogery. My mom wants me to put $20 on her books. I don't want to (sigh) but I will. Such a freaking hassle.



• When is the new season of Noah's Arc coming on? I've been humming the theme song for some reason all day



• I need to be made love to for about 5 hours straight...by someone that is turned on by Pamela and not just the fact I got a cooch...yea that would do it.

Good Nite People!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:36 PM :: 4 comments

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Friday, January 06, 2006

sunset Monologue 143

To the window...To the wall!

Just in time to celebrate my matriculation back into school, I got invited to this:




"The 3rd Annual Stone Mountain-Lithonia Alumni's
Kappa Alpha Psi Founders Day Mixer".

The occasion will be held at the ever-so-plush
Leopard Lounge - Downtown Atlanta.
Doors open @ 6 p.m.

Please join us as we celebrate 95 years of continued achievement in our
community. Before you head home after work, stop by the Leopard Lounge and
celebrate with the Kappas!!!

This event WILL start on time. Please arrive early to mingle--last year, the
"other" venue was so packed they ran out of liquor!


Now I am not a person that really goes out during the week, it's so much of a hassle, but this was calling my name - so I got it together and after driving to the very edge of the universe to hook up with my friend - we were off. My friend 'Regine' (this name is based on her love and ability to rock a wig) is not a party person at all - she's actually into the Church, so this was going to be interesting on two fronts. We were discussing what to drink and I let her know that with her not being in this type of life - while I was going to stick to drinking the devil's brew - she should stick to Jesus Juice for sure!

Ok, fuck the blow by blow!

OH MY DAMN! OH MY DAMN! OH MY DAMN! It was overwelming! There was so much testerone in that room, if I had of been ovulating I would be pregnant this morning just on GP. This was the drill of every woman who walked in that door; (1) look around (2) Swoon (3) Open cell phone and start texting frantically - get up! get dressed! Get down here! LOL LOL LOL

I had such a good time. There were so many blackmen, in so many different shades, flava, etc. It was a cornucopia of the heaven that is He. I was damn near speaking in tongues, lol. Brothers in suspenders and bowties, blazers, wonderful thick sweaters with skullies, sexy mofo's wearing hats cocked so fierce you wanted him to take it all off and just keep the damn hat on, lol and every woman in that room felt like a queen! We were so well taken care of. It relaxed us so much that we just walked around grinning and speaking to each other - it was quite cool.

My friend and I were almost never without some bros to talk to and let me tell you - it was so needed in my life, ya'll dont' know (oops ya'll do know, lol). I needed to get the fuck off the net and get out around some men. It made me think while I was there last night (in between trying to keep from drooling) that I might (1) be misintrepreting the 'internet' persona of men and (2) I might have a touch of.....bitterness in my pocket. Yea I said it. Now what's interesting is that I haven't pinpointed exactly what I'm bitter about - I've been calling it fustration and I am leaning more towards that definition. Am I bitter because I can't seem to get even close to what I desire or am I bitter because I'm mad I don't know how or wo't admit I know how to play the game...but I digress back to the subject at hand.

We danced, did a little drinking and just soaked and basked in the glory of the blackman. I know it shouldn't be a shock - but I tell yah they were so considerate of all the ladies, no overt macking or anything.

Of course I had to run into who must have been the FIRST Kappa ever, lol because that's who I attract. We danced a couple of times and he was very drunk so when he tried to grab me and stick his tongue down my throat (luckily he lost his balance) his fellow Nupes were on him and escorted him upstairs for some fresh air.

I crawled into bed about 12:45 or so and didn't bathe, why? because I so smelled like good cologne and 'man' that I wanted my bed to smell like it,lol. I didn't fall asleep until like 3am because I was soo charged from the vibe and the man essence in that room - it took a long time to come down...a long time.

I am SOO excited about 2006. So excited!

I am going to chill out this weekend - the hawk has reappeared to remind us it IS January, lol. Mini-me is back in the spot. Last night washed some sense and validation over me and humbled me to the realization that everyday is a day to discover, UNlearn, and GROW. I'll examine the bitter/fustration later on down the line - right now - I just want to snuggle up in the memory of my nite with the Kappas :) Ya'll have a wonderful weekend! and I'll see yah on Sunday with a Postscript to the 'My Daddy' story - thanks to everyone who commented!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:33 PM :: 4 comments

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Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Sunset Monologue 142

Daddy's Little Girl

Long Post Alert but worth the read!


My Daddy

Today is my daddy's birthday. Let me tell ya'll about my daddy. Even though my parents separated and divorced when I was like 8 - I don't remember a time when he was not in my life, so I honestly don't consider myself as having grown up in a single parent household. My life was seamless as far as I was concerned.

My Daddy was a sharp dresser. He was always up to date and dapper. Clothes hung on his 6'2 slim frame like they hang on any male model today. I don't have any memory of my father wearing jeans or sneakers. His casual clothes were a shirt be it polo or collared and old slacks. He always said that a man in athletic gear was ready for sport and a man in a suit was ready for business.

When my parents separated - my mother made a vow we would grow up around our father so we always lived...literally...around the corner. Where ever my father lived we lived within walking distance as small children from him. Waking up in my home or my dads with him reading the paper to us -was not anything out the ordinary for us.

My daddy was EVERYONE'S daddy where ever we lived. If you didn't have one - well you had one now. Boys were drawn to my daddy and he always had time for them. He was always speaking, teaching and pulling young men aside to impart some wisdom. Kids would wait outside for him to come home to talk.

I have never known my father to work for another man. He always had his own thing going. From running a magazine called Hi-lites when I was little to running a successful jewelry business that came about because one time we were hungry and he took all the forks in the house - made bracelets went downtown and sold them all - eventually owning a business and traveling the world. He did early jewelry for Whitney, Anita and several others. He said that a man should do whatever it took to remain free, be your own boss and be in charge of your destiny.

He was admired by folks in all walks of life. When he moved to Philadelphia (the ONLY time we were ever apart) - he moved into the worst damn neighborhood bought the entire block changed the name (the sign with my family name still hangs) and cleaned it up and hired ALL the young men in a two block radius to work for him. He was so well respected that folks would be cursing and cutting a damn fool and get to our block and STOP! Everyone who came by said As-Salaam-Alaikum and would chastise others who chose to disrespect our block. I remember every Sunday he would get up and make these HUGE breakfasts and the neighborhood men would come and listen to my father speak.

One of my fondest memories of my father (I have so many) was one time my sister had gotten slapped at the park by a grown woman. Anyone who knows philly - it's very territorial so it became family vs family. We all around the corner ready to fight and then all of a sudden this whispering started...Bro Solomon is coming, Bro Solomon is coming and the crowd parted and he came thru and said real calm "Everyone that belongs to me you have three minutes to get back around the corner" Adult and Child booked, lol lol.

My Daddy has 12 children (the last one is mentioned below) and he tried to spend quality time with all of us. My time involved one of his favorite pasttimes...gambling, lol. He would wake me up in the summer when I visited and be like Babygirl let's go and he would tell me "here's $5, no matter what don't give me that money we have to get back across the bridge" and we would go gambling. I was too young to really get in - so I would put on his hat and jacket and slide on in, lol. These were the times that he shaped me - told me about boys, told me what to expect from a man - how to be a woman.

My Father died of a heart attack 19 years ago this past December. His youngest child was in utereo. The day of his death the entire neighborhood shut down out of respect. He did not get to see one Grandchild or his youngest son who is now a student at Temple University.

Over the years, I have had men in particular come up to me and burst into tears at what an influence he made on their lives and how if it were not for him they would not have had a Father.

So I would like to honor my Daddy today - sometimes folks wonder why I am like I am about the concept of men/women and my definition of a man - I had the VERY BEST example in my life already and so I know what it looks like and that's what I look for - some glimmer - of - my - Daddy.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:07 PM :: 4 comments

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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Sunset Monologue 141

I's A Student!

Blog Musical Mood: Roni - Bobby Brown


Yes People! I followed thru. I mustered up the courage to step out and at 39 1/2 I'm back in school. I'm excited. I've needed a brain boost and I'm sure I'll get it. I start January 17th with my first class being Psych - Self Assessment. Now that should send me over the edge, lol. I can just turn in my blog, lol. I'll be getting my B.A. in two years in Organizational Management with a concentration in Primary Education. I would like to teach but the Organizational Management degree from an unorganized person sounds so intriguing, lol. Who knows might go into H.R. or something. It's never to late and I'll deal with the money as it comes up.


Speaking of Psych - Self Assessment. I am wondering why my love affair with food has been so strong lately. It's not that I'm necessarily overeating (ok maybe I am a little bit) but I am really turing to food and I need to figure out why and quickly. I honestly think that I have a low continous drip mainlined in my body of.....depression. I don't think it's traditional depression but it's boredom with life depression. When nothing is moving in my life - food gives me excitement. I have to figure out how to expel these feelings instead of inhaling them. I have GOT to get off my ass and get my body moving! I don't know why it's so hard this time. I have got to do it! I'll be having conversations with myself in my written journal to get that in gear. Cause food modification no longer really works - I am going to have to get the ole heartrate up.

I did some 'stats' at the club, because in having a conversation it was asked am I aggressive? Do I sit back in the corner and wait to be approached. Hmmm -

Been visiting the club for a little over a month:

• 6020 folks have passed my table


• I've sent cocktail Napkins or a drink to 46 men


• Only 4 responded to me being the aggressor


• I've been on 2 dates

Hmmmm - maybe I should change my placecard to "Lickemwell", say I'm bi-sexual, and show some ass.....what ya'll think? I think I'll just quietly leave, lol. I got other stuff on my plate now and that's a good thing.

Let me leave you with this:


Imagine my surprise when way out in Jonesboro at the Walmart I ran across a BEEF TONGUE! I snatched that bad boy right up. My longing for NY was on and poppin. It's actually a Jewish Delicacy, however, I've been eating it since I was little. My mom used to make it and just have it sliced with a small cup of mustard and we would go in the Fridge and get some, lol. Later on in life I found out my Great Grandfather was Jewish so that's where she got it from, lol




So you boil this bad boy (after cleaning) in water with seasonings (like peppercorns etc.) for a couple of hours. Let it sit and 'set' then refrigerate it for a couple of hours.







Next you cut off the underside and then let it rest again then you peel the taste buds etc. off.

Then you get you some FRESH Rye Bread from the bakery, some heavy grainy NY mustard and maybe some pastrami or cornbeef and thinly slice and make you one hell of a sandwich. Add chips, a pickle or some slaw - and you got it baby!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOBETTA!!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:35 PM :: 2 comments

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Monday, January 02, 2006

Sunset Monologue 140

Onward! Upward! and....Outward!

Blog Musical Mood: Off The Wall - Michael Jackson

Like my first musical mood would not be him,lol. HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!!!! I hope that your Holiday Festivities went well. I hope that the second day of 2006 still has you anticipating the new year and that you haven't already went the road of 'aw hell another fucked up year'. alot of us are back in the work saddle tomorrow and as per Cosmo Magazine here are some quick tips to make that go smoothly: (1) Take it easy - spend 15 minutes chattign with coworkers i the am, you'll feel relaxed and back in the loop;(2)Start with something you love - kick off your comback by tackling an assignment you enjoy; (3) Stretch out your mellow mindset - Focus on how refreshed the days off have left you; (4) Plot your next escape - make future plans, like a spring trip etc. OR use my method and CALL IN SICK! LOL LOL

I won't give a blow by blow - noone wants to hear all of that, lol I need to catch up with my favorites and see what you all did but in the meantime here's what's been happening in my world!

I just got in from "Janets" Today. Been out there since Friday night after coming from a twilight zone hair appt. Drinking Henny and Coke, listening to an old, not cute female mack and chillin. Some years we've spent as party central, some years have been low key and quiet, well this year we ate way to damn much!! I have no idea why the theme to bring out 2005 was gluttony, but it worked. A fine opportunity to just eat away all the ills of 2005 and then before the week is out empty it all out and start new colon fresh, lol.

First up we went to Fire of Brazil. Now I'm sure you all have heard of this type of restaurant as have I but I had not had the opportunity to actually and that's not a place you take a date, lol You got to know each other well, lol. Here's how it works for those not in the know. It's all you can eat. There is a wonderful salad bar that has everything but everyday salad fixings. You are sitting at the table and they give you a card. One side is red and one side is green. At this time, men start walking around with giant skewers of meat and if your card is showing green - they are at your table slicing meat for you that you take with the tongs provided. This is heaven for an Atkins person, lol Meat and Salad. Lawd have mercy!




I had lamb, beef and turkey. They they play the theme from Fear Factor (lol) and the exotic meats come out: Elk, Deer, Ostrich, Alligator etc. now couple that with 5 giant wine glasses of Sangria and I was too thru! LOL LOL I have never been that full in my life. Then we had the nerve to have dessert! Enough food to feed a small army and $318 later - we rolled each other out of there. Made a stop and then headed on to "Janet" to bring in the year.

We sat around watching Notorized on BET, and all the New Year shows and became emotional when Dick Clark came on. It was going to be a good year - cause it ain't no year unless Dick Clark says it is. We had such a good time just dancing to videos remembering stuff from 2005 and looking forward to 2006. "Janet" and I really need our own show, lol.




New Years day - "JD" and I spent alot of quality conversation time together because basically "Janet" is in a pregnancy induced coma most of the time, lol. Later on we went to "JD" parents home where basically we had Thanksgiving again! I will say this - all that good food we had the night before, there is still nothing like a good HOME COOKED MEAL. Turkey, dressing, mac and cheese, sweet potato casserole. I just keep saying Whew! We then piled in the nice comfy family room and watched "Tombstone". "I'll be your huckleberry". We had a good time.

I spoke to "Mini-me" New Years eve and day and she's doing fine, but I do think she's ready to come home. She'll be home Wednesday.

I took the time to program my new celly and took some pictures. I know I should be able to take better pictures than the ones I have posted, so I'll be experimenting with that.

Went to my favorite Walmart in the midnight hour with "Janet" where we did some shopping and bopped around.

I came on home today because I really just wanted to be in my own space. Do some things around here, go grocery shopping etc.

I haven't spent alot of time reflecting or anything, but I did say that I might have to adopt a more aggressive, meaner edge to me and my motto for this year keeps leaning towards 'fuck it'. I will work on that - because that's not me - and until I realize that ME is just fine - I'll be at square one and I'm suppose to be someplace else by the time I turn 40. This is about the Emancipation of Pammie Dammit!

there is nothing wrong with being me! There is nothing wrong with being me! and it's your lost be it male or female if you decide to hate, unappreciate, or negate that!

Ya'll keep it toasty this evening!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 7:08 PM :: 2 comments

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