Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Sunset Monologue 41

The Diet Can Go To Hell Edition

Hold Your Breath! Something New Is Coming!

As I am on the countdown to Birthday Number 39, be on the lookout for something different here. June 4th is the date! June 4th is the date!

BBQ'ing Rain Style

Atlanta always has a way of throwing you a curve ball weather wise. Atlanta is also steeped in real and imaginary tradition. Memorial Day marks the unofficial beginning of summer, the date you can bring out your white and the date the sun is suppose to start beaming down on us unmercifully until Labor Day. But because of all you drivers and smokers and what not - the ozone layer is shot to hell, so it's been damp, dreary and rainy all damn day! That,however, does NOT stop a Southerner from BBQ'ing - so I got up and was hyped about getting out on the grill. I bought me a new grill because the one I had before met an untimely death due to leaving it out in the rain; it rusted thru and thru. I put this grill together last nite in about two hours so GIRLPOWER!!


Put together by ME & still standing

Then I started watching the Food Network and their 'Grill and Chill' weekend extravaganza and immediately started tripping, lol I am a MASTER BBQ'er! Yea...Right So I decided on Chicken, Lamb Chops and Steak. I got the fire going and then as the rain splashed all around me, I got to queing in my carport, lol lol


Now that's a fire in the rain!

Talk about some good food!! I ran back and forth watching the cookoffs and 'pretending' I was in competition. Saw something to add to the sauce and had it on hand so I did! The ability for me to entertain myself is amazing, lol


My Imaginary Cooking Show Entry

Adding to my meat, I made some homemade potato salad with not an overbearance of mayo like I like it and some baked beans doctored up and slow cooked to perfection.

Of course I had to have me a cocktail or two, lol The drink of choice: fruit punch, lemonlime soda and VODKA! LOL I found these really nice glasses on clearance - so I had to break one of those in.

Having found these classic cafetaria plates at the thrift for eating foods that require separation - I loaded up the plates and mini-me and I dug in.


Yummy!

I AM SO DAMN FULL!! IT MAKES NO SENSE TO BE THIS FULL! I should not have drank the number of cocktails that I did, lol - they filled me UP!

Well I just wanted to post the cooking side of Memorial Day Plicious Style

Dateless in Atlanta
The Good Reverend Leon Lonny Love & I chatted on the phone briefly and in the course of less than six conversation and no face to face - he professed I was his best friend, he could truly love me, 'jokingly' said we should marry and asked for my ring size. A moment of silence please for the little umpire that lives in my life alerting me to 'red flag' issues - he collapsed due to the overwelming energy he expelled throwing red flags on the playing field in this instance. A new umpire is being trained in his place.
Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:00 PM :: 4 comments

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Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sunset Monologue 40

Make It Hot Tonite

What a show!

Last nite was the concert! Me and five of my girls ( all the men we know abandoned us at the notion of New Edition so it was girls nite out) met at my house. The concert was at Chastain Ampitheatre and we had 'lawn' seats so a picnic was in order.

We had curry chicken salad, salmon salad, pineapples/watermelon/strawberries, chips, chicken wings, four bottles of Arbor Mist, 1 Bottle of Canai Sangria (there was no hard liquor alllowed) HOWEVER, and here's a hint for the rest of you Dasani water bottles with a little patience are easy to get the top off and NOT crack the seal. We keep them on hand once we've gotten the top off to smuggle clear liquor like vodka - so we had a couple of the larger bottles 22oz I think of those with vodka in them.

We had a GREAT spot on the lawn and we laid out our tarps etc. (it had rained like hell the day before) and we put the blankets down and lined up our candles. Chastiain is nice - it's a great date place as well - if a man is just close to getting the drawers a nite at chastain unless he totally messes it up - can possibly guarantee him some,lol

So anyway - Gerald was first. He gave a good set but it was too damn long - he ran out of his limited catalogue and began singing other peoples shit. We were in the process of eating and getting tipsy so he was nice accompanyment. His brother Sean was there so we got some old stuff as well. Gerald of course rolled across the length of the stage a couple of times and threw out plenty of teddy bears to the crowd.

Intermission and then the radio station who was hosting it came out and asked were we ready for New Edition and the screams were deafening! Then they said the magic words we were hoping for living in Atlanta: THEY BROUGHT A SPECIAL GUEST!! The crowd went B-E-S-E-R-K!!!!!!!!!!!

So all of a sudden their set started and it was JAMMING the crowd was hysterical and we were wondering really why they wern't headlining. They sang like three songs and then the sixth mike stand appeared and by then we had almost passed the hell out, lol lol Cause you know what was next - the strains of "Mr. Telephone Man" started and all I got is TWO WORDS: Bobby Brown!


It was pandemonium in that place as he came out in classic Eddie Kane Style - he only had on the jackets they were wearing, a baseball cap and jeans, lol lol Now you know NE was clean as the board of health! He was all over the place and didn't know the steps and sounded a hot mess but it didn't matter - damn I love Atlanta! Then he took his baseball cap off and he looked like a damn mad man!!!

So he left the stage and they carried on and it was just a good performance. It was dark by then so the candles all around flickering and what not and the gentle waif of incence and ganja in the air it was a nice ass nite!!

Then towards the end Bobby reappears and begins singing Poison with BBD and just like that the set was over five men left the stage and one stayed behind. Bobby pranced back and forth across the length of the stage as the crowd screamed BOBBY BOBBY BOBBY BOBBY! they wouldn't give him a working mike, lol lol then he ran up on a platform and got one and his last words to us:

"if they were to give me some mike time I'd tear this bitch up" and he handed the mike to the handlers who were after his ass and left the stage!

Brian came out and I ain't gonna lie - he was boring as hell! After getting all hyped with NE, Brians show was just too slow. He talked wayyyy to much, did way too much new material noone knew and half the audience was walking out. It was not pretty. I dont' think he can headline in that large a capacity. We stayed the whole set because frankly like it or not that was rude as hell. It's Brians Tour which I didn't know because when you look at the ticket stub it says Gerald Levert NEW EDITION (in all caps like that) Brian McKnight so he's pulling purposely the NE crowd.

He does alot of acoustic guitar stuff and way too much talking. Now don't get me wrong he sounded flawless! Of course the brotha can sing, but you can't leave people wanting and begging for more NE especially when they seem like they have an abbreviated set (or maybe they cut it short cause of bobby I don't know) and then go into that. He, to me, should have opened up. That way as you were drinking, lounging talking etc. It would have been a nice accompaniment.

There were grown men in the audience doing all the NE video's it was DEFINATELY an NE Crowd, lol lol

I hope that some of you all get a chance to see the Gemin Tour when it comes to your town!


Protecting the Cub

Mothers take special sometimes overzealous interest in thier children. You would kill or attempt to just about anyone who is messing with your kids - but what if that person is family? 'big momma bear' has three 'cubs' I'm the oldest and the youngest is seven years my jr. and lives here. She is a wild cub and it goes so against my lifestyle that we need to stay far apart. However, guilt of being the oldest both self inflicted as well as implied hovers above my head. Seeing as I am one of one two family members down here - I want my daughter to have some 'family' interaction and so I try to deal with 'baby bear' as much as I can. So against my better judgement I let 'mini-me' go with 'baby bear' for an overnite visit. Now 'baby bear' lives in the wilds of America without any stable place to lay her head and is making no effort to secure said place. She is beyond working and prefers to find animals of the male species to assist in her lifestyle. I don't understand it and try to just stay out of it because the level of drama is so foreign in my life.

Well 'mini-me' comes home today and blurts out tales of speeding off from the gas station in someone else's car, of having to spend her graduation money to get them a room at a seedy Motel 6 and when I go pick up 'mini-me' from some location on the other side of the world, I can't sit down because of the CRACK PIPE on the couch (baby bear does not do crack). I am angry and appalled and I'm tired of trying to deal with someone who can't and won't deal with themselves. I have no special caveats for 'family' I am not working and sacrificing and what not to expose my child to these types of things. If i'm not parading men in and out the house - why would I keep turning her over to someone who is doing that with no regards for her.

So I'm like thru - don't call, don't anything. I had given 'baby bear' some money and she was demanding more, so I just left. Well I called 'Big Momma Bear' to debrief since we hadn't seen 'baby bear' in awhile that things hadn't changed and in fact had gotten worse in some areas. Well I'm a 'momma bear' and she's a 'momma bear' so she bristles at the report about her 'cub' and the conversation becomes instantly null and void. The intertwining of the whole thing is too overlapping and there can be no real conversation and some kinda way (which is normal) it began turning into another episode of "I know baby bear is out there, but let me tell you about what you are doing wrong?" Classic! The child who is not causing drama gets picked apart to avoid facing the fact that 'baby bear' has problems.

It's a shame that 'baby bear' is like she is and I feel sadness about it, and anger that the way I am living my life is always bumped up against and fault is found - we are not in Kansas anymore! but I do understand protecting the cub - I am just going to stick to protecting mine.

To Stay or Not To Stay

I'm in a quandry as to whether to continue to let myself be open to the possibilites of on-line or to give it another rest. I am not really sure how I'm feeling about the whole thing, it is a great way to just kinda sit back and look around and kick it etc. but it's also such a waste of time, lol lol I have five days to decide and I will be deciding something in those five days.

18 is a stressful number!

Here is a touchy touchy subject among women - especially black women. I have bopped around and macaronied/potatoed/fruit punched my way to an 18 pound weight gain over the past year!! I can't even sit here and say I can't believe but recently the mirror tapped me on the shoulder and was like 'looky here' and showed it to me in all it's glory, lol

I, like alot of sistas, battle with my weight due to genetics as well as foodnetics, lol I cook, I enjoy cooking, I enjoying breaking bread with friends and I also sometimes use it as a replacement for money/love/sex and the rest of the things the rest of us use it for.

I'm a shortie so anything shows right up on me. Now I lost an enormous amount of weight about three years ago (58 pounds) and this 18 signifies what I have gained back of that weight, so (here comes some justification, lol) all in all based on the stats, I'm not doing too bad and me recognizing this and nipping it in the bud will certainly help me not gain back the entire amount and like the stats also say 'then some'.

Man I was on a roll for those two years with the weight lost size 10-12 and what not flouncing around etc. Now I still flounce around because my self esteem is still intact and now I wear a 14-15 (YIKES) it's just that I know it's there - my weight settles in God why me.....my gut! It's not huge and obnoxious because I was blessed with extremely tight skin and so there is no wiggle and jiggle anywhere on my, but it's there and I know it's there dammit!

They say the 'average' American Woman is a size 14 and here in Georgia unfortunately alot of my sistas are wayyy past that. I've alway just tried to stay average and I want to go back to being average. I don't trip on the way I look because (1) I'm cute as hell and (2) why trip on it, it didn't happen by osmosis - but we are all looking around and looking at each other.

So I've already started cutting back. you rarely see me with sweets but instead of a pasta now I'm eating an extra veggie and drinking some water. I know I wrote previously about my exercise routine - well that went by the wayside - I have got to get that exercising thing. I KNOW what if off in the distance and I like to make up newer 'denial' instead of the usual (1) it's the south big is normal and (2) at least I can get a man and (3) I got such a pretty face. So while I'm working on this and sets of denial - I'll cut back my portions etc. and see about trying to get this OFF!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 5:38 PM :: 1 comments

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Thursday, May 19, 2005

Sunset Monologue 39

Proud Momma Moment!

Well Mini-me is out of the fifth grade! What a lonnng day! Let me tell you first up is going to the PTA and expressing my issue with the fact that I was the ONLY parent to assist in the 'reception'. I mean what was up with that? I can't believe parents are this uninvolved in thier childrens lives! I was suppose to be apart of the refreshment COMMITTEE NOT the whole thing! I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I did get to enjoy Mini-me and this is how she was honored:

• Safety Patrol Certificate
  
• Stomp Team Certificate
  
• Most Likely to Be President Superlative Certificate
  
• Most Helpful Studen Superlative Certificate
  
• TBS "Great American Moments" Certificate
  
• Gifted Education Certificate
  
• Straight "A" Honor Roll Certificate and Trophy
  
• Highest GPA for 2nd Semester 5th Grade Math Certificate
  
• Highest GPA for 2nd Semester 5th Grade Reading Certificate
  
• Mastering 5th Grade Core Cirriculum Certificate
  
• Community Service thru Beta Club Certificate
  
• Scholastic Excellence thru The National Beta Club Certificate
  
• The National Junior Beta Club President Certificate and Trophy (for being President)
  
• Certificate of Merit for National Junior Beta Club

She also gave the welcome. You know sometimes you wonder if you are doing ANYTHING that is benefitting your child, if all the sacrifice you are making and the seemingly talking to a blank wall is working. Even though this is just the fifth grade and she has many years of higher learning ahead of her - I think this is a solid foundation on which to build upon and I AM PROUD!!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:58 PM :: 0 comments

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The Battle Edition

Swell -vs- Swole

Sitting here pondering some things and it dawned on me that I pretty much am attracted to men I am calling "Swole" not necessarily physically, but in all that they do. Just over the top. Now don't get this confused with 'bad boys'; sometimes there is a crossover and fine line but basically the 'swole' brotha is the one with an abundance of personality, he's a free blackman in every sense of the word, he's always got two projects going and looking for a third, he's usually quite arrogant and basically represents the 'Saviour' complex I think I have, lol lol He is the one that sweeps me up, tosses me around and then (and here comes the bad part) I land flat on my ass!

Now the "Swell" brotha is the one I SHOULD be with. He's the brotha that likes to marinate. He has a great steady simple life and he likes it that way. His blood pressure is normal, lol He takes his time and cultivates relationships. He is unassuming but you look up and BAM he got you open, lol

Every blue moon I encounter a hybrid of sorts (which is ultimately what I would like to encounter) you know the brotha who is over the top YET he is about that extra step of peepin me out etc. He is able to take me on the 'ride' I so desperately need, but not kick me out the moving car in the process, lol lol

I really have been thinking on why am I attracted and I can say it's because (1) My Father was swole and kinda conditioned me to want to be with that kinda brotha and (2) it merges my fantasy and reality. I am such a complex personality, but I have to have something to feed upon. If you step to me as the 'swell' brotha then I am evaluating that on it's merits, if you step to me as the 'swole' brotha then I am usually hopping aboard that ride because it will leave you at the gate. Is this destructive? In the long run yes because I am also being something I might not be, but can't fanthom why I can't have it all.

I like 'swell' brothas I really do, this is who I should marry - the man who is about getting a house, having sunday dinner etc. etc. but I also want him to have a good dose of Plicious....let's go OR Plicious lets have some friends over OR Plicious lt's play hooky from work" It's like after awhile my heart beat slows down and I begin to drag if I don't have that boost of what the "swole" man brings to the table.

I know a "swell" brotha now and I had to stop myself from freaking out at the quietness of it all. I am determined to let it run it's course, because a slow boil sometimes is the best boil and history has shown me that 'swole' brothas though exciting are not in for the long haul and I can't keep proclaiming I want the long haul YET I exclude the very brotha who can give it to me.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:01 AM :: 0 comments

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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Sunset Monologue 38

The Count Down Edition

Peace to everyone! I have really been trying to exercise my right to stay off the computer lately and just be around in the real world; until I came to the realization that in 2005 this is as much a part of the real world as me sitting on my porch reading, lol However, I've learned that I need to let things populate and marinate my being so that I can post on the blog.

Tonite I was thinking in the car on the way home (since I STILL am without music) that I am 'counting' towards a couple of things...

.....TWO days till Mini Me leaves Elementary School - Why does it seem like she's getting taller daily - are my eyes deceiving me?

.....FOUR days till New Edition at Chastain Park - I am soo looking forward to this!! Brian Mcknight and Gerald Levert as well! About six to eight of us are going and sitting out with close friends and bottles of wine is going to be fun!

.....FIVE days till I'm thru with this round of on-line - tsk tsk tsk, hopefully I made some good penpals. I really realized that I was enjoying the 'naturalness' of just being out here in the world, where my total essence can shine as opposed to being one-dimensional as such on a page. I have enjoyed approaching brothas from different sides of me and seeing what if any the reaction is. I have planted some seeds and maybe one will grow, but it's time to give it a rest. I won't delete my page, because I don't foresee any recreations - but I definately am phasing out.

.....NINETEEN days till I'm 39 - I think I'll be partying at BellBottoms for this auspicious occasion. Well I partied there last year, why mess with perfection, lol I have to note that this is the wha....I've lost count birthday where I don't have a date for the festivities. I have GOT to work on that! It's one thing to not have a date for others but not even for myself?! I am really trying to figure out how you keep like 'people' on hand in your life. Maybe it's due to having dealings with alot of brothas and since I never really have that - I'm usually ass-out on the casual brotha I can call to attend things with me. Another thing to ponder.

.....THIRTY NINE days till The Road Trip - This is shaping up to be OFF THA CHAIN!! We almost have our money up and I am still working out details but this drive up the Northeast is going to be GREAT!! I can't wait. It's not even about spending money, but just hanging with my best friend and being in the big ities. Of course I will report back with a blow by blow. As previously mentioned, we will be going to Philly/NJ/NY. Spending the nite in NY is mandatory and "Africa" (haven't heard his moniker in awhile) promised us a dinner; THAT should be interesting.

.....FOURTY FOUR days till I'm in the ATL alone for five weeks! - That surely is a first. I've never really had extended amount of time left to my own devices, lol lol This should be interesting to say the least; five weeks with mini-me 800+ miles away. I know that by the time I hit my stride and people realize I can leave work and hang out, I can stay up obscenely late & still go to work, I can date on the drop of a dime, I can meet for drinks on a say Thursday; she'll be coming home, lol lol - ahh the possibilities.

And Finally...

.....THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FOUR days till I turn 40! - I just KNOW this is going to be a great countdown!

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Emotional Triggers

As we move about in the world, we are the conglomeration of all kinds of ideas, thoughts, activities, beliefs etc. etc. the basis of these are given to us by our parents, then enters society and admist all of that is our own ability for thought. What a mix!

Well as we experience life and all it has to offer, we develop 'issues' whether we want to or not. Show me someone without issues and I'll show you a dead person! Hell, even a baby has 'issues': Who is gonna feed me?, Who is gonna pick me up?, It's cold, it's hot, I'm wet...shall I go on?

Part of our make-up are what I term 'trigger' words. In our vast memory we associate 'tabs' of sorts as we file each thing away. They are a quick way to go in the file cabinet of our short term memory or our bigger more indepth vault of our long term memory and find things - whether we want to or not.

For instance if we get a 'feeling' about love - we can pull all the files where we felt this. Well unfortunately just as happy as we are to pull all the good things, all the bad things get a tab as well.

This is where the problem comes in, if you are not adept at the realization that this was a bad point for you - these 'triggers' can cause you great stress and strife. The mere mention of these words can make you experience the pain all over again and you end up lashing out at the memory and taking others down in your wake.

I think the first step is to identify what your 'triggers' are openly and honestly associate the 'issue' with them. Claiming them, allows you to not be ruled by them, thus not continuously carry them from life event to life event.

Now the other tricky thing is that sometimes people use your 'triggers' against you because human nature dictates that we press buttons, lol Sometimes it's innocent but sometimes.....

So do I know what my triggers are? Most of them but of course I'm not telling you! If you have 'triggers' embrace them, mark up that folder and then when you hear or read or experience the 'trigger' and that file drawer flies open. You have an arm out already to catch and slam it shut!!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 7:53 PM :: 0 comments

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Thursday, May 12, 2005

Sunset Monologue 37

Festivals Atlanta Style

This past Sunday, in celebration of Mothers Day I decided to attend the Sweet Auburn Festival. All my years here, I had not been to it and it was absolutely beautiful outside, so I was like let's get gussied up and go! We took the train down there (it always adds excitement for mini-me) and as we walked the maybe 3 1/2 blocks - I kept waiting to hear the drums...the drums calling me home.

When I think of festivals I think of alot of Northern ones where the joining thread is the motherland and how we are now gathering here as we did there. So there is always a slightly African or Cultural slant to the events. You get swept up in the tribal rhythms and what not. Well the first thing I heard was some very bad rapper spitting lyrics off in the distance, lol Uh that ain't Africa, lol lol

All in all the Festival was cool, albeit with that element missing it was disjointed and basically a group of black people either trying to get some sun, bootleg cd's or ass. Not to mention there should have been a section just for how to turn one scrap of fabric into an entire outfit hosted by sheniqua,lol Some of the things I did enjoy:

• The Brothas who had the old school mix cd's. He had sold out by the time I got there but I would have KILLED for his Mike/Prince mix. Lord have mercy!
  
  
• How the cops just overlooked all the bootlegging going on.
  
  
• When I finally found the African Drummers. I was jammin!
  
  
• How there is always those brothas who let the 'drink' take over and then get to dancing, usually to the blues - gotta love em!
  
  
• Tall brothas in wife beaters with long beautiful neat clean locs. Lord have mercy!
  
  
• The Rundu Table (had mini-me go stand behind a pole) the nude calendar was $5 but hell it was priceless to me. Sometimes there is just too much... I mean DAYUM! I would have to wait till mini-me went to college and then all that teasing would be too much for my heart, lol lol I'm not a strong woman, especially loving black men the way I do. Even the clothed calendar had me gasping for air, lol
  
  
• The way all us lightskinned negroes were trying to soak up the sun, lol I mean face up towards the heavens, lol I sat on the grass and pulled my capris up and tried to fry my legs.
  
  
• Pretty Ricky what they call him and he was OUT in force on Sunday! Just beautiful light, curly haired brothas walking around glistening with sweat....
  
  
• The fact that out of all of that - the brotha with the HAMMER PANTS on decided I was his queen. I had to tell him, just because your pants and my hair are the same color does not mean it's destiny! Damn!
  

All in all we walked around enjoying the sights, sounds, food and what not for a good three hours. I might have to go to more Atlanta festivals.

Things that go around in my mind

1. How come Brook Valentines "Girl Fight" is the kinda song that will make a scary sista like me - end up getting her ass kicked? LOL LOL I love that song, lol it just gets you hyped. Like listening to Public Enemy and going to work for the man, lol
   
   
2. Why didn't Nadia knock Kenia the hell out on last nites America's Next Top Model? and Kenia needs to back away from the table, even though she's probably a size 5, lol
   
   
3. MiMi has emancipated me and mini-me! We are loving that CD!! "Fly Like A Bird" is THE BOMB!! and "Shake it Off' oh yea!!
   
   
4. How can I date on $2.00 - if anyone has an idea let me know
   
   
5. This might not be politically correct, but I am becoming a blog fag hag, lol lol I just find the lifestyle and the children so fabulous sometimes. Why can't hetrosexuals be open to the fun and drama of thier lives in the same way? I read tons of them and I have my favorites and I wish I were back in NY, cause here in Atlanta, without my best friend - I don't indulge in the real life, but I got my blogs so I'm fine
   
   
6. Uchenna and Joyce winning Amazing Race was the highlight of my week! I actually was hoarse on Wednesday and slipped on something as I was running around my living room and kinda twisted my knee, lol lol Two black couples back to back, I wonder if they are trying to figure out how to ban black people from racing, lol Don't they know we are GOOD at running, lol lol
   

Dateless in Atlanta

Well I think I said I was back online. So far it's been a total bust. I have no idea why, some conversation - but like most times - it's so diffcult to get someone OFF the dating page. When did we get clandestine? I don't believe that EVERYONE you've ever dated has dogged you thus you are now petrified to even meet people. It is such a fine balance trying to express interest but not fall over into the overzealous category. A couple of phone conversations that were as dead as elevator music - at least it is common knowledge that giving out your number for the most part these days does not equate stalking (thanks caller id).

There is a 'light' out there however, and I'm not trying to jinx it. I am so far enjoying his casual southern drawl and hearty laugh. He used the word 'mannish', lol I like that. That's all I'll say about that right now, maybe we'll step out the email and phone and see if the curosity is mutual.

Fly in the Ointment

Sometimes just because time moves it doesn't mean there has been any motion. You like to think that you are fine and that the past is the past and that the friendships you nuture and value are equal - but alot of times they are not. I like to think that I shouldn't have to give up anything or anyone in my life regardless of the circumstances of their departure and I feel quite sad when that happens. There has been a shift in me and 'mobettas' friendship. Noone understands why I have needed him in my life, least of all me. We are co-dependents to one another and that has been fine, but I feel like I'm trying hard to fly like a dove and he's constantly sitting like a buzzard - there's some unequality in the relationship and I think it came to a head. I have feelings about the past and he has issues about the future. I am welling up just trying to verbalize this. I might need to just let it go. I've said that for YEARS - - - to try to prove to yourself that you're wanted sometimes is a losing battle..I need to soar, I need to soar......Fantasia is singing to me "Free Yourself"

Posted by Pamalicious :: 7:38 PM :: 1 comments

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Sunday, May 08, 2005

Sunshine Monologue 9

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

FLOWERS FOR THE LADY!

I wanted to take a moment to wish all the Mothers that read my blog and all the mothers period a Happy Mothers Day.

Motherhood sometimes is sullied by images and situations unbecoming the first teacher of a child, but it still is a strong and necessary entity on this planet. From fish to man - we all got a momma and we should honor her.

Being a mother for me is one of the most intense experiences I have ever encountered! It can be joyous but it also can be wrought with doubt, fear and tears, however, it is something I wouldn't trade in for the world.

Mini-me is making me breakfast and probably presenting me with something sweet that she made. She gets fustrated that there is no one to take her to the store to purchase me anything and this year, I just didn't want to purchase myself something.

It's going to be nice today, so I want to get out the house. I wanted to have something special for dinner, so I bought some cornbeef that I'm going to cook up with some cabbage and enjoy.

Funny I was a mother yesterday and I will be a mother tomorrow, but today I want to be RECOGNIZED for being one.

So if you have a Mother or know a Mother who is handling her business, then make sure you recognize her, no it's nothing 'special', but it is something impressive!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 11:15 AM :: 2 comments

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Saturday, May 07, 2005

Sunset Monologue 36

The Mini-Me Edition

Mother/Daughter

I thought it fitting that the evening before Mother's Day, I devote the entry to Mini-Me. She is the reason, obviously, that I am a Mother and her entry into this world - changed a whole lot for me. I've had her on my own for 10 1/2 years now and we have a special relationship. We are two different personalities and live like roommates more than mother/daughter - but there is that line and that chain of command that is always in place. She is a cool person and at 11 is trying to carve out her own identity. I hope and pray that I'm setting a good example. I sometimes wonder how she really feels about her Father being deceased and whether or not later on in life that's going to have an impact on her as well as my lack of securing her another Father. We'll just have to see. I know one thing though, I love that little girl with everything in my being and I look forward to seeing her blossom into the woman I hope God blesses her to be.

Tween Shopping


Shopping with Mini-Me

Today I decided like alot of moms, to totally forfeit getting myself something nice in recognition of Mothers Day, to go summer shopping with Mini-Me. I had promised her last year that we would get things from a 'name brand' store in addition to the Thrift Store. Peer/Media pressure were kicking in and I knew how that felt. Back when I was 11, we went to Zayre's (Atlanta folks know bout this) and we got TWO OUTFITS and sneakers with the string holding them together, lol So I was getting ready to go down a long list of places we weren't going when she says "Mom I wanna go to JC Penny, everyone shops there" well of course I gave her the duh duh face. When did THEY become hip?!

So we get all cutied up in our denim skirts and sandal's, we both wanted to get some sun and we set off to the mall. Now in previous entries, I've spoken about my dislike of the mall, but this was for mini-me so I went.

2 1/2 hours later....I am TIRED of walking around one section of a store to find things for her to wear that are tasteful and within my budget. She's been back and forth to the dressing room several times and had two meltdowns over my refusal to let her wear the 'slinkier' outfits.

She's at that age where they need everything all the time. Nothing she had last year fits! We finally decide on a couple of things and I almost pass out as the cashier rings it all up.

I'm about to go to the car to put the bag in before we walk the mall and she is like "no mom, carrying the bag around shows you got something" so I handed it straight to her and we enter the main mall.

We walk from one end to the other when suddenly she turns into a 'Stepford Kid' and makes a beeline for Claire's - the crack for the tween generation. It is teeming with other little girls as earrings, rings, bracelets and other dollar store knick knacks shined up and over prices call their names. My daughter grabs the basket being held out to her and takes off. I try to stand in the doorway, but the steady stream of 11-15 year olds almost knocks me over, so I hover in the corner, wondering why the ring hand I saw at the dollar store is now $6.99. Mini-me gets a locket, a ring and a glittering initial necklace and goes to the register when she sees something else and grabs it a mother/daughter bracelet set. She says 'we can wear these tomorrow for Mothers Day" and tosses it in the basket. They ring up her order and she pays without my help and we are once again on our way. I made it out of Claire's alive. YES LORD!!

Next Stop, Shoe store. I know this is going to be a fight (and so far we hadn't had any) because she wears an adult size, so heels are calling her. I'm trying to get sandles and sneakers and come on out of there. She went in and kicked off her flip flops and made a beeline for a three inch heel. She put them on and began teetering gingerly towards me with a triumphant grin on her face "Mom these are cheetah print" I look at her little ankles and calf muscles clenched to keep from tipping over and just say "no" she begins to pout and goes and puts on an equally high pair of mules. We go back and forth thru 6 pairs and then I present her with what we are leaving the store with. She is swole by now and tries them on and whispers 'they fit'. I gather them up and move to the counter. A Pro at work!

It is now 6:00pm we've been out for about 5 hours! (see why I don't like mall shopping!) I look at the bags and Mini-Me delirious with happiness and even though I didn't get anything and I was tired as hell of the mall - I was glad I went.


Mini-Me's Heart A Flutter

We're walking in the grocery store doing a bit of shopping. I turn the corner and this VERY attractive Brother comes around the aisle. I look him dead in the eye and we smile and go about our way. I'm shopping and looking for the koolaid when we meet again and he says "all that sunshine outside and you're looking mean" I laugh and assure him that I wasn't mean, just trying to find the Koolaid. He says "good cause you too cute to be walking around all mean" I giggle and go about my way then I hear some more giggling and Mini-Me is looking at me "Mom did he flirt with you?" I told her yes and then much to my surprise "I wouldn't mind having him as my daddy" then she falls into a fit of giggles, red as a beet and does not gather her composure for about three aisles then goes "I hope we run into him again" I couldn't help but laugh, she was developing taste and what a taste she was developing, lol lol

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:14 PM :: 0 comments

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Thursday, May 05, 2005

Sunset Monologue 35

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

A Drank for the 5th of May

It is the 5th of May, commonly known by it's spanish translation of Cinco De Mayo! Now I'm not necessarily sure about the complete history of the day, but being the descendant of a former slave, I'm sure it ain't about no freeing of the Mexicans - so a drink is IN ORDER, to dull that pain!

I whipped up that little ditty above with some Pina Colada mix, strawberries, a bit of apple juice and water and a whole lotta Absolut. I got out my Hard Rock glass and had me a drink and some....chicken nuggets from the wing daddy. Not the best diet, but it works. Now I'm tipsy so who knows what I'll be talking about on this 5th of May, lol

Chatty Cathy aka Mini Me


Mini-Me is like a wind up doll, lol

Ah to be ll again. I can't remember alot of it, but I do know if I go back and read my diary (I still have it) that I was really a kid. I didn't have most of the stuff that is on the minds of todays 11 year olds on my mind. I was still very much into my Barbies and the torture my brothers gave me and I was in no way (whispering) developing. Well everyday now I am dealing with this creature known as Mini-Me but now known as Chatty Cathy, a very popular doll back in the day who could TALK. Mini-me is yapping away at a speed my old hears can't comprehend. From the time she gets in the car until I just exclaim "QUIET, please stop talking" - she is at it! Alot of it, well most of it (THANK GOD) is conversation I remember from that age and things I see coming from 'age appropriate' kids. Do I fit in? So and So doesn't like me, I need a bikini (NO) and things like that. It all starts to blend in together but I want to keep the lines of communcation open, because we all know what happens when we don't. She'll follow me around, just a yakking and since she comes from several generations of talkers, there's nothing I can do about that. I love me some mini-me to death, but I need some earplugs NOW!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 7:56 PM :: 1 comments

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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Sunset Monologue 34

It's Not Easy Being Green

At 38 (turning 39 in June) you would think that I'd be comfortable in my own skin, but sometimes....I'm not. I love me, I'm cool peeps, but to be quite honest sometimes I think I'm just not in the loop. It's like I'm standing around in a petticoat or something and the rest of the world is in Baby Phat and Sean John, lol

I have always carried my moral fiber around like a badge and there was a time where it was shined upon - I remember being the virgin popular girl in HS, Ms. ROTC, a Debutante - always rocking the finest of the fine on my arm and making a point that you can have fun and be popular and NOT be having sex. It was the times, lots of girls wern't having sex - it was the 'norm'.

Now at 38, I sometimes struggle with that. Not the not having sex part, but how to fit in in a world of non-commitment and casualness. How to interact with my peers and potential mates and not come across as fuddy-duddy, lame and corny. Sometimes even as adults, peer pressure (now disguised as media and society pressure) is alive and well.

Now I'm no saint and don't profess to be, but I do have an internal 'electric fence' you know the invisible ones that people put to keep their pets in line, lol I go as far as that fence will let me and then I get shocked. I can thank my parents for that one (they should rest assured they did a good job).

I sit in wonderment, even today listening to the women talk about this man and that man and this bootycall and that one and how their rent got paid and how He did such and such etc. Now I know good and damn well - I'm not trying to live my life like that - but they are having soo much fun, while I sit at home night after night convincing myself that my wit and my intelligence and the fact that I rock cute but not necessarily fine (by todays standards) is going to get me thru. My day is coming....HELLO I'M ALMOST 40!!!! Exactly, what's the hold up?!

Everytime I try to do the no attachment thing, I have some kinda 'issue', and I wonder about that, 'Mobetta' tells me "You're just not built like that, be you" Well ok, I'm not built like that - but sitting back here like Tara from Gone With The Wind" might not be the best way to be built either, lol I think of Bell Biv Devoe "Hip Hop smoothed Out on the R&B TiP" that's me, lol lol lol lol

I knew one day 'traditionalism' and 'oldfashionedness' was going to be replaced by the flash and glitter of........HELL and that HELL was made specifically to throw you off your path to HEAVEN. HELL is sooo alluring sometimes ya'll...so alluring when you sit around by yourself, with yourself to yourself.

THEN I think about Mini-Me and the fact that she adores me and looks up to me and is already forming strong images of how a woman should be from me, I'm shaping some of the way she's going to carry herself when she's out here in the world. Then I think of all the positive experiences I have had with men and women and how alot of people look up to me, for remaining true to myself even at great sacrifice and bouts of lonliness. Brothas like 'mobetta' and 'italy' finest of the fine, knowing what a firecracker I truly am, because THEY were really the ones true to the game and peeped what a gem I am.

Someone said I looked old today and someone else thought I looked a bit old fashioned and it kinda shook my ego for a minute - so I had to regroup and go to the place where I list all the reasons why I'm ME and I always end with paraphrasing Celie from "The Color Purple" I may be fat, I may not be a video hoochie, my shorts may not be one inch from my crotch but I'm HERE GOD!!!!

It ain't easy being green!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:41 PM :: 1 comments

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Monday, May 02, 2005

Sunset Monologue 33

I can see clearly now - the grass is gone!

He found two garden snakes! Yikes!

Can you believe it!! I came home today and almost drove past the house! I am so glad it's cut - I had to show the world!!!



Baby Fever


Who can resist?

A good friend of mine, who was is on maternity leave brought the baby up to the job today. Man you could feel the estrogen in that office as we all gathered around to look at the new life. She was just so precious! I looked at that tiny bit of life and reflected back on mini-me and the fact that for the most part my baby making days were over. I biologically can have another baby, but emotionally hmmmmm. I never rule it out because I haven't put a permanent end to the possibility so anything can happen, but I'd prefer that it didn't.

At that moment however, I wanted to have that little life looking to me, counting on me, needing me. Black babies especially are a site to feast upon. Just beautiful.

Alot of my no more babies stems from (1) Mini-me would PASS OUT! she claims she wants siblings, but she don't even know at her age (11) that would not be her favorite thing, lol and (2) pure selfishness. I've raised a child alone since she was six months old. If I were to obtain a permanent man, I'm not sharing him with no leeching baby!! He's MINE DAMMIT!!and I wanna roll with him. Besides he probably got some kids and add them to my child and walah WE GOT KIDS!!

So it was nice looking and cooing and smelling that fresh scent of new life, but uh...I felt my fallopian tubes sizzling as they BURNED SHUT!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:00 PM :: 4 comments

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Sunday, May 01, 2005

Sunset Monologue 32

You Crossed My Mind

The Comfort of a Man

I was sitting on the couch and Jill Scott's Video "Crossed My Mind" came on. As I sat there listening to her soothing voice (God she is just so feminine!) a sense of melancholy washed over me. I closed my eyes to fight the feeling. This Sunday nite it would have been nice to curl up on the sofa with 'him'. He would have thanked me for the great meal and after I cleaned the kitchen, invited me to sit with him to watch a movie, a game...whateva whateva. He would be laid back, his drink on the table. I would have my feet curled up behind his back. He's ask me to scratch his back and I would lift his white T-shirt up and run my nails lightly across it - his muscles reacting against his will to the relief of the scratch. I can smell his cologne which has faded over the day. I snuggle up under him; safe, secure, loved Jill he has crossed my mind.....tooo....Wherever 'He' is.

Call Me


Call Me if you need someone to talk to

Ever look at your phone and wonder why it's not ringing. It became painfully evident when I was out 'Janets' house this weekend. I call to check my messages and the electronic voice goes "you have 8 messages" Boy I almost fell over. I'm like Ok, I haven't given my number out - so this is interesting. If it were an emergency, I'm sure someone would have called me on my cell phone. So I punch in my code and IT IS 8 MESSAGES FOR MINI-ME!! Little girl voices full of D-R-A-M-A begging for a call back cause girl A said she no longer liked girl B and girl C needs to hear it from Girl A, lol lol I sat there listening to this and it dawned on me, I would be soon giving up the reigns and the phone to Mini-Me.

I so enjoy a well placed call from a brotha, lol Right before I'm going to sleep, early in the morning when he knows I'm trying to get dressed for work. 3:00 in the afternoon cause he knows I'm almost at my 'keebler' limit. Giggling in the dark before I drift off to sleep, plans and promises of when we see each other.

I sometimes roll thru my rolodex and think, "hey I should call some brothas I haven't spoken to in awhile, but if I"m not already in touch with you via email or instant message, I HATE reintroducing myself (because I rarely forget someone I've spoken to) so I don't call. I like to be pursued. If I've made my interest known, I'm not going to keep up the interest, it should be 50/50. I drifted off into that always calling, always being the one initiating conversation - uh thats not a cool place to be.


Personal Ad Comedy

• Pictures where the old woman is cut out so there are 'floating hands'
  
• Requesting a Pen Pal and there's nothing on your page - hmmm don't penpals write?
  
• The following words: Honesty, Open Minded, Care Free, married,no drama
  
• Baby Pictures instead of recent pictures
  
• little bitty pictures
  
• Black Art
  
• One Word emails
  
• Asking for a phone number and no names have been exchanged
  
• NEVER Responding
  
• Shirtless when a shirt is desperately needed
  

Baby Daddy of the Week


Been Watching "The Best Man"

Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:55 PM :: 0 comments

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---------------oOo--------------- Sunshine Monologue 8

Chillin in the cut edition

Getting my Relax ON!

Scalloped, Mashed, Baked...it's still Couch Potato

What is it about Sundays that just make you want to shut down? From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed on Sundays it's all about relaxation. Even if I am out the house - it needs to be non-taxing.

Currently it's mid-afternoon and I am puttering around the house in my PJ's just enjoying my own vibe. I have only one subject on my mind for the blog and it's a doosey so let me give some commentary on.......



That Big Lottery...On Line Dating Sites, lol


Jockeying for Position

If you are on the net - at some point you've at MINIMUM perused the Online Personals Sites. It's like a right of passage - especially if you are single (and this depends on what your definition of single is, lol). I'm an old pro at the medium and I come and go based on how I feel. I haven't been on any sites in almost six months, it just got tiring and I've spoken about it on my page at some point and time...well my guard is down and I joined a site Monday (I know, I know - don't fuss at me, we all slip back into old habits sometimes). So now it's Sunday and I guess it's going alright. I'm not overly impressed.

I usually come in and scope the lay of the land. Then since I usually PAY at least one month - I intend to get my monies worth, I go thru and talk to EVERY Brotha who has caught my visual fancy. I always find it odd that anyone would come on a dating site and decide there are 'unapproachables' - who are you? So what you think you fine and fit and the list goes on with the superlatives dating sites give you - guess what? I think that too and just like you might think you're a good catch, well I think so to - so why wouldn't I write you?

I look for certain things as I'm looking around. I want to 'see' your arrogrance and your personality. Dull pictures with dull faces don't cut it. Look like you don't have issues and baggage etc, even if you do, we all do. I do look at religion because if you have floating crosses and other indicators that you are very much into your religion and it's not my religion, then why go there? I see the fork in the road already, lol. I look to see if you've written ANYTHING! To come on a page and don't have anything; no picture, no words is like HUH?! I look to see if you're my 'type' now I might not be your type but this is me looking - you look second, lol It's a crap shoot but out of 10 guys I write two or three might answer.

I'm not forward, you won't be receiving any message from me that drips with sexuality and what not. You might recieve something lightly flirtatious, which I usually send to Brothas out of town,lol I just gotta let them know "The Blackman is alive and well on this planet" LOL LOL. If you don't have a shirt on or something, I am going to ask you why? If you have an entire diatribe about what you are NOT looking for etc. I want you to expound. That's just how I am. I want to TALK! Establish a 'connection' sometimes I'm not interested in you in that way - I still want to TALK because you said something interesting etc.

I treat it like a bar or a party and I want to mingle. I am usually disappointed if we share some good convo and then you stop talking to me. I like to keep in touch with people who I've had good conversation with. Alot of people are just professional dating sites participants. The sheer thought they would have to actually meet a person and interact with a person scares them shitless. I have had great conversation with people and given my number and they back away - which is a clear sign that if we were to go out - before I got home they would be home back on the site.

Dating on line has got to be as fustrating as trying to win the lottery. You play your 'numbers' and hope that you win. You get 2 sometimes, sometimes 3 but the payout doesn't even exist till you hit 4 or over. You never play it straight because life is adjustable so you always make sure any combination of your numbers can win. Sometimes you even ditch your 'usual' numbers and try something new, something hot, something current. You see all those numbers turning and turning in that big clear bin, and look longingly wondering "Is it my turn to win?" It's all a gamble and take solace in the fact that your odds are probably better WINNING THE LOTTERY! Don't take the online thing too seriously, remain true to yourself and let THAT be what shines thru. There are so many pennies these days the dimes are lost in all that copper. Don't allow the pennies to thru you off, just continue to use thier reside to make yourself shine! You'll be seen...You'll be seen.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 2:01 PM :: 0 comments

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