ThE EmAnCiPaTiOn oF pAmMiE

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Sunset Monologue 121

Who's Your Daddy?



Blog Musical Mood: Remember The Time - Michael Jackson





Coming at cha from this dump! LOL

Hmm,if your day starts off with you accidently flushing your watch down the toilet - it can only go up from there right? Have you ever seen something so trifling on the TV that you get guilty in your home? Trading Spouses this evening had the laziest woman in America, I got up and no lie (outside of the computer room) straightened up my house! Damn! I gotta NOT be associated with that broad.

The wait until I can see if I saw some things that Rod saw on Noah's Arc tonite is long and fitful,lol. So Bre and Nik are still in the running to become America's Next Top Model; I hope that Tyra is stacking the deck to favor
African American women, but I think Opie's Sista is going to win. I wouldn't mind Tyra doing an all male version. That one they had on Bravo SUCKED! As well as, do I dare say it? Nigel is.....OF COLOR. Now can I exhale and say - yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm - I'm rambling, there is an actual 'entry' up in here somewhere...OHHHHHHHH

The Following Entry is Rated MA - for Mature Audiences Only

"You Fucking Bitch, You Fucking Whore" - a memorable episode of Sex and the City. Ole Boy couldn't get off without exlaiming this at the point of orgasm. I remember "Mobetta" and I having a spirited conversation about this, lol. Ahh the language of....sexual ownership. We all know the routine: Who's is it? and my personal favorite (NOT) Who's Your Daddy?.

There sure are alot of questions in sex, lol. The one's of ownership are funny because out in the open they have taken on a measure of comedy when alot of us know behind doors - there's alot of YOURS DADDY going on,lol. Gotta keep up the I am an Independent albiet evil woman so IT'S MINE however out in the street.

Personally, I find the whole incidence of claiming parental rights unnerving. Now if you didn't have a father - then I can surely understand how that can be comforting and slightly fulfilling and is probably a necessary component in balancing the scales (since no woman will readily admit to submissiveness) However, for me that ain't it. Having had such a strong father figure in my life, I have trouble assigning that to my man. I cringe at the notion that I have to succumb to calling a man I'm screwing...Daddy.

If you are open to the 'games fuckers play', then there are other ways to get that off. Personally, I need an element of hooker/whore in my mix. Sprinkle in some Ike and Tina and I'm yah girl, lol. Some of the best games played involved a "mobetta" Ike and his very own Anna Mae Bullock, lol. These games must take place out the bedroom however. Yelling Anna Mae Bullock - fix me a sandwich; would just get me to tingling. Ahh yes Ike.

Another quite arousing instance is proving to be the 'bottom bitch' The fantasy of dreaming, organizing and executing a plan that labels you the ultimate broad in the stable - can be a great turn on! Allowing your man to rock your head (and other various spots) with praise for being that B.B, but urging you to do better is foreplay at it's best. My role was to be the best 'hooker' I could be - and I enjoy that role. It's all about not who's my daddy but a taming of the situation 'is it good to yah?' 'you like this don't cha?' 'come on and give it to me I can take it?' The role of the 'hooker' is to make him feel like a King.

I've joked for YEARS that I need my men to be from the "Teddy Pendergrass School of Macking" COME HERE WOMAN! TAKE IT OFF! TURN OUT THE LIGHTS! lol lol.

Mind games are ALWAYS the best games - if you find one that stimulates your mind and the man has earned the right to have the key to that part of you then it can be on some other level. However, it does need to be sincere. All men can't (and shouldn't) try to play this role. The men who successfully play these roles are so arrogrant in their own right, that it is convincing that you should be Tina the Happy Beginning Hooker, lol. This is their ego stroke.

Some men need to feel that whole 'Daddy' thing, because they need the little girl in you to validate the Big Daddy in them. Coming from a scenario in my life where I was so encased in glass - the Daddy thing (though I can play it for awhile) rises up rebellion in me,lol. Because the package I come in is a full length cloak of 'good girl' - the way to spice it up is not to present 'triggers' that encourage that.

Now each man and each relationship can (and hopefully will) present it's own set of 'characters' - some relationships are devoid of characterizations - YAWN! I'm a Gemini to the fullest, put me thru some mental gymnastics why don't cha, lol.

Hmmm, I think I might have added another layer to that which is PAmMiE


And before I go....What do we have here? Caption this will yah....I'll start yah off....




Johnathan I don't know how you did it dawg?

Now Star you KNOW I can't get it up unless you turn around.

I'm missing Noah's Arc for this!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:44 PM :: 4 comments

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Sunset Monologue 120

I Don't Wanna Grow Up



Blog Musical Mood: Shake Your Pants - Cameo

I want to say

HELLO

to the 275+ people that have breezed thru my little spot on the web today!! WOW! Ok, as well as a heartfelt smooch (no tongue) to Rod 2.0. A brotha mentioned a sistas and I got hopefully some new readers. I don't advertise my blog anymore - to many haters, I just hope that as people read and put me under their favorites others will find me like I found them :) Again, I hope some of you stop back thru Wow! is all I can say - I feel so blogtacular this evening!


Hmmm, as I was pondering the fact I had Eighty Seven Cents in Checking and Twenty-Three Cents in Savings - I got upset. Not because once again my money is screwed, but because I've been duped. I wanna know right this phucking second - exactly

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT BEING AN ADULT!


If I had of known the shit that I know now, I would have turned right the hell around and went right back inside the canal.

I've toiled it around in my head - all the years you spend itching to be 'grown' to do what you damn please etc. etc. etc. I must be at that point of adulthood, that pivitol point where lightening flashes, the sea parts and there stands....YO MOMMA! who by the way is laughing hysterically.

Every morning I get up and expect to be called to breakfast, to have it already cooked, my ironing already done - not have some kid swinging from my fallopian tubes begging for shit 24/7. I just grab my books and hop my ass to school, or it's the weekend and I can just sleep till 2 in the afternoon, get up cut on some Mike J. and watch TV and read all at the same time.

The only mail I get be my Right On and Black Beat Magazine and the only phone calls I get are from FRIENDS!

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - I gotta be an adult. I'm damn near 40 and I don't want to be - what the hell is that about?! I can't even fake like I'm young anymore; all the phuck up's I got going on I gotta take full responsiblity for.


This Nugga Hea is about to be my dating pool! Whaaa 5 years from Viagra? Ain't no Denzel's in my neck of the woods, lol. This Decaytah Baby!!

All this pressure! Fix this, buy that, cook this, iron that, pay this, work these many hours, suck this - GET OFF MY BACK!!

Adulthood is not liberating, it's an electrical fence around HELL!!!!!!!

So what I can drink, drive (sometimes at the same time), Screw and Screw up my credit, have a place of my own to live by my damn self. I'm still not seeing the PLUSES!!

As of right this second I'd rather be sitting getting fussed at about not finishing my homework than the shit I got to deal with on the daily.

I now envy Mini-Me and want to go in there and drop kick her as she listens to her MP3 player without nary a care in her 12 year old world, lol.


This rant was brought to you by an

overworked,
overemotional
underpaid
undersexed

ADULT!!!!!




Proof that it ain't all it's cracked up to be - someone told her THIS was cute:


Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:23 PM :: 6 comments

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Monday, November 28, 2005

Sunset Monologue 119

He's Just Not that Into you



Blog Musical Mood: 1980's R&b - Yahoo Launchcast

Ok, right off the bat, I am LOVING this station, lol lol. You know we all got our comfort zones and apparently the 80's is mine. This was a good investment. Sooo I puttered around the house today, looked at some TV, surfed the net for a little porn (whew haven't done that in a lonnnnng while) and just kinda hung out with myself. Wasn't bored or anything, even though I have spent ALOT of time with myself over the course of the holiday weekend. Review time is coming up at my job and I did my self-assessment today...........I'm sure that's like looking in a fun house mirror. Something is wrong with my mouse - it's not catching and I'm having a hard time manipulating my cursor - maybe my mouse pad has lost it's grip, I have had it since Mini-me was whaaa....four, lol.


So I wanted to make sure I followed up on yesterday's entry and touch on the book I read. "He's Just Not That Into You". I do encourage the ladies (like I did) to make you some index cards and put these little tidbits on it.

Now before I do all this typing (lol) let me say that these things are NOTHING NEW and WE KNOW THESE THINGS - yet I was taught that in 'repeat means everything' so here they are - some affirmations about just how special you should think you are.


  • Men are not afraid of 'ruining the friendship'

  • Don't get tricked into asking him out, if he likes you, he'll do the asking

  • If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will

  • Hey let's meet at so and so's party/any bar/friends house is NOT a date

  • Men don't forget how much they like you - so put down the phone

  • You are good enough to be asked out

  • If he is not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind

  • Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do

  • If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs

  • Busy is another word for 'asshole' "Asshole" is another word for the guy you're dating

  • You deserve a fucking phone call

  • Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. "i don't want to be in a serious relationship" truly means "I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you" or "I'm not sure you're the one" (sorry)

  • There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he's your boyfriend.

  • People tell you who they are all the time, When a man says he can't be monogamous, you should believe him

  • There's someone out there that does want to have sex with you

  • If he only wants to see you, talk to you, have sex with you when he's inebriated, it ain't love - it's sport

  • You deserve to be with someone who doesn't have to get loaded to be around you

  • Doesn't want to get married and Doesn't want to get married to you are very different things. Be sure about which category you fall under.

  • If you don't feel like you're rushing, why are you waiting?

  • There's a guy out there who wants to marry you

  • Break up sex still means you're broken up

  • Cut him off. Let him miss you

  • He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great

  • There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend

  • No Answer IS your answer

  • Don't give him the chance to reject you again

  • Sure he might be laying in the hospital in a coma, but more than likely the reason he disappeared is because he's just not that into you

  • Unless he's all yours - he's still hers

  • Life is difficult enough without choosing someone difficult to share it with

  • You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time (you have to be nice to them too)

  • You already have one asshole. You don't need another

  • Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve



Now remember - a MAN wrote this book. The female co-writer adds a very important element from a female perspective on why these tidbits are not so 'cut and dry'. Now if you would rather spend time looking in the book for the loopholes - that's on you, but I just wanted to pass along some things that could help any of us hanging on to our baby's daddy, our Heroes, Our Mobettas and all the various scenarios we get in for the name of love.....

Posted by Pamalicious :: 11:00 PM :: 4 comments

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Sunday, November 27, 2005

Sunset Monologue 118

Mobetta Speaks/Next Lifetime



Blog Musical Mood: 70's Soul on Yahoo Music

I hate when you have to put in holiday vacation time in advance. Anticipating a house full of people for four days, I took off Monday to 'recouperate' - well seeing as that didn't happen - I still have Monday off. Now a good slave would just go on in - but fuck that! I'm going to stay off and do some things around the house etc. I have more than enough days left this year. I took the time to chart out Mini-Me's travel plans for winter break (these are important). I got them solidified with my moms and I'll be purchasing her tickets Friday. Hmm bout 14 days at the end of the year to run amok in Atlanta.......


Well As the title suggests this is about to get D-E-E-P. Might as well start the week off right. I don't subscribe to the 'things happen in three's' philosophy because it's pulled from the Christian belief process of the Trinity - therefore it doesn't necessarily work for me; however over the past couple of weeks some interesting things have happen. Three things that have brought me to this entry. First Quest 4 Love found the courage and strength to let go of Hero (and it's going to be a journey, but she took the first step); Second, I received a note from "MoBetta" and with his permission I will post it below and Third, I read this book "He's Just Not That Into You" Let me tell you that was a PAINFUL book to read and it was suppose to be 50% satire, well it made my head hurt and I'll be sharing with you tomorrow these pearls of wisdom.

So without further Adieu, MoBetta Speaks....to me:


The Emancipation of Pammie....what a great name for your blog. When I first met you, you were very reserved and introverted. Instantly I noticed a gift for communication and you were very open minded.

Over years you have continued to grow and evolve. I think our relationship, though very unorthodox, shows that with alot of communication, a strong bond can be formed.

We are true friends in every since of the word. We pick each other when we are down. We tell the truth about each other mistakes and pitfalls. We are each other biggest cheerleader and biggest critics. Even though we have physically not seen each other in years, the mental and spiritual bond is strong as ever.

Sometimes I wonder, if we became totally committed to each other, if somehow it would distort our relationship. But we are committed as true friends and that should be the basis of any great relationship.



Noww, you can stop the ahhhhs, because YES these are very kind words to say and anyone would be proud to have someone think of them this way - HOWEVER, when it's LOVE you want from a person - this is equivalent to Hot Grits. This my friends is a 'dear pam' letter.

Five years on and off of my life I have given this energy. It's time for me to unlock my heart out of it's self imposed prison and allow it to be captured by someone else - someone who wants it. It became so convenient to fight for a fantasy than deal with the possiblity of some reality.

Now Mobetta will probably argue to the end about this but 'He's just not that into me' I deserve more - just based on this affirmation of what type of person I am that HE GAVE ME. He can't give me anything else and I can't keep trying to get what he just doesn't have to give.

So I'm going to let it go, I am officially freeing all fantasy of us being some dynamic couple, of romance, of him moving heaven and earth to be with me because he loves me. He has told me the nature of our relationship and I'm going to accept that. I did this privately a couple of nights ago and I feel so refreshed - yet very scared. I had gotten so out of the loop, I don't want to make a mistake, but you know what - a real life mistake is going to be better than the calculated heartbreak I've continuously set myself up for. So I'm ready!!!!! Break out the India Arie CD cause "I'm Ready for Love" just be gentle with a sista, lol lol lol

And as if the Heavens were listening "Neither One Of Us" comes on the Yahoo Launch....

Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:45 PM :: 6 comments

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Friday, November 25, 2005

Sunset Monologue 117

Prescription For Disaster



Blog Musical Mood: Superstar - Floetry


'Eat leftover Thanksgiving every 4-6 hours and call me on Monday - when you lethargic and backed up from all that starch' - Talk about following these orders, lol. I'm definitely already on my last leftover leg. It's different when there are family and friends around you so there is eating and activity, but the pure definition of sloth is Thanksgiving Leftovers, lol.

After wha.....10 hours of television and that much food, I am totally on brain fry. Now I'm thinking that the rest of the blog world is also on a fast slope to food overdose, but lo and behold some folks got were eating stuffing laced with ginkgo babola, lol. After reading The Phat Lady Sings followed immediately by ManNmotion - I was like Awwww Helll - they don got the old wires back sparking and God did I need it!

I feel like I want to add the third part of this what 'seems' to be chapters of a thought process - I'll title mines.....

Personal Hypocrisy

You know what that is, the action of 'saying' 'writing' 'debating' and 'expounding' on principals that sound real good, but that you may not actually follow. Man touched upon this -

As women (and as men, but I try not to speak for men - there are enough that will break it down for you,lol) we have a longgg list of things we won't put up with and a short concise list of things we welcome with a smile and open arms when it comes to relationships. Especially for the under 30 set (they scare me sometimes,lol).

Once you hit 30, the list starts to switch a bit and you begin the first phase of reevaluating all of your 'fantasy' and you add a bit of the no's to the yes pile. Now once you hit 35, you really start to look around and realize that the reality is a whole different ballgame than your best fantasy - so the list moves again and you keep some golden ones on your no list; because afterall, you do have to have standards.

At 40 the joke list includes: BREATHING, UPRIGHT, ERECTION AT LEAST TWICE A MONTH, lol. However, in your private moments, that shit is a bit accurate than we like to admit, lol.

Now emotionally - some things start to change as well. Depending on what road you have traveled, at various times you begin to examine your ever changing emotional needs. In your 20's it's all about remind me how fine I am, present me with gifts on a regular basis and blow my back out in admiration of me, lol. The 30's are about validate me as a mate, make sure the world knows that you have picked me as a wife/mother and read up on how to start connecting with me emotionally. Though I'm only 39, I am studying and feeling what I believe the 40's are going to be about and funny but it seems it's all about filling voids; feed my mind, my soul, my body things that you neglect sometimes throughout your life.

So what does all this have to do with Personal hypocrisy? Well alot of us consistently say 'we know what we want?' but if you ask a brotha - he will say without skipping a beat 'we don't know what the hell we want'. I have been guilty of this, I will sit up and sing from the rafters about how wonderful the blackman is and go on and on about they all this and that - but I have not talked to many a brother (who might have been good for me) based on stuff like: He's to heavy, he got to many kids, he got to many bills, he talk to Southern, etc. etc. etc.

The difficult part is how to hold on to your 'personal preferences and beliefs' but not use them to keep you from experiencing life and love. To exclude a person for say 'they didn't buy me a big enough ring' or 'we can't go to the Bahamas' sounds cold, but it sounds even colder coming out the mouth of a person, who a minute ago says they want someone 'to be there for them and their kids' - and you know for a fact that he's set them up in a nice house, he goes to all Jrs' games etc. but she kicking him to the curb about 'that personal hypocrisy'.

All of us run into it at some point and time in our lives, when we come face to face with what we have been running around telling everyone and usually it's not in the package with all the bells and whistles that we want it in. We see it in other people and it usually starts a conversation that begins "how did she end up with HIM?" You know we have pages and pages of that conversation on just about every black site about....Janet and Jermaine Dupree as a prime example. Are these so-called 'odd couples' actually the ones in the winners circle? Are they the ones who have hit that level of understanding about their needs, wants and desires and they have become more important than their 'preferences'.

Now I'm not saying that if you prefer a sense of humor and it comes in the package of a crack addict, you should go for that (lol), but at some point as we trapeze around with the self appointed 'got it going on crew' be it a woman or a man, we are going to have to look at what is EMPTY inside of us and start to rate folks on if they fulfill that.

I HATE being a hypocrite, so I'm really going to work on that. Now I'mma tell ya'll up front the short man situation is not going to work itself out (sorry), but when I run into the brotha that is willing to 'feel' for me and 'connect' with me and 'bond' with me, make time for me and need/want me when he not only is feeling bad but when he's feeling good and I start hearing 70's soul music for no apparent reason - then I'm not going to be a hypocrite.......



Sooo, I am probably late and I need to hip Rod 2.0 to this one, but um - why is Trey Songz sounding 'kinda nice' on that song of his "Gotta Go". I have to keep an underage "MetrosexualPlayPlayThug" in my back pocket and since I've kicked Omarion out, I think Trey will do just nicely....


I went ahead and got me a 7 day trail of Yahoo Launchcast. I am going to keep it though, because I do listen to it. I wanted NO COMMERCIALS bad! They have a category called 'booty talk' LOL LOL I can get my Crunk fill when I want, lol lol.

And FINALLY as the holidays approach don't forget the needy:


Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:11 PM :: 4 comments

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Thursday, November 24, 2005

Sunset Monologue 116

Pass Me A Pillow



Blog Musical Mood: Everybody - The Jacksons

Well - Thanksgiving 2005 is ova! "She" didn't show up (I didn't think she had the capacity to) So it was just Mini-Me and I. I'm stuffed, she's stuffed - I've already taken my nap and so tonite it's just a regular nite for us, followed by a regular weekend......enjoy the pictures! On some level - I think these pictures are more alluring about my capabilities than any beaver shot I could post, lol lol














Posted by Pamalicious :: 7:02 PM :: 2 comments

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Sunshine Monologue 62

Get Your Gobble On!!



Blog Musical Mood: "What Would I do" - Kindred



In Celebration of Giving Thanks - I'm blessing you with an audio blog! Enjoy!


this is an audio post - click to play


Posted by Pamalicious :: 7:30 AM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Sunset Monologue 115

Back That Thang Up



Blog Musical Mood: It's A Family Affair - Sly and the family stone



Well due to the fact that my niece and nephew did so poorly on their report cards (which included for both of them 2 F's a piece) My brother effectively CANCELLED Thanksgiving - so my table settings went from 13 to.....3 - except I bought food for 13!!

But I won't let that phase me - we still thankful! Refroze the piece of meat - Have started the water to blanch and freeze half the fresh stringbeans I bought and It's still ONNNN up in here!

However, I had this nervous energy because my meal size has been so reduced I can do it all in one day. So I boiled my potatoes and cooked my macaroni noodles but otherwise I've kinda sat around today. I don't even have to do a level one cleaning, lol lol.

In the meantime - the festivities have started in Studio S (which is what I call Mini-Me's room) - the joys of childhood!

Take yah time baby - you got PLENTY of time to be grown!!


Posted by Pamalicious :: 11:33 PM :: 1 comments

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Sunshine Monologue 61

Not Even Full Yet



Blog Musical Mood: Uptown - Prince


Today marks the beginning of the only holiday, I'll be getting revved up for this year. SHOUT OUT TO THE INDIANS!! I'm quite relaxed this morning despite my plans piling up in the toilet - I'm just waiting to see if I need to flush. No matter - Mini-me and I are still quite thankful and I'll be throwing down anyway!

I had totally forgot (which means ALOT coming from me) that the American Music Awards were on and when I turned on I thought it was the comedy awards. I see 3 foot bow wow and 3'11 foot Omarion doing their thing and then here comes 4'11 Jermaine Dupree and Kelly from Destiny's Child looking as tall as Shac or something - I (based on my humor points, lol) just found all of that HILARIOUS!!

I heard the presenter list and then the singing list and was like HUH. Then when Will Smith won - it's a wrap. Dick Clark IS making a slow recovery, because his memory is not quite up to par.

I wonder when mainstream award shows lost their luster. I guess singers etc. now just want the money and damn the recognition. So these shows are struggling. Well not the BET award show - which is interesting - is there some kinda statement quietly being made? I'll have to think on that.

Why did I want to change aisles at the grocery store when in the man's cart in front of me were 3 boxes of mini-pads and three tubes of jock itch medication? WTF?!

My goal was to NOT check my work email - another dream deferred.

Black Friday is looming and for the 8th year in a row - I don't have nothing for em man! DAMN! Next year - I'm going to be in a much better financial place and totally try to take advantage of the sales. The only saving grace I have is that I do get a couple of things in the after Christmas sales.

Mini-me has alot coming up and that should keep me busy. She has her orchestra performance and they will be performing at a couple of malls in the area. The teacher approached me at PTA the other day and raved about how quickly she picked up the instrument and wants to work with her a bit more because she could go and play with the High School - WHAAAA?! This girl, this girl - I would turn myself into the police if I did not help, nuture and guide her to explore all that she has to offer the world.

The Job Formal is coming up. I need to see if I can still wear my reunion dress and get it altered a bit if not. Some of us are going. I'm still iffy - but I did turn in my invite.

The next 'toy' I want to get (hahaha - I need to replace that one as well) is a new cell phone. I'm with the METRO and I got my phone a lonnng time ago - thus I basically am talking in a tin can, lol lol. I'm going to upgrade to a camera phone which should certainly make the blog interesting, cause you get unlimited pictures with the Metro. Say what you will, but they got it going on!

Well since this is OBVIOUSLY just a die hard "I'mma Blog Dammit" entry - I'm going to let it go. I'll be back this evening with the beginning of the Thanksgiving entries - of course complete with pictures.

Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:41 AM :: 2 comments

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Monday, November 21, 2005

Sunset Monologue 114

Opps I threw the baby out too



Blog Musical Mood: Heaven - Kem

Whew! Ok, how do you rip 200+ songs and stay stuck on one? Kem's song is KILLING ME!! Are these emotions only WRITTEN by Brothers and never experienced in a first hand way? How can a feeling so deep as love not be something on a man's immediate plate? I'm angry and don't even know who to be angry with - because my man is in pain as well. I read blog after blog after blog and there is such an emptiness both male and female, gay or straight as we try to get that void in our life filled. Who can I blame for this? I surely didn't create this all by myself. What is it a black woman can do so that a blackman can begin to explore FEELING again? Such weight I tell yah, such weight.

Ok so why is the wind whipping up in this piece. I hear loose branches falling on the house. I just hope one doesn't land someplace and come on inside. I got $32 till next Friday and that's promised to someone, lol Damn!

Ever been sitting in your car chewing gum like you are in a competition with a cow - look over and "hello I'm fine" is sitting in the next car, lol lol You try to overcorrect and bite your damn tongue - well of course you can add this with my falling off the commode story - just a day in the life of Pam!

I was watching Boomerang this weekend as well (decided to visit Eddie when he was actually looking like Johnny Gill, lol) and I fell out laughing when Eddie quit Lela Rochon because her feet were messed up. It got me to thinking (and yes this is a 180 from the above wailing paragraph but don't you love having that option) - that we all have a list of things that basically are throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's funny what we will deal with and some of the crazy stuff we won't. Nobody can tell us we are off our rocker either.

I decided to have some fun this evening my dear friends and run down some of my toplines's keep me single, that equal that for me.


  • When I was 12 I read in Right On! Magazine that Michael Jackson was 5'9 1/2 and I vowed before God and Cynthia Horner the editor in chief of the magazine that I would never be so silly as to date a man who was shorter than Michael Jackson - 27 years later - I've grown - I date men 5'9, lol lol lol.

  • The following sentences might not send me packing: I'm in the process of looking for a new job or My car situation is a bit rough right now - BUT THE FOLLOWING is a no go - "I love the pig girl. I eat every part on that bad boy, you just haven't tried it yet" Ok - it's 2005 most black folks have come up out the slave quarters and at minimum eat 'high on the hog' but if you telling me that you would beat big momma down for the last pig feet - then all I see is pot liquor on your lips and now I'm sick!

  • Corn Rows, Plaits, pony tails, gold teeth, earrings in both ears

  • I have had some baddd experiences with former residents of the state of Mississippi - I'll be sending you all copies of the Emancipation Proclamation - damn we's free now!!

  • Well You People and They should and Look at Them - no bro look at YOU

  • Specifically for the internet crowd: Age 40+ Name: Tonguelasher, dyckudown,kittyliker69,doitallnite - please close my page now!

  • Male guts - yea I gots a tire - but you shouldn't have one - I need inspiration not reason to cook

  • If a brother is having a hard time explaining to me (when it's appropriate) why he's not in his children's lives - you probably won't keep my attention long - unless they are in the witness protection program - he needs to be making them a priority

  • Overzealousness about white folks - You don't have to be quoting Malcolm, but say SOMETHING to let me know you ain't just overjoyed to be in their club - I understand white collar executive etc. etc. but let me see some inner Shaka



Well those are a few things that I will just disqualify you for, lol.

I thought about if I were out on the boards again - what would I say - how would I weed out the riff raff and possibly meet someone who sparked my interest - because that ball is in my court, here is what I came up with:

A Normal Everyday Ordinary Sista

I'm intelligent, savvy, short, funny witty and yes I'm plump and cute

Not gay or bi and not interested in either

Not Christain - I believe in God and am God Fearing; NOI is where my foundation lies, spiritual not religious is where my head is at - I don't do Xmas, Easter, Church, Whitemen or Pork.

I am a work in progress (traveling with carry on's and not trunks and uhauls of baggage), but if my work would be a hinderance or a burden to your journey (since you do have it all together) - I understand

Sorry I'm not interested in rounding out you and your wife or girlfriends relationship - it's disrespectful and I don't contribute to the breakdown of the black family.

Not sure if I'm trying to catch, but I'm totally single.

If the conversation is interesting - I'd love to chat.

OK OK - Back to the drawing board (though I think this would turn some personal ad site upside down, lol)

Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:00 PM :: 9 comments

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Sunday, November 20, 2005

Sunset Monologue 113

Stormy Weather - Scattered Debris of my Mind



Blog Musical Mood: Heaven - Kem

Dreary, Rainy, Wet, Miserable November day here in Decatur. A chill in the air perfect for some kinda stew, soup etc. So that's just what I did, Chicken Stew all up in here and some nice warm cornbread. Tummies: 1, Heart: 0. Good weekend though, Mini-me got her hair done for the first time and I got my do did, Saturday we ran all around getting Thanksgiving after my brother in law confirmed they were all coming down. I'm starting to get excited about the whole shin dig. I am looking forward to all the LIFE up in my home. I can't wait to get to cooking.


You know when I first sat down here this evening, I was all set to bemoan my latest freefall from that which is "Mobetta", except for one thing - this ain't nothing new and I already KNOW the answer! So typing out rhetorical questions is just fustrating. This is like the game sorry - you almost make it to homebase and he bumps you back to start. His game is so succulent and divine that he doesn't even have to lie - he fucks you up with the truth, that way you have no argument, you just go back to your corner and lick your wounds. I need some new conversation......

I think that I should more focus on, why do I allow the best of me, to go to brothas who don't even know how to appreciate it, who see nothing wrong with not claiming it for themselves and who are incapable of giving me the best of them back. Now there's some shit to work on.

Did "Italy" decide he had such an erection, thinking of me, he got a headache, BEFORE or AFTER I told him he held the distinction of being the only man I've slept with this year? Go figure. I told him that if I finish out the year with this status - I'd send him a certificate - I'll be sure to show it to you all, lol.

SO ANYWAY - -

Mannn - the MP3, I tell yah. I got 215 songs on there and basically I'm done (leaving room for anything new). I filled it up a couple of times and I think it only holds 250 (MP3's) instead of the 500 it touted on the box (which probably would work if I used WMA files). Here is a sorta breakdown of what I'm jamming, lol

*Best of Boys II Men = 14 songs
*Classic Slow Soul = 13 songs
*Funky Disco Pop = 11 songs
*Hot Now = 3 songs
*Hood = 6 songs (u know this includes Whoop That Trick, lol)
*Neo Soul = 4 songs
*Neo Sistas = 20 songs
*Neo Brothas = 12 songs
*The Best of New Edition (Adult) = 19 songs (incl BBD etc)
*Prince = 20 songs
*Straight R&B = 16 songs
*Slow Jams = 7 songs
*The Jacksons = 30 songs
*Michael Jackson = 30 songs
*Emergency Mike = 5 songs (this batch that calms my nerves IMMEDIATELY)


I also caught a couple of mini-series this weekend. First, mini-me and I caught the end of
"Mama Flora's Family" this movie holds a special place with us because....mini-me was in it. A scout picked her off the street and she was paid scale for two days filming in LeGrange Georgia. She even had her own half a trailor, lol. She had the honor of playing Mario Van Peobles Grand daughter and is featured several times in the last 15 minutes of the film (she's the little girl in the red checkerboard skirt). She has four scenes in the movie; when Queen Latifah goes to meet Mario and his family at the airport - when they get to Mama Flora's house - Cecily bends down and kisses her, next she is featured when they are playing ball and finally she is sitting right in front of Cecily when they take the family portriat right at the end. It was ALOT of fun and I got to meet Mario, Queen Latifah, Cecily Tyson and Blair Underwood. I like to say I 'slept' with him because we were sitting chatting on a fake house porch and he said he needed to catch a few minutes of sleep and he fell asleep right next to me on the porch swing. Lawd have mercy!! now what was funny was that you know they shoot movies out of sequence - so it wasn't until we were all sitting watching it on TV that we discovered that Mario's character was Muslim, lol lol How funny is that? Good Time, Good Time.


Then I happen to run across this movie called "Beulah Land" Let me tell you there is nothing better than a good slave mini-series for a sunday afternoon, lol. When keebleers get to tellin on themselves (or in this case fantasing about the land where coloreds and whites live harmoniously on the plantation)it's a hoot!

Well I only am working 1 1/2 days this week, taking some more of my 18 days of vacation I have left.

I wonder how long this time.......I wonder if our Peaches and Herb moment will never come to fuition...I wonder....I wonder....

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:30 PM :: 5 comments

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Friday, November 18, 2005

Sunset Monologue 112

Back to the Future



Blog Musical Mood: Things I Do For You - The Jacksons

Hmmmm - as of today, I've been to the Dekalb Cty Jail three times - ahh what a feeling to have the inmates hollaring cat calls at me from the slits in the building; you know I'm just gonna take a seat at rock bottom, lol. I downloaded 162 songs on my MP3 - a perfect combo with this remembering the past stuff since I fell asleep with 62 michael jackson songs in my ear last nite, Mobetta and I took our usual tumble right on schedule - we'll sulk a couple of weeks and see what's up, and I've determined my house is haunted (I'll save that for a blog entry).

Tonite, will be my last 'back in the day' entry. I hope you all have enjoyed it, I feel like you can't know where you're going if you don't know where you came from and this chapter (cause there's alot more) made my blog feel real...to me...

So we are looking at Hey what have I been doing the last 11 years, since my life is definately split in two based on the murder of my late husband. I was with him for 10 years total - so basically what have I done with the second half of my adulthood?

Well, I learned how to drive at 29, lol lol. Bought me a cute little Jetta after Sears said I was qualifed to go on the road and my first trip - was driving down here from Philadelphia.

I sat back and got my head together for about 14 months after he passed and then I was like time to see what else is out there. I answered a newpaper personal ad from a brother who was from down south. We were together for almost a year - me easing back into the world of men and women. Thus began a bad habit - dating thru electronic mediums. I want a whole bunch of choices and not have music, big asses, and what not blocking the view to me. I don't have to 'hold the pocketbooks' when I'm online, lol lol.

In these 11 years I've lost weight, gained weight, lost weight and done it again, lol lol. I'm back a bit plump right now, but I'm not going to sweat it. I'm cool peeps, I ain't sloppy and nasty, my skin is firm and I have a figure - It's a work in progress and if the opposite sex so got their stuff together - that my work is a burden for them - then I'm sureeeee there are other choices. Not accepting the 'visual' that I'm not acceptable.

Been down here with basically no lifelines for about 8 years now. Have lived in two places, worked three jobs, had about 8 'relationships' and some other things thrown in the mix. I can NEVER find a reliable babysitter and my money been short since day one.

However, I have towed this line quite well. I'm happy - mini-me is happy. We have carved us out a little space in this world. I have alot of things that procrastination and outright fear keep me from just jumping out there and doing - I gotta have my t's crossed and my i's dotted - but I'm feeling more and more able to just toss some shit out there and see if it sticks.

The set of friends when I got down here are now associates and the even smaller set I have now - do it for me.

I think more importantly - I SEE BRIGHTNESS ahead and not DARKNESS!!

Ya'll have a good weekend - I'll be back at cha on Sunday Evening!!

Oh and let me leave you with Mini-Me's first hair appt. A once a month gift for a year from her Grandmother. I'm going to have to beat her down, lol


Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:00 PM :: 2 comments

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Thursday, November 17, 2005

Sunset Monologue 111

I's Married Now



Blog Musical Mood: Everybody - The Jacksons

Phase One of MP3'ing is complete. I've gotten all my Jacksons stuff on this bad boy - in sub folders no doubt because some stuff I need to isolate, lol. man I got like 450 more songs to go,lol The coffee table is full of music. Well after that interruption yesterday, I wanted to get back on track with this memory lane stuff. I think, however that I am running out of speed - as wonderful as remembering the past is, I try to live in the here and now so Friday will be my last day of taking ya'll back. You will have enough information to flush me out, make me plump and I WILL be a real living breathing feeling person to yah!

This is the man I married and the father of my only child, I am going to respect the santity of that union and not get too deep into the meat of our relationship - but it was a pivital time of my life and a dividing line between the young adult I was when I met him and the grown woman I had to be on the other side..


How I met him was crazy like everything else. I had graduated and moved up North to Philly. My mom had gave up our apt. and moved in with a friend who rented rooms, so she could write and save money (all of us were up North by this time). I came home for Christmas break to hang out with my High School friends. She told me she had someone she wanted me to meet. She said that he was interested in Islam and that She said he could have me she thought I'd like to meet him and had told him all about me. I had a 'friend' in Philly, and was looking forward to getting to know him better. Ok - - sigh - - I was standing in the living room in my PJ's having a SLEEPOVER, there were about 6 of us, eating fried chicken and just loud as hell. The door opened and I looked up and there stood EL DEBARGE DRESSED LIKE RUN DMC!! He had the deepest voice I had ever heard in my life. I introduced myself and my friends and then I realized I knew him! He was on TV all the time on the local dance show. He also was a member of the International Wrecking Crew - they broke dance around town. I started practicing my new last name right in that living room, lol.

How He Got It - ok fast forward a bit, he had left morehouse and was living in NY again. I was in Philly still doing my thing. We had been talking awhile and quite frankly he was taking too long. I did't know what the deal was, but I really just one day said "It's time to have sex and he's the one" I planned it all out. Put myself on birth control pills a month in advance and everything. Let him know I was coming up the way to hang out with him. The day came and I told the folks I had a term paper and would be gone all day, hopped on the train and went to NYC.

It was the most disappointing single moment of my young life, lol lol. It was so mechanical, so medicinal - NOTHING like I had been reading in my penthouse stories!! I was raring to get buck wild! Now it did last longer than I expected, lol I remember jumping out the bed to see if my hips had spread, lol lol. I wanted to do it again and again and he was like "he might hurt me" WTF?! It didn't hurt (which I came to find out later on in life, I was built for size but I digress, lol) I remmber later on that evening sitting on the train thinking - ok, this has got to get better.


How He Married Me was well we eloped. I moved in with him when I was 19 1/2, we got married that following year. One day he was just like, let's do this. We had a fully furnished rent controlled apartment in Manhattan! A motorcycle and we both worked. At first we dabbled with the thought of a 'wedding' decided to marry in Brooklyn so at least it would be in another borough, lol. We both took 1/2 days off from work and went to the court house. We had exactly 8 pictures of our wedding, lol. I stood in the square crying as I told my mom on the phone we eloped - she said and I quote "the minute you moved in with him, you were married in my eyes" Alrightyyyy then! We went back to work. Our honeymoon came a month later when we took the bus from NY to FLORIDA!! That bus ticket was as thick as a phone book. Whew when you young!

(Insert MARRIAGE with all it's highs, lows and in betweens that two young, childless, negroes living in NY might just go thru)


How I Lost Him, I was making bean pies at the apartment in Philly. He stayed at our Jersey house during the week and came down on the weekend. The phone rung and it was his father and he just said "Pam, Husband is dead". I remember telling him to call next door to my mom (my family owns a whole block in Philly) and I picked up a sleeping six month old mini- me and walked barefoot to my mom's house. I remember entering and people screaming and then all running towards me...they had to carefully take mini-me from me because I was squeezing her so tight.

The imagery kept coming......a call saying he was stabbed 23 times, no suspects...home invasion......Muslims have to get their dead in the ground in 48 hours, so there was lots of activity - my mom was sewing the National for the casket, black was being hung on the windows, the cops were calling back and forth asking me questions etc. etc. We had two furnerals - there were that many people in attendance. My Husband was an up and coming record producer and knew alot of people. We rode up for the second private furneral. The Imam's call to prayer washed over me as if God himself was in the room.

NYPD and NJ police were all over the case - his father was Serpico's partner (yea that one) at one time and they take care of their own. Two weeks it took to catch them, and it turned out to be so simple - they paged the pager they had stolen and they called the cops back. All over the papers - Head State Prosecutor taking the case. I KNEW THEM NIGGAS! Had pictures of them sitting on my couch. They were 'clients'...the story came out.

They owed money, he wouldn't release music, they quarrel, they beat him up knocked him out, he awoke to having had a garbage bag tied around his head to suffocate him, he got it off, they beat him some more, stabbed him 23 times, went upstairs to clean up, came back and he was gone. Had crawled down the hall out the back door, jumped the fence to get to the neighbors, they caught up and slit his throat..he died on the glass atrium that was my neighbors kitchen, they woke up to coffe and.....him. He tried......

Two trials...one year...court every day almost...pack up the house...they came in and cleaned all the blood, sell,move, stay sane....his best friend attacks murderer in the elevator thru 'special permission', murderer stands up and tells me to go to hell on the stand pandemonium in the court room...stressful...gotta take care of the baby...STOP THE INSANITY I'm only 28 years old!

60 years no chance of parole - every couple of years I write a letter to make sure nothing fishy goes on and they even attempt to get the fuck out.

"Ms...this is court TV, we saw your file in court and will be featuring it on I Dectective" Mini-me now 9 - you what? Surreal watching my life on television...didn't want people to know I was suspect...who is that playing me? She got my hair stylea the time. Um okay he was light but why not a black actor, phone ringing off the hook...you okay...Yes I am okay - He sees I'm doing a damn good job - look at that smile on Mini-me's face...she got his eyes and hair and she got his love for music - he lives on.....



May the peace and blessings of Allah forever be upon him
Rest In Peace

Posted by Pamalicious :: 11:00 PM :: 4 comments

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Sunset Monologue 110

We Interrupt the Past....



Blog Musical Mood: "We Fall Down" - Donnie Mcclurkin

If I put my straw right in the bottle of absolut - will 'mini-me' get concerned? Slurp! Slurp! Ok, let me put this absolut down. It's been one emotionally draining day for a sista! I was on a roll with the trip down memory lane where I was all warm and fuzzy - but today ripped me a new one - so I have to first sew that wound up. I do however, want to mention something about monologue 109 and my inability to remember what happen prom nite, lol. The second prom, where I got put out the car for not giving it up - should tell folks - whatever happen - it didn't involve 'spank me daddy' LOL LOL. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19 years old - so sorry to disappoint, I went back into my journal and actually we came on home because the next day we were suppose to do Six Flags, but it rained...so we didn't do anything. Slurp! Slurp! Let me tell this story real quick, cause I really want to retire early.

Let me start off with a little PSA for the masses:


The Pam's Inn of Dysfuntion and Co-Dependence is FULL!
NO VACANCIES!



I flicked through my CD's looking for the appropriate music. I fingered Public Enemy but that was my soundtrack for getting ready for another day of 'the man and his cronies', I needed something to get me crunk. I playd "Whoop That Trick" at volume 15 all the way down Memorial Drive. The building took up almost a block and loomed over at me like a crazy woman - looked all nice on the outside but you talking bout INSANE.

My heart was beating so fast. I had never been............in a jail before! I was going to see 'HER' and lay eyes for myself and my family. It's been 9 or so days. I was immediately assaulted by all the signs and the attitudes and the smell....it wasn't a bad smell just an institutional smell. After damn near stripping naked to get thru the metal detector. I asked for directions to visitation and followed a woman and baby up to that floor. I looked around and a horrifying thought came to my mind - IS THIS THE BLACK FAMILY?! "come on and let's see your dad" "Sorry baby but Daddy can't have visitors today" WTF?!

My eyes were so big, I might as well pasted a sign on me that said - "I've never been here", lol lol. I filled out the paperwork and was told to follow a sista with a beautiful, oh about 2 month old. We got in a little elevator and after getting to the 3rd floor, we hit a buzzer and stated (now for the 10th damn time) who I was there to see and was buzzed in. Lo and Behold I was in HBO's OZ!! I thought it would be a room where we could sit and talk. But oh hell now - plexiglass and broke phones! I straddled the chair (no sitting lady like) and waited. I started to feel faint - I looked down and saw the POD of guards and women mopping, sweeping etc. It was all getting to be to much to me. I hated waiting like this. To my left the sista with the baby (who was very nice) had taken the baby cause he was born in there. I turn to my right and right before my eyes two women were tonque kissing thru the glass - AWWW HELLL DOROTHY YOU AREN'T ON THE LOGO CHANNEL ANYMORE!!! I want my MOMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAA!

Then 'She' appears. Looking like Cleo (can you tell I only do this in movies ya'll). Some gal had braided her hair, she was all bruised and it was just too much. I started heaving! The lady next to me asked was I alright. I said yes, it was just overwelming to me. 'She' and I talked and she expressed her self and I expressed the sentiment of all the people she had hurt. She hadn't eaten (because it took 30 days for them to consider her Muslim diet requirements) and so I promised to put some money on her books.

I told her regardless we loved her, got up - buzzed myself out and started wailing! I am not really a strong person and these type of situations, are always too too much for me. If it's something directly related to me, then I got this - but that shit was too much. I'm wayyyyyyy too self imposed sheltered for that.

So I put on my 'lift my soul' CD in the car and drive on to work. I get in and see my girls and there I go wailing again - I need to stop this crying. I got myself together and finished out my day. Put money on her books afterwork and will be getting her out on Friday. I know she's not going to come out some changed person, she hasn't hit bottom, that's a journey you have to navigate. I probably will cry more tears for her - but it felt good to know that I can cry........for a sibling.



and to add insult to injury:


I DIDN'T SEE NOT ONE FINE GUARD!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:45 PM :: 3 comments

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Sunset Monologue 109

Precursor to the rest of my life



Blog Musical Mood: Boogie Fever - The Sylvers

I am sitting over here with my mouth hanging open. Got my new MP3 Player! It holds 500 songs! I am going to leave my number with a few people, because now I am going to be OBSESSED with filling this thing up, lol.

I know why this week is going to be hard - it could go on forever, lol. I got more stories than Moses! I PROMISE I will try to make them not so long.

I was sitting outside one day on my porch just chillin and reading - when I saw this boy ride past on his bike. Everyday occurance, but he had on a cast to his thigh. I went out to the street and flagged him down because I was intrigued with that and thus began another great teenage love jones chapter. The sparks flew and he immediately became my boyfriend like that day, lol lol. It wasn't until like a month later that I found out he was like 13 1/2!! LOL LOL Hell he was taller than me and played varsity football, lol. We spent alot of time hugged up walking around in the Apartment complex. You remeber those strolls - hands in each others back pockets, walking like Laverne and Shirley, lol. I babysat for a woman who was hardly ever there, so that afforded me plenty of time to see my beau. I would arrive, she would leave, he would arrive, we would get rid of kid and get to grinding, lol. All we did was make out. We made out on every piece of furniture in that woman's house, lol. He flunked, got kicked off the team and his family moved and that was that.

D.R. lived upstairs from me. He was best friends with G.W. Now G.W. was fine as frog hair and knew it not to mention he was the GAME ROOM KING! He used to walk around in his short short jogging pants with the thick white seam and three stripe gym socks and just be the shit! He had the high score on Centipede, Dig Dug, and Pacman! Now D.R. genuinely liked me, but I was soo stuck on G.W. however, I did like D.R. So whenever I felt like there was no hope of G.W. ever noticing me, D.R. and I were a couple. Me and that boy would get into some of the weirdest trouble.

One night I was suppose to be doing the dishes - he came to the backdoor and I came on out and we started necking, I mean going at it, lol. Next thing I know the back door flew open and......SPLASH a dishpan full of dishwater hit us full on, served by my Momma!! My little Brotha had told her I was out back 'doing the nasty' LOL LOL LOL We just stood there soaking wet, before he ran upstairs and I ran in the house. That didn't stop us though.

We were necking on the couch in my apartment and ended up leaning back on the couch. He had on some shorts and I did too. He got up to reposition himself and all I saw was the BIGGEST TENT IN HIS SHORTS I had ever seen in my life. I don't know, he didn't have no drawers on or something. I screamed "what is that?!" Pushed him and he landed square in the middle of my momma glass table (you know the one with being held up by the elephant base). Lawd that table cracked seamlessly in two. We both looking at each other like awww shit, what we gonna do - so I suggest that we throw the table away and I'll move the two end tables to the front - like my momma wasn't going to see that!! Two weeks punishment - and I didn't tell her what really happen either......

Soo FINALLY in the 11th grade after I paid my brother $5.00 to go in the gameroom and ask him G.W. was taking me to the prom! We went to my prom and his prom. My mom rented a 1983 Burgandy Regal for my prom and we ate at Steak and Ale off one plate cause he didn't have alot of money. I don't even remember what we did after the prom...now his prom was nice. We actually double dated with D.R. who spent alot of time telling me how beautiful I was. After the prom we went to the drive in on Moreland Ave (lawd which is still open today) to see Evil Dead, lol lol. Of course it had to get interesting. We sitting parked at the beginning of the complex - - making out. I liked this boy so much and though he showed interest, we didn't have the same sparks that me and D.R. had. We making out and off comes my shoes, off comes my pantyhose and as his HOT HOT hand crept up my long long dress. SCREECH!!! Pon De Replay! Can't do it! and I remember I said "Hey what you doing, I'm not THAT TYPE OF GIRL".....

As I walked the long pavement getting to my apartment, I stopped behind the bushes and put my stockings and what not back on. I remember working on the lie about how my mom took to long to get to the door he pulled off to make his curfew....the next day D.R. and I sat on his steps and I told him what happened and I'll never forget he said "I would have made the prom special for you".

Two weeks into Sr. Year G.W. became a up and coming baby daddy (that sperm had my name on it - glad I didn't set it free!). D.R. and I remained close and he took me to the Debutante Ball as my escort. He was quite handsome, a perfect gentleman and I had a wonderful time. I ran into him later on in life and he was another one, I should have gave some, but I was married by then. :)

The summer before my Sr. Year my new victim interest was my older Brothers best friend. He drove all the way down from Philly to take me to my Sr. Prom and since he was one year out of school, this was H-O-T!! I was just my little Bros sista to him and I cried because there were no sparks at my Sr. Prom.

Whew! Next up.....The man who got the motherlode!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:00 PM :: 5 comments

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Monday, November 14, 2005

Sunset Monologue 108

The Intrigue of....FIRSTS



Blog Musical Mood: Love Machine - The Miracles

Mondays can be so tedious, sometimes I wish weekends were like Monday and Tuesday because the break just links together two awful week days, lol. Today someone said blogs are gonna take them away from reading books, lol. I said too late for me. I've updated my sidebar <------------- with all the blogs I am currently reading, if you write it, I'm reading. I got tired with all the HTML, so if your name was left off and you know I'm all up in your living room - sorry :)

I gave this whole trip down memory lane some thought and this might be fun Probably wayyy more revealing than I might want to be, but a great exercise in childhood perception of things cause I'm sure by now I'm totally in fantasy land about alot of things, lol lol. This should be fun. I mapped out a couple of ideas and I'll be going to Oz and to the Wicked Witches House cause life ain't all good all the time.

I made me some RED Jello w/Fruit cocktail to get in the mood - and HERE WE GO!!

I thought I'd start out with some firsts we all go thru....in no particular order.

My First Kiss was in the 8th grade with TH. He was my first 'boyfriend'. I actually got him as a consolation prize when my older brother took his girlfriend from him. (In my life I've been a consolation prize more than once). I remember he said I kissed horribly, lol lol. I was sooo upset about that, that I vowed to master kissing and over the years I have. Now that didn't stop him from shoving his tongue down my throat every chance he got, lol but I got the message. Seeing as that was about all you were going to get from me in High School, I had to learn that skill quick.

My Parents sometimes had little get togethers, my First Drink was....PINK CHAMPALE. We used to get up the next day and finish off all the little plastic cups that didn't have cigarette butts in them. Talk about some good stuff. Then I moved on to the HUGE bottle of Manachevitz on the bottom shelf of the fridge. That stuff tasted like Koolaid. I had to be around 11 or so then. My next introdution to alcohol was when I used to visit my Father in Philly over the summer. There was a woman who lived in the alley and she sold 40's and wine coolers. She didn't care. We would all pitch in and get us a couple and go to my brothers girlfriends house cause her momma worked at night and get to drinking, lol lol. One time we were trying to sneak in the house, I was tore up and we got all the way to the steps when in the dark sat my father. I just fell out and fell down the steps and they were trying to drag me up by my clothes. It was a hot mess. I did a good amount of drinking from 15-19, lol lol during the summer of course.

I guess I'm a bit analytical about some things (you think, lol) and I'm always thinking about how I will be affected by stuff - so I never really was interested in cigarettes or drugs for that matter, however, I have indulged in both. I smoked my first cigarette when I was a teenager in the bathroom of our house, lol. I remember my momma came home and I put it out in a can of TAB, ROTFL. I was standing on the toilet so I could blow the smoke out the bathroom window....I was in college when I smoked my first Weed. We were riding around in Philly acting a plum fool. A car full of girls and someone had some and as we cruised down South Street we were going at it. I actually wasn't impressed and it set my coochie on FIRE!! I was almost hunching the back seat I got so horny, lol lol I remember alot of crazy stuff happening from someone peeing out a moving car window to someone falling of the curb. I didn't like that feeling. I've only tried weed three times - the other two times were in a controlled atmosphere with a guy and I could immediately work on that FIRE my coochie was on.

I have never been a fighter. Don't know how but the day my mom made me participate in my First fight, I'll never forget. I'll say this heifers name PENNY lived down the street and we had a love/hate relationship. She would always hit on me and I would just let her, I had to be around 8. Well one day my mom saw this and she told me to come in the house and basically said I had two choices, either beat up that girl or get beat by her. Well I went on outside and Penny had went home. My mom escorted me to her house and her momma and my momma set up a fight and we had to fight in the yard! I beat the brakes off that girl, cause whatever she was gonna do to me had to have been better than my momma, lol. I wonder whatever happen to her and I'm sure she got a different take on what went down.

I grew up quite sheltered (being in the Nation of Islam) and so I didn't even really associate with a boy who was not my relation until I was in teh 4th grade when my father took us out of the University of Islam after the Honorable Elijah Muhammad passed. I went to JC Harris elementary school and that First day of elementary school - I sat in between MC and JC. Whew Lawd! I almost passed out. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life as I sat there with my big ass Kroger bag with my lunch in it and a rinky dink outfit because I used to wear a uniform. MC became my first crush. I loved the ground that boy walked on! He had the most brillant smile. He and I would play school yard games and even when I got my Zayre's coke bottle glasses that were 2/$19.99 - he still hung with me. Luckily we both were highly intelligent and so we got pulled out of class to go to the trailors for Gifted Class most of the time - - ahhhh - - We lost touch after elementary school, but I saw him again when I was a Debutante - he looked like a PRINCE from a movie or something. You never forget your first crush :)


I've been sexual for a long time, I can remember being around seven or so and discovering that if I rubbed up against my stuffed animal that sholll felt good - so then that became my favorite hobby, lol Until my momma walked in on me!!! I wrote my first provocative story when I was 10 about MC. We were doing it on the scream machine at six flags, lol My momma found that too in my diary and I had a ceremonial burning of said diary in a trashcan in the back yard. All thru High School I was basically a stick of dynamite, lol lol, but I made a pact in the 8th grade with my friends that we would graduate High School virgins and except for one girl we did. I kept some form of a boyfriend however,lol. Funny how patterns start young - I was always pining after someone and struggling with how to 'be' with that person. Back then boys were not so demanding, so if you played it right and knew how to grind, you were cool, (by this time my kissing had IMPROVED, lol). 14 is when I started doign a little bit of exploring but by the time I was in the 10th grade, I was a trembling orgasmic mess, lol lol. Now I neva neva neva neva let no boy touch me beneath my clothes cause that analytical mind of mines had already read that semen could travel! Get the hell away from me! He could kiss me, cop a quick feel and we could grind till the cops came running, lol. (to this day mobetta finds it utterly incredulous that I got all the way thru high school and never had a boy touch my breast and I never gave one hand job, lol)

Fond fond memories were during probably the highlight of my existence on this planet so far - the ages 15-17. I was so crazy over boys I was in a daze,lol. The summer I turned 15, I went to visit my father in Philadelphia and had my first romance. It was straight out of an ABC afterschool special. My father didn't have his foot planted as firmly in my neck as my mother - so I had a lonnng leash with him. Me and WC had the best summer. Movies, eating out, take the casino bus to Atlantic City, the plateau, curling up watching TV. I remember he gave me his dog tag - Lawd chile, I was in loveeeeeeeeeee. WC was on the phone freaking out because I was popular and I had alot of activity and knew alot of people and he was 800+ miles away. He got kinda controlling and I would have to be by the phone at a certain time to take his calls - well that all ended when the phone bill came in. My momma had a cow!! Ultimately my father had a little talk with him. At the time I was sooo upset I cried FOREVER!! So like alot of first romances it was also my first heartbreak. Yea we cool - I saw him a couple of years ago down 9th street when I was visiting and we hung out for a minute - I guess the only regret was I should have went on and gave him some, lol lol. He holds a distinction in my life: he was the first boys penis I ever saw, lol lol. One night we were on the porch and I was like can I see it and he opened up his shorts and I took a look, I wasn't impressed, lol. (and I didn't touch it). I do remember that. (but time changes that kinda stuff, lol.

Next Time: More tales of the best dating period of my life....and MY FIRST TIME!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:35 PM :: 5 comments

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Sunday, November 13, 2005

Sunset Monologue 107

Is She Breathing?!



Musical Blog Mood: I feel Good - James Brown

As I was sitting here slapping myself to make sure I was still conscious after the boredom of the day, I thought - why don't I cut on a little classic soul on the old Yahoo Music and crank out another blog entry, lol. The monday morning crowd will certainly appreciate that, lol. Especially after I started a blog entry in my own damn comment section, lol.

I'm not one who gets 'things' from men. I don't know how that came about, but I wonder exactly who are the sistas who get their car note paid, or their rent etc. and exactly what it is they are doing..Shit when I had a man living with me, he barely gave me anything. In the 11 1/2 years I've been 'widowed' I can honestly say (and I'll go back in some journals to make sure) I've hadn't the fortune to have a man pay any bill for me. I've gotten some birthday gifts etc. But the things like trips, jewelry etc. etc. I just haven't gotten. From my minds eye, I spend alot of money in relationships, from having drink, food and other things available to babysitting, to gas, to gifts etc. that's just how I am. I guess if I were to be honest - I haven't been in a legitimate EQUAL relationship since my marriage - - but since I'm doing back in the day next week - I'll put THAT epiphany I just had while sitting here on the back burner for after Thanksgiving....

Anyhoo, I started off on that tangent to get to this - I go to my mailbox on Saturday and there's an envelope from "Africa" I'm like hmmm, is this a card? I come on in and after stomping and spitting on the pile of bills to ward off the evil spirits, I open the envelope and just like in a movie a check floats to the floor. I pick it up and it's from him and in the memo line it says "Psych Therapy" and the small note says "You have no idea how prolific a woman you are - thank you and here's a little something to get you an IPOD because you are a music fiend" Now I'm standing there letting various germs float into my mouth because it's WIDE OPEN. What a nice nice gesture, I am quite thankful. I will not overanalyze it (though I started above) - I will just....ACCEPT and start working on my list. Create a very nice thank you card and make sure I enclose a picture of whatever I ultimately end up getting. I won't spend this money on anything but what it was designated for.

Take One Step Forward and Two Steps Back is the way it seems sometimes with me. I've been seriously considering moving out of my little doll house back into an apartment. Why? Because more and more the wall I have to climb over financially is looking like the kryptonite that is gonna take me out. I can't get over the damn wall and I'm so panicked about it that I can't even see a way out. I'm tired of looking at this house and this yard and I want a new surrounding, but purchasing one is farther away than the land of Oz and it would take a Oz to make it happen, so I was considering moving back to (1) get me an extra bathroom I so desperately need (2) have someone else take care of stuff and (3) save about $200. Mini-me's expenses are growing by the day and though I'm handling it, I would like to have some breathing room. I'm a Gemini and I'm feeling trapped and I need a major activity. So right before my 40th when my lease is up, I think me and Mini-me might be getting us some new digs. I got the "Big Apartment Book for Atlanta" since despite it seeming like everyone and their momma owns a home, this is the land of the transient, lol. I want a gated community with a nice pool, lol I don't even mind going to the laundry room honey - well I might rethink that portion, lol I am spoiled, lol.

Thinking Aloud - Is you is or is you ain't my man? It sounds like it, it's time consuming like it, it feels like it - but I know it ain't. Ain't that a bitch?

That's a perfect ending to the longest day on record for a sista. SLAP! SLAP! SHOCK HER WITH THE PADDLES! THIS BROAD IS ALIVE AND KICKING!!

Posted by Pamalicious :: 9:55 PM :: 3 comments

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Sunshine Monologue 60

I'm Gonna Phuck You Up!



Blog Musical Mood: Laffy Taffy - D4L

WHY THE HELL MUST YOU DO THAT AT 7:30 ON A SUNDAY MORNING!! As I stook outside on my porch yelling at the keeblers across the street, I wondered, was this going to be indictive of my day. The wind was freezing my ass but to be suddenly awaken by some mofo who has decided to chop firewood that early in the morning made me not really conscious of that. So now they standing looking crazy cause I got their attention. There was some mumbled convo that they best be glad I didn't hear, because I really felt like taking that chain saw and practicing the carving of my Thanksgiving turkey on their ass! Damn! It was too late - I was up, tried to go back to dreaming the sexy dream I was having NO! tried to just go back to sleep NO! So I just turned on the TV. Even now at after 11, I feel like my morning was cut short. I don't sleep during the day (I'm not a nap person) so I will just keep on keeping on.

I Broke Her Off, which basically begins the further decline of my morning. I really don't understand the brain capacity of a dick. I really would like a Discovery Channel special on the mental capacity and body controlling power of the male dick. Because obviously it is true - it has a mind of it's own and it renders otherwise sane men insane.
I REBUKE THEE!! I'm real tired of the story - I got a lady, I love her, I know another lady who is begging me to be with her, I don't even like this lady, she's got 'issues' she showed up unannounced, she paged my dick and he was like let's go, I said wait let me put my real brain in the freezer so it won't go bad while we're gone - I'd like to be able to recall my lady's name when we get back, she looked so pitiful standing there in her drawers, she would have put an ad in the NY Times if I had refused her..so I broke her off. My 'gift' she said she bought me I'll pick up when we have lunch tomorrow - PAGING TERRY MCMILLIAN!! PAGING JONATHAN PLUMMER!! PAGING SOMEBODY!! (Glad It Wasn't Anyone I know personally.


My Mouth is Watering! I am soooo ready to get it crunk for Thanksgiving!! It's right around the corner and I'm planning my menu etc. Of course this will make a wonderful series of blog entries, lol lol. Our first Thanksgiving together...How Special, lol lol lol Be on the lookout for that!

Friday made 8 years I've re-lived here in Atlanta. My how time flies. I remember packing the Jetta up and me and mini-me hitting the road. I had to get out of Philly and coming back to where I was raised was the perfect answer. My Northern light still shines - it always will because the vibe of the North is the best vibe I've ever encountered, but I loves my South. It was as if I was suppose to celebrate this little anniversary, because I had a moment where the last friend I had in Philly and the first friend I had here - both collided and we all went out to lunch yesterday.

When you have alot of siblings, as you go thru the ranks you meet ALOT of people. You all have your own friends etc. etc. who all comnigle and come in and out of your lives. If you all hit dating age, then you encounter the proverbial girl/boy friends and the even more proverbial...Ex's. These two sistas represent Ex's who stayed Current in my life. So what my Bro's are no longer with them, I liked them so I kept em around, lol lol. Well "Lioness" and "Mama" have been varying forms of friends of mine for years. I met "Mama" in the wha....8th grade. and "Lioness" in college.

We had a great day! I really was happy to see them both and we had a good lunch (which means I found yet another banging drink served at Smokey Bones - layer after layer of daquiri and margarita piled high in a beer mug) The food was okay. Folks have told me it was off the chain - it wasn't all that to me, but the company and the drink more than made up for that, lol. We were out in Alpharetta and I honestly hadn't been out there since I went with 'mobetta' so that's been awhile. Still crowded, still vanilla, still Alpharetta, lol.

Since I have been reeling in this self imposed peace lately - this just added to my happiness quotient. I sometimes complain about not getting out enough, but I do enjoy the fact that when I do...it's quality. Waving at my two friend!

I was thinking, writing in present day is a harder skill than writing in past tense. With past tense you can add all the right nuances, laugh track etc. etc. while writing about now and projecting the future requires thought. I rarely remember on the blog but that's about to change! Starting Tomorrow - you will be getting - ThE MeMoRy bAnKs oF PaMmIe! I will dig back and for one week, tell some of my best memories about random subjects ranging from dates to childhood. This should be fun and quite free flowing. So tune in over the next seven days! Besides this will be a great lead-in to the Holiday Season.

Ok, is it just me? Am I the only Hetrosexual watching LOGO? Dang! It is so intriguing. I like this series called Momentum. It's documentary style and you always learn something. The latest was Butch Mystique - about African American Women who live the butch lifestyle. WHOA!!

A new project alert! I am purchasing a Mp3 player which means I have to come up with around 120 songs - hmmmmm - I am going to love this. Of course I will share my final list.

Audio Blogs from audioblogger.com - enough said, be on the lookout for this one. Sample how cool it is from Babee Monkee and Clams Ya'll know ya'll wanna hear me in your living room, lol

And Finally.....as the holiday season approaches, Mini-Me is getting ready for the Mall circuit...


Jingle

Posted by Pamalicious :: 11:07 AM :: 3 comments

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Saturday, November 12, 2005

Sunshine Monologue 59

Saturday Quickie



Blog Musical Mood: Oh I Think They Like Me - Dem Franchize Boyz

I love these meme's - learn alot about the people behind the blog. Here's a condensed version of one I saw over on "Going Crazy In Chicago's" page.


9 Currents:

Current Feelings: Peaceful
Current hairstyle: Short and Sassy
Current Windows Open: None
Current Drink: OJ Lite
Current Time: 10:17 am est
Current Mobile(s) Used : Metro PCS (Piece Ca Shit)
Current Show on TV: The Parkers BET
Current Thought: This should be a good lunch
Current Clothes: Relay for Life T-Shirt

8 Firsts:
First Nickname: Pammie
First Kiss: Tony Hood (I think)
First Crush: Malcolm Carter 4th grade - I think I still got a crush on him, lol
First Computer: I can't remember - it was an IBM
First Job: Helper at Daycare on Cascade Rd.
First Movie I watched: Oh Please I don't know I know I went to see halloween
First Pet: Bosco the dog
First Shave: Hmmm, I can't remember that either somewhere around 16

7 Lasts:
Last Chai: Whew don't know but I hope it was good
Last Movie: Traveling Pants - the book was probably better
Last Time I Drove: Last Nite to Atlanta's Best Wings
Last Time Shaved: My legs, day fo yesterday and I'll go with her answer here modified I ain't getting non so no one will see it anyway.
Last Web Site Visited: Kinja.com
Last Software Installed: MP3 player software
Last Pill I Had: Diabetes Pill


6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Yes,
Have You Ever Been Drunk: Yes, and the worst two times are on tape
Have You Ever Climbed a Tree: Yea
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: No
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire or Bomb Blast?:Yes, South Philly ain't no JOKE.
Have You Ever Broken Anyones Heart: I have.

5 Things:
Things You Can Hear Right Now: My keyboard, the heat, the TV

Things on Your Computer Table: T2, Digital Camera, Office Supplies, Mini-me perfect attendance and student of the month certificates waiting to be framed, my budget waiting to be burned, my webcam, the house phone since it's on vonage my cord isn't long enough to move it from the computer, about 95 CD's dexatrim natural that I'm not taking.

Things in Mind: I need to get up and get dressed, to bad I didn't have phone sex this AM, gotta pace that stuff, I need to call my friend. Mini-me better come eat something

Things you want to say to him/her: I've said all I need to say to him

4 Places You Have Been Today:
The four rooms of my little ass house, lol

3 People You Can Tell Anything To: Mobetta anything, Janet next to anything sorry but that's it.

2 Choices:
Black or White: Always bet on BLACK]
Hot or Cold: Hot!I'll always choose HOT.

1 Thing You Want To Do Before You Die:
See the whole world

Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:14 AM :: 3 comments

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Friday, November 11, 2005

Sunset Monologue 106

Bereft of words!



I DON'T HAVE JACK TO TALK ABOUT THIS EVENING! I CAN'T SEEM TO FORUMULATE THE WORDS TO TRANSCRIBE THE THINGS I THOUGHT I DID WANT TO TALK ABOUT I THINK THIS IS A TIME I NEED TO SPEAK TO MYSELF IN MY HARDCOPY DIARY. I'M DOING FINE/MINI ME IS DOING FINE....I'LL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW....PEACE AND HAIRGREASE YA'LL!!


Posted by Pamalicious :: 8:35 PM :: 0 comments

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Thursday, November 10, 2005

Sunset Monologue 104

A Tunnel



Blog Musical Mood: Five Miles To Empty - Brownstone



and she's still there and her boyfriend just cussed me out for not giving him any money to contribute to getting her out. "You a cold bitch" **SIGH**

I know I disconnect myself from 'family' things. That is my choice because I grew up in it and I haven't reconciled it.

This is the lowest she's been and she'll get out and be right back in the life where actually the drugs are the least of it. It's the lying, stealing and hurting other people. NO ONE trusts her. She has burned every bridge young and old and now.

Drug addiction is one thing - but all the rest that my sister does is another. I could really sit here and go on and on about the 'things' she's done to me but it is just things and time after time - There will be some down time and she'll come on back in the fold - now even her nieces and nephews don't want her around.

I'm not going to give my daughter mixed signals just so I can say "she's my sister and I Love Her" and then sleep at night. I sleep fine at night and she is my sister and I love her. My daughter told her and me that until she gets her life together, she didn't want her around. She gave her a paper and talked to her about getting a job - she was 11 my sister is 33.

Folks may sit back and say "pam is a cold bitch" The story is more than I could ever write here and maybe one day I will be able to separate the 'issue' from the 'people' but right now....I can't adn I"m not spending any money to get it worked out (i.e. therapy).

I have been stepped on and taken advantage of and used and ganked and a whole bunch of other stuff - if I did have such a hard shell, maybe I could shake it all off because I would have such a cemented foundation of self to stand on - but I don't - so that stuff is always fresh in my mind and I treat it with kid gloves.

I'm FINALLY at a place where I am at peace concerning my Mother & I. That is a HUGE step for me - took all of my adult life and it's also shaky.

Right now - I can't do nothing for my sister. I don't have the bandwidth or the nerve or the ghettoism or the non-fear capacity to deal with this......It just ain't that simple.....Let me move on to something else.

Bobby Brown, Jr. tagged me so let me free my mind for this:

Ten Years Ago (This Month)...

I was living in Philadelphia with a two year old daughter, starting to date again after my Husbands murder and thinking about what direction I wanted to take my life in.

Five Years Ago. (This Month)...

Began my journey with "mobetta" thru a random placed IM to someone who had a 'funky name'

One year ago

Ok this is going to sound weird, I can't remember, lol

Five Yummy Things

  • BBQ Chicken

  • A Nice Hot Pulsating Shower

  • Black Jelly Beans

  • Crisp chilled sheets in the summer

  • Ok Food in GENERAL lol



Two Songs I Know By Heart

  • It's Bitsy Spider

  • You Can't Win



Six Things I Would Do With A Lot Of Money

  • Get Out of Debt

  • Get My Degree

  • Get My Lipo

  • Get My Material Desires Fulfilled

  • Bring some people along to share it with me



Five Places I Want To Escape To

  • St. Kix

  • Paradise Island

  • Manhattan

  • Mall of America

  • Pine Mountain



Two Things I Would Never Wear

  • Thongs

  • Anything excessively revealing



Five Favorite TV Shows

  • Law and Order SVU

  • Ghost Whisperer

  • Noah's Arc

  • Nip Tuck

  • Everybody Hates Chris



Five Things I Enjoy Doing

  • Internetting

  • Reading

  • Blogging

  • Yakkin on the phone with friends

  • Listening to Music



Five Favorite Toys

  • My Computer

  • My DVR

  • My T2

  • My Wing Daddy

  • My Digital Camera



Five People To Tag

You know what? If you feel compelled - do the damn thing!


RIP - B.O.B. Died "How did he die?" "On top of me"

Posted by Pamalicious :: 10:25 PM :: 1 comments

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Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Sunset Monologue 104

A Sista Gotta Throw Up



Blog Musical Mood: Sex by Flex

I seriously thought about whether or not I even wanted to address Oprah today. I mean all the popular entertainment blogs are all over it, but after watching this - I was bleeding from the mouth biting my tongue, lol So freak it! I gotta say my piece in my way on my blog.

Ok quite frankly, I didn't come away with this overwrought feeling of sorrow for Terry. This is a crock of bullshit. This really ain't about 'sexuality' - this about a 'dream deferred'. Terry is MAD because when you buy dick, even platinum dick - sometimes right when the warranty runs out you find out it's not as glittery as you think (or in his case it's covered in rhinestones).

Him being Gay is not a horrible thing - him even marrying her was not a horrible thing - it became 'horrible' when he decided to explore within the relationship without giving her a chance to make a decision whether or not she was wit it or not.

But the fact that the 'fantasy' didn't play out - is what is eating up at Terry and believe you me - they gonna be friends because she is not going to be able to let it go - she's now evolved into a 'mother' figure. Terry is probably going to stalk his ass - cause she can't believe this happen to her. Even the damn Doctor was confused, lol.

Why did he sue her? Why do broke broads who come up by marry athletes sue? Because he had become accustomed to a lifestyle that he wanted to maintain - that is such a double standard.

The first nine minutes of the show spelled it all out for me. Terry need to sit down somewhere and as predicted Oprah bought the rights to her new book and they are in pre-production - SLAM DUNK!

And one last public announcement:

SISTAS KEEP ON WANTING YOUR MAN TO BE YOUR 'BEST' FRIEND, TO WANNA HANG WITH YOU, TO BE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND YOUR MAN, Gurl he painted my toes last nite, gurl he shoe shopped with me all day I'll book you a flight to Chicago right now, cause my best friend is JANET! My mate will be whomever that will be and we will be friends as men and women relate to one another.

WHEW, lol lol - just get tired of stupid shit, lol

(Edited at 8:20pm)

Well now that I've calmed down, lol Let me interject some post thoughts:

It's obvious she's not over him and the 'hurt' part has not even happen yet - she's still in denial. I'm not saying what she is feeling is not 'valid' or 'real' but the whirlwind of hate is contradicting itself. If this has all been HIM weasling his way into her life/bed/pocketbook etc. but this was a conscious decision by HER to basicaly purchase her a man, which unfortunately is what alot of sistas resort to in a quest to calm the waters of her soul that are uneasy. Terry just had money, us broke one's use other things, lol.

I just didn't feel 'love' and the 'dissapation of love' in her words since the beginning of this - I feel 'damn damn damn how could MY dick, decide that it don't want me no more, I purchased your ass and your indentured servitude is not up yet".

Terry is 50, has a reasonable amount of money, does not look like Halle Berry , and carries a Shanana attitude - the chances of her finding a Brother are slim to freaking none - she will probably go and try to build her another one.

Oprah was just probing to see if her situation was the same, lol She kept running the money convo to see what kinda money she might have to get up off of.

Now, no I ain't one to talk when the highlight of my day was TEXT SEXING with a man I haven't even seen in three years - it seems as if alot of women in todays world are stuck between a rock and a hard place; especially Black women; because basically we were bought out as well, when we put our man out for that dolla dolla bill called WELFARE - but guess what it wasn't FAIR, cause its' 2005 and a whole heap of us are sitting A-L-O-N-E. Holding on to Fantasies and pieces of a dream man in an attempt to reverse the rock we put in motion that has met us at the bottom of the hill and run us the fuck over. He don't even want all of us - I might as well cut my coochie out and lay it on the bed, lol "We" and I use that to encompass anyone who fits the bill - played ourselves, just like Terry and if you mad at him - it's cause you see you. Now why I ain't mad at him, I don't know, lol Let me see can I muster up some for the Brotha sitting there with his man clogs and Mac Sonny Boy Lip Glass on, lol lol lol

Sooooo - ever be moseying around doing your blog thing and comment on something and go "Hell that's a blog entry" LOL LOL Well I had that moment today - so Let me bring my words back to my site, lol lol

This is a thought about the whole aspect of "Change/Growth Specifically For A Mate"

We have been so conditioned to run screaming into the night at the sheer notion that (1) we might need some work(regardless to what we SAY) and (2) we might have to assume a ‘role’ that alot of times we miss the point. All of this independence has been basically for naught in my book. We are free to be you and me and what have we done with it - figured out how to fuck three people in one night? Figured out how to turn a cartwheel and fuck at the same time two different sexes, lol lol We all mosey around like letting a two year old loose in the world if you ask me, lol

So the concept of taking a woman or man for that matter with some basic foundation in place and you all working together to create the type of relationship you want is not so far fetched a notion.

We don’t ‘fall’ in love we DECIDE to based on the package a person presents to us - be it mental or physical. So why wouldn’t I be down for a man and I building each other up into something fabulous. I’ve tried to build myself up and it’s hard holding all the bricks, mortar etc. by my damn self.

The ISSUE is who is actually qualified for such a task? That’s what puts us back at square one. We want everything perfect and shrink wrapped when we ourselves have pulled up some cellophane out the trash and wrapped it around our used and abused asses and changed the used by date, lol

This was just a quick and lethal bit of heat from Pamalicious, lol

Posted by Pamalicious :: 5:35 PM :: 7 comments

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